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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need some advice please before I send an email..

22 replies

NC2009 · 23/09/2015 07:21

I have been seeing a guy since the spring. He lives too far for it to be easy to see him but it doesn't have to be a long distance relationship either (there's a town we meet in as a midpoint that is very very easy for both of us to get to and obviously the weekends make it easier to go to each other's places

I've been struggling with understanding how committed he actually is. He was single for some time before meeting me and his life was 'full'. He also suffers from severe anxiety so every time he moves something he feels guilty. I can't shake the feeling of 'last in first out'. On Monday we were meant to go for dinner and he cancelled at the last minute due to a migraine, but I had been suspecting it would happen for 24 hours as he didn't get in touch to confirm meeting times (normally we email or text every day so it is very noticeable when there's no contact). I do believe that he was ill and he offered Tues, Weds or Sat as alternatives. I said Weds and Sat as I wanted to see him twice. Cue no reply at all until I sent him a brief text late last night asking him to let me know before I left for work as I'd be going to this place straight from work.

I've woken up to an email stating that the pet he got with his ex, who lives with her and always has done (he sees the pet maybe once or twice a month), is having an operation today and he wants to take care of it post surgery so can no longer meet. That bit is just one of life's things but I'm pretty brassed off that given he must have known for some time yesterday that the pet was having the operation today (his email said as much) he couldn't drop me a text to say he couldn't do Weds any more until i asked. But he still wants to come over on Saturday and now I'm not sure.

I'm thinking to ask him to Skype and explain that I'm not quite as keen because in the past week I've 1. Waited in for a Skype call that didn't happen (he was at his ex's dealing with the pet), 2. Had Monday evening cancelled at 2pm on Monday, 3. Had weds evening (his own alternative) cancelled via email in the small hours of Weds morning.

I know his anxiety has a part to play in not dealing with these things very well and he is very ill at the moment, it's obvious. So I don't want to be a bitch. But I received some news this week at work that means that my work life (I already have a demanding, stressful and long hours job) is going to get even worse for at least six months while I jointly cover a senior role as well as my own. What I want from a relationship is something relaxing, not hanging around waiting to be stood up so late that the only plans I can make are with myself. I also live alone so it's quite isolating never to see anyone socially if this happens repeatedly.

What are your thoughts? I haven't replied yet. This is not the first time and we had a long chat two weeks ago, where he got very emotional.I believe that he cares about me very much but I do wonder if in his head he's already decided it's fated not to be as he said as much to the mutual friend who set us up ("perfect woman, wring location"). He constantly stated that he didn't want to let me down but all this seems to do is cause him additional stress. And cause me additional stress too, which I'm fed up with! It was definitely easier in the first few months and it was only when he got really ill that things changed, so part of me thinks I should just grit my teeth and ride it out? I've never had a boyfriend with such a serious anxiety or MH problem before.

OP posts:

magoria · 23/09/2015 07:30

I would walk away from this one.

Sitting waiting around for the phone to ring so to speak is wasting your life.

Oysterbabe · 23/09/2015 07:31

I think you're being a bit too kind to him. He sounds seriously flaky. He should want to see you and not be cancelling last minute.
I think you should give him a call for an honest chat about whether he wants to continue with the relationship as I'm not sure he does.

magoria · 23/09/2015 07:32

I would also keep the email short and sweet.

It is not working for you, you wish him all the best, goodbye.

Don't get drawn into why or discussion, you tried that a couple of weeks ago.

Original poster

NC2009 · 23/09/2015 07:34

Thanks :) to be honest I posted on here as I suspected you guys would say that and I needed a bit of a kick!

OP posts:

Original poster

NC2009 · 23/09/2015 07:38

I don't like the idea of just emailing him as it seems cruel, but I will reply asking for a chat and if he says he doesn't have time then go for the email. I'm so sick of the thought that I'll be single again, although I know it's not the end of the world. I was with my ex fiancé through most of my twenties and he turned out to be an abusive twat so I am very sensitive to the idea that I'm wasting time.

OP posts:

ToGoBoldly · 23/09/2015 07:41

You are very low down on his priority list. Don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option. You are something constantly on his back burner and he's happy to drop you with the most rudimentary of apologies

I would end it with a swift guillotine action, firmly and clearly. No doubt he would try to tug on your heartstrings and bleat on about how "stressful" it is dicking you about and treating you like crap.

He's had plenty of strikes, he clearly has no intention of moving anything in his life for basic dates with you, let alone anything more committed. If I were in your shoes I'd feel like one of those things that you could do but don't really need to, like painting your nails or bleaching the wheelie bin.

ToGoBoldly · 23/09/2015 07:41

He's been pretty cruel to you...

tunnockt3acake · 23/09/2015 07:42

He has put a pet above you

Not only a pet, but a pet he shares with an ex !

Long distance relationships can work

But in this case he is still entangled with his ex

I would cut your ties and walk away & find someone new

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2015 07:44

He has never shown you the due consideration you have shown him (and I think the last thing he needs is a relationship even though he thinks differently). I would wish him all the best now and say that this is no longer working for you. No further discussion is necessary.

QuiteLikely5 · 23/09/2015 07:44

He sounds like hard work. He shouldn't be making his problems yours and you do have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince.

I suspect he will come begging in a week or two.

Stay strong. You deserve better.

Joysmum · 23/09/2015 07:45

He's not capable of treating you in the way you should be in a good relationship, so you're right to end it.

Original poster

NC2009 · 23/09/2015 07:49

Thanks guys. I have sent a text saying that I'm not happy he waited so long to get in touch, that I had to ask him before he let me know and that Saturday isn't a good idea as I don't fancy keeping more space free only for him not to show up especially when we so recently had a serious discussion about it.

I feel sick. And I have a blood test in an hour, awesome. But for you all, especially responding so quickly at this time of the morning!

OP posts:

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 23/09/2015 07:55

Well done :) you deserve better than this. I hope you feel better soon. He sounds like hard work, and you sound very understanding (too understanding!)

I don't understand why he couldn't look after the pet and see you.

The fact that you're expecting to be let down tells you everything you need to know. You should be able to rely on a partner. He doesn't have to be a horrible person to leave him, he's just not right for you.

Onwards and upwards!

ToGoBoldly · 23/09/2015 07:57

He sounds like a drain who thrives on drama, attention and the power trip that comes from having a nice woman at your beck and call. Be prepared to possibly get a response from him that exemplifies this. Hopefully he will just agree and you can move on go someone more fun.

Good luck with the blood test . They can never find my veins...

Joysmum · 23/09/2015 08:03

I think you've hit it on the head OP. It's not that you don't want him to look after the pet (wouldn't surprise me if that's what he'll try to turn this into) but more that he know way before he lets you know that he's not up for meeting and that's not good enough.

Bakeoffcake · 23/09/2015 08:12

You've done the right thing. You sound a lovely person, please don't let him guilt trip you into continuing the relationship, he won't change and you'll end waiting around and being let down again and again.

NorksAreMessy · 23/09/2015 08:16

Onwards and upwards, OP!

TendonQueen · 23/09/2015 08:20

His anxiety and guilt don't seem to stop in changing arrangements with you. Move on. And good luck with the blood test.

pocketsaviour · 23/09/2015 08:55

If he's that ill that he keeps treating you badly, then he's not in the right place to have a relationship. He certainly doesn't seem to treat you or see you as a human being with feelings and needs, does he? Otherwise he wouldn't be cancelling last minute.

Onwards and upwards OP! I hope work isn't too shitty and stressful

Twinklestein · 23/09/2015 09:06

He's got way too many problems, and I don't believe his sick dog ate my homework excuse.

suzannecaravan · 23/09/2015 09:15

he's put you at the bottom of his list
you should cross him right off yours!

Original poster

NC2009 · 23/09/2015 18:38

Thanks so much everyone! The blood test was okay, although unpleasant and work was manageable although I had to have a cry in the ladies at one point, which is so unlike me

he's put you at the bottom of his list; you should cross him right off yours!

That summarises very neatly how I feel! I am convinced I've made the right choice. I have also spoken, at reasonable length, to the mutual friend who set us up (they asked me whether the pet was dead yet (!) as I think they view it as something that still ties this guy (I'll call him Mark) to obligations that do him no favours (his ex is constantly asking for his help with stuff; he is scared of saying no in case she threatens to kill herself, as has happened before)). Mutual Friend agrees that Mark is clearly very ill with anxiety and needs to sort it out somehow otherwise he's not capable of having a relationship. He also thinks Mark has made the wrong choice and said he'll speak to him and try and offer him support at the weekend.

Mark has texted saying he feels misunderstood and that he thinks we should talk it out and I should get in touch if I want to do that. I'm not going to. I am really upset though. I like him an awful lot and I do believe that this behaviour is part of his illness that has only really manifested since he became very ill but I don't see it abating and I can't cope with the uncertainty and constantly feeling second best.

OP posts:

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