Does anyone else feel like they have nothing in common with their monther?

[KayDee81]

Like the subject says really. I feel we dont have anything to talk about other than the odd small talk. Its quite sad really, sometimes when shes talking to me i just switch off and completely ignore her. I then feel really guilty about it, we had a great relationship growing up as she was a lone parent, i dont know. Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Yes me though our relationship is quite ropey now.

Me. I just talk about what she is interested in. It is exhausting.

What is it that she is interested in?

I am much older and realize that you inherit many of your DP's traits, even the ones you disliked or dismissed.

You don't have to be bestest friends with your DM, but you have a lot of shared history.

I will not inherit my mother's traits, I'm old enough to know that. Shared history means nothing if you have completely different perceptions of it.

DH and his dad struggle to find things to talk about. As we live some distance away we tend to see him for a full day and it's hard work.

Ime men dont' talk about things - they look at stuff eg tools, new car etc and grunt. It's about shared interests I think (I'm not a bloke) not chatting.

It say's more about you than her if your default behaviour is to switch off and ignore her. Not only is it disrespectful but you are teaching any children you may have that this is acceptable behaviour. How would you feel if one of your kids, in years to come, treated you in a similar way?

Can't you just make a bit of an effort? What is it that you despise so much in her for you to exhibit such rudeness?

I'm genuinely interested to know as a close friend of mine is having a similar experience with her own grown up daughter.

I felt like this, too. I did try but but my mum would tell me her news and I'd tell her mine and there would be some small talk about this and that. I wanted more but it didn't really happen. I tried. She probably tried too.

I felt like this too but she wasn't interested in me or my life, or what I thought about anything. We're not in touch any more.

We don't have a lot in common and i do find it hard work. BUT - we could chat better if she would even pretend to be interested in anything i say!

Anything i try to say about DH, or his family, or any of my friends or general chit chat will be met with 'never mind', or a disinterested 'hmm' while she stares into space and then she'll launch into a monolog about:
a) someone i've never met's,
b) extreme trivia about her week,
c) her medical problems and how she never complains.

She'll even cut me off in the middle of telling her about little DD4 to give a blow by blow account about some random kid on a bus that neither of us know! I mean what's that all about?

Hmm, yes, the long drawn out tales (tails?) of Mrs Whatsit's cousin's dog -

I think it's a lack of anything which enthuses them in their lives. But if we are honest any tale about someone you have no control over or cannot make changes about can be boring even if it's about a close relative, unless it's juicy gossip.

Illnesses and health issues are Veeeery important to people but OMG someone else's health is v boring especially as they have no interest whatsoever in any advice or comment you make (unless you have a stethoscope slung round your neck).

I suggest doing something else while 'chatting' eg watching tv, washing dishes or gardening etc

Is there anything that kind of interests her, which you could develop an interest in? Gardening? History? some TV show? Cooking?

I only ask because it's the only way I can get on with my mother - feeding her new interests about which I already know enough to find them interesting.

Generally she is inclined to bulldoze everyone around her with her massive collection of personal baggage and extreme immaturity and self-centredness. She also talks far, far too much about anything and everything - it's completely antisocial, she talks about 10 times as much as anyone else in a conversation because she thinks what she is saying is more interesting than what anyone else could say (and she is explicit about this). When she talks at people relentlessly she makes me feel like I'm stuck in a small concrete room with a tone-deaf brass band - I can't think at all until she's left the conversation. I can't do anything - I'm the perfect conversational victim for her.

However, if I'm going to be trapped listening to her bore* her way into my skull, at least it could be about something vaguely interesting. So I give her books and encourage her interests, and share some of them. She's my mother, I'm not going to give up on her even if I do go a bit quiet when she's being vile. She's had a hard life (mainly because of all her unresolved issues and lack of insight - with some reality checks early on and better education it could all have been so different). But I do really need this crutch of "shared interests" to be able to cope with the interactions. She isn't the world's easiest person to get on with.

*I mean both senses of the word

I feel the same way. I sometimes think that if we were not related we would not even speak. We have very little in common and what we do she ignores my opinions or thought on the topic anyway. So now I just make all conversations about her. It's easier.

NB i should add that my mother knows basically nothing about what I think, feel or do, and hasn't done for decades. In that sense we have nothing at all in common.

If I try to tell her anything about my life she either interrupts with something of her own, or she rips me to shreds about it in some totally unnecessary put-downs/one-upmanship competition that she wants to play with me (but only if she can win).

In the last few decades I haven't volunteered any information about myself to her, other than specifics of dates, times and places - e.g. for my wedding, that was all the info she got, and all the input she wanted, because anything else would apparently have been me trying to hog the limelight

However - we can hold a polite conversation about gardening, and history, where I learn stuff from her because I can't get a word in edgeways

Thanks for all your messages, glad im not the only one!

I dont know i just feel like we're strangers just sharing blood. And sometimes im certain shes lying to my face about things to try and make herself seem more interesting. She divored 8 years ago and hasnt met anyone since. I tried to help her get back out there but she claims she'd rather be alone. The marriage broke down through lack of communication so she says. So why does she not try to make more of an effort with the people she loves?

I feel a crushing sadness when I think of my relationship with my mother and I frequently envy my friends close relationships with their mums. We just have nothing in common at all. She is very elderly now which makes the situation seem even worse.

She is a very entitled and negative person which can be quite draining. She recently had a fall when bringing the washing indoors and completely blamed my dad for it because it had started raining when he said it was going to be a nice day!

I pop in to see her and my dad about once per week for an hour or so but that is my limit. The constant complaining and bad language make seeing both of my parents a chore.

I dread times such as Mothers day when we are expected to go out for a meal as I know nothing will be good enough and she will find something to complain about which sounds awful but true. At Christmas I really work hard making the dinner but I know something will be wrong, I once tried to put pancetta with the sprouts and you would of thought I was trying to poison her.

Yesterday my 18yo DD came back from their house quite upset as they hold quite narrow minded and uneducated views about what is in the news right now and they were voicing them to her in a very nasty racist way.

The only hobbies my mum has is watching telly and criticising my dad she is truly bothered about nothing else.

I know that my mum genuinely doesn't realise how her behaviour effects those around her and she can be a kind and generous person occasionally which is at complete odds with her behaviour the rest of the time. I love her because she is my mother but sometimes I don't like her which makes me feel like a horrible person.

My mum and I have always had a difficult relationship since early childhood. I'm now responsible for a lot of her care and tbh resent it massively but do it out of duty. It's a fact that if she hadn't given birth to me she and I would never have been friends, we just don't have anything in common. Sad but there it is and it's too late to try and change things now.

I wonder if its to do with the relationship our mothers had with their own mothers? I know mine barely saw hers, having moved away. I never met my grandmother, who died when I was little.

I feel a little sad when I see friends who have really close relationships with their mums, or even fictional portrayals of happy adult mother/daughter relationships.