Mother moving away. Again.

[Neverending3]

Gah. I feel rubbish even writing this and am beginning to wonder if I am being unreasonable and selfish.

I've three children. Ten, two, and one. Ten year old in foster care. Absent father but he's just come back onto the scene. Father of the youngest two left me in January after nine years together. Miscarriage in March (same father of the youngest two, I found out I was expecting again six days after he left.) Death in family in April. Really pants time at the moment.

Dilemma: mother has just informed me that she is moving away from England to Wales after seeing a man she met online one year ago. I should feel happy for her, right? But when my ten year old was three months old, my mother moved to a foreign country to be with a man she had only known for a short period of time. She married the man soon after leaving. She left me high and dry with a baby, on my own, living with my two younger brothers. I coped. I worked. She came back to the UK in 2010, with her second husband, but four hours away. Eventually moved back to our city last year when her marriage fell apart. She worked really hard to do that and bought a house with my brother. Now she is quitting her job to move away again with another man and I feel as though I am being abandoned again. And I told her just as much. Was that a selfish thing to do or is there some ounce of truth in what I am feeling??

Well, your mum is an adult and she's entitled to do what she wants with her life, even if this sounds like just the latest in a string of catastrophic relationship fuck-ups. It's very sad for you, especially at such a traumatic time, but ultimately it is her life to lead.

In terms of whether you were wrong to tell her how you were feeling, I think that depends a bit on how you did it. If you think you are entitled, as an adult, to have your mother live her life near you to help you raise your children - well, you're wrong. But if you wanted her to understand that given the terrible events of the year so far this was another blow to you and you would struggle to be happy for her - well, that sounds fine.

I'm sorry for your losses.

Yup, it was a "I've had a rather traumatic year so far and lost a lot already - losing you [what it feels like] is going to be too much for me to take, please understand this". I don't have any other family members around me like her, and to have her back for a year was amazing, but for her to leave again feels like total abandonment. I never said how I felt when she moved away the first time - I wanted her to be happy and to live her life, but I felt compelled to say just exactly how I felt this evening.

Yeah I think it's reasonable to tear your hair out be upset at your flakey mum who buggers of at crucial times in your life to chase after a man .

Darling, I'm sorry you've had such a raw deal with your mum. She isn't a keeper, is she? Sometimes it's worse to have someone around who is totally unreliable than no-one at all.

You have to accept this is how she is, as hard as it is. She is not reliable and will skit off after a man at the drop of a hat. That's the way it is

I'm sorry for your many losses - hard to bear You know there is one person you can rely on: you. You have to get on with it yourself, don't rely on her, she's more than proved she's not there for you. And, yes, I think it's perfectly acceptable to express that.

Thanks Springy. I do however feel as though I have painted this awful picture of a flake of a mother who puts herself before everyone else (and in some this regards this is true)... but she is a good 'un and she does do so much for me (when around) and even when not. It's just shite timing and I expected more understanding on her part.

Well maybe so (all the harder when she takes off then) but there's definitely a flakey pattern around men it seems to me.

What did she say when you confronted her?

She was very, very avoidant of my concerns and feelings. Kept reiterating that it wasn't a different country and that she'd visit every fortnight. Regardless of what I said she just kept saying that she'd visit.

And she kept trying to hug me. Which usually is fine (I'm a huggy person) but it was all rather "don't have a tantrum, dear".

I'm with your mum. Live for today, nobody knows how long they've got. And you can visit her every fortnight.... that way you see each other every week

I'd imagine on some level she must know this relationship is likely to go the same way as all her other ones, and doesn't want to talk about that (in the context of your concerns). All you can do is see how things go. Funny how every time she meets someone it's her life that has to be uprooted, isn't it .

I don't have a close relationship with my mum, so maybe I have low expectations, but I'm surprised to hear that anyone might expect so much of their parents. I wouldn't expect my mum to even visit me if I had a problem, let alone decide not to live with a new partner based on my needs. It's nice that you have such a close relationship, I suppose! But aren't you worried that you might make your mother unhappy?

Ah! So you are the constant in her adult life. The one she can rely to be there when she comes back!

I have an aunt like that. Oddly, despite only having been reliable between husbands, her daughter thinks she is mum of the century and won't hear a word said against her (so no explaining stealing the money for our grandmother's funeral, disappearing with my first car for a holiday, arriving at my sisters shared house and staying for 3 months or any of the other weird behaviours we all put up with at the beginning or end of each relationship).

Actually, reading that back and the one I just posted about DHs family, I think I can see why we work so well together. Low expectations and/or a need to be nicer than our families are.

Neverending don't feel bad about telling her how you feel, but don't expect er to 'get it'. She won't! That isn't what you do in her life, she won't be able to process it in a way that would be of any use to you. Steel yourself for her return when Wales falls through

I'm sorry things are so hard for you, OP, but as grandmother whose dd and dgd live with me, I know at there will come a time when my dd announces that she is leaving and that is as it should be. I am not like your mother but I personally think her behaviour is much, much preferable to mothers that sit around living their lives through their children and tying them to their apron strings.

When our children are small we have to be so careful not to do something that would hurt them., but really being flaky and getting into rubbish relationships can be great fun though not a life one would want to drag young children along on.

Sounds like you've had a rough ride. Couldn't your mum have taken on your son who was fostered to help you out a little

Why are you relying so much on your mother for support? You are an adult, you should both be free to live your own lives. You seem to think of your mother as some sort of carer for you.

All really fair points. I guess because this has happened before I am dubious and I don't want her making further mistakes. (I know it's not up to me, she has to make her own mistakes but still.)

I just know that when her second marriage fell through all she wanted to do was to move back to where we are (her parents, me, her grandkids, my brother, her friends) and she fought really hard to do it and managed to get a mortgage for a new build house. And now this man has come in and she's moving again. He's rarely come to visit her, she always goes to visit him. He's met all of us (because at different stages we have gone to Wales) but she has never met anyone besides his sister.)

I'm angry (rightly or wrongly so) that she is (to me) abandoning me in what for me is a time of need. I don't see her as a carer for me - just the only family member I do have. My brother who is close by rarely sees me or my mum's side of the family as he sided with my dad in the divorce, and my other brother (who I am close with) lives near London. I don't see anyone from my dad's side of the family. My dad was never supportive and as the eldest child I remember the pain and aggression when my parents were married and he's refused to accept any responsibility even blaming me at times. It just wasn't healthy relationship for my children so I ceased contact and he has done the same. I visited her (with my dd) when she was in Turkey, my siblings didn't. I visited her and showed my support when she was with her second husband. My heart just isn't in it now. I'm going through such a rubbish time that I really need her support and fleeing again doesn't make sense in my mind.

My mum refused to have my dd live with her rather than go into foster care as she was concerned that she would misbehave and lie like she has done with me (another story for another time).

Plus her father was the one who passed away at Easter and she has always wanted to be back to be close to them - I couldn't see her moving away from my nan again.

If they'd known each other for longer and she hadn't previously moved away to be with a man before maybe I would be able to put aside my own life struggles to be happy for her - but I did that already when she moved to Turkey. I am motivated by her 'be happy and think of yourself' attitude, but I just don't think she's doing this for the right reasons. I think she's incapable of being alone, and I know from what she has been through that she should be happy alone first before making another big move. And yes, I am the constant adult in her family life...

How young were your 2 younger brothers when she left the 1st time?

13 and 18. I was 20 with my infant dd. We weren't littlies but it was life changing. I'm now 31.