Need help with feeling desperately insecure in relationship

[showsomeclass]

Hi MN'ers

I'm going to be really honest with myself here, and thought it might be useful to get some feedback or ask if anyone has ever been through this and how it ended up, or how they dealt with it

I've posted before about issues that I have had with my DP, but actually, when I honestly look at it, all the issues are mine (I think) and not his.

I'm completely and totally insecure which is causing me to be obsessive, anxious and needy (although I do my absolute best not to show it and think I'm doing a good job) - all character traits I do not like or want to be

I have always been pretty confident in myself, and still am, apart from when it comes to relationships (had a pretty bad experience)

I am constantly wondering what he's doing, what he's thinking, if he's with someone else, why he hasn't replied to a message within a certain timescale, if he sees us as long, long-term, whether he will cheat on me, who he is receiving messages from, when will he suggest moving in together, how much does he love me, etc etc. It's making me ill

The easy solution for me would be to end the relationship. But I don't want to live like this, settling for people who don't make me feel this way because I simply don't care about them enough to get these negative and destructive thoughts in the first place, rather than actually be with someone who I really really like (love) and allow myself to be happy!

Just to clarify, he treats me really well. Is always very affectionate and loving, tells me how much he loves me a lot, never cancels plans with me. He can be flirty with other women which makes my blood boil, but he has never given me any real reason to believe he isn't being genuine

I hate feeling like this - has anyone been in a similar situation? Did it end badly? Or were you able to find a way to stop being like it. He has no idea what I'm going through - I'm sure he'd run a mile if he did!

I really do need some helpful advice from people who know how I might be feeling

I haven't been through this (sorry) but I've been through other stuff along similar lines. Some experiences can be traumatizing and subsequent behaviour indicates there is trauma

I'd say it's the original wound/s playing out - I say wounds, plural, bcs it may be that the betrayal you experienced in a past relationship may have hit on original wound/s already there. Eg am i loved? We all want to know that but sometimes we've experienced an excruciating rejection that confirmed underlying rejections. Or seemed to.

Or there may not be previous rejections - some betrayals are so huge they blow all previous out of the water - but this is clearly deep-rooted if it is making you ill. Even if he turned out to be 'the one' and you ended up together, would your insecurity stop?

As you don't feel it's appropriate to let him know how you really feel (the torture you're going through), have you thought about counseling? Ie a trained professional who is entirely uninvolved; a safe space just for you, to express how you truly feel. That in itself could release a lot of the pressure eg of keeping this to yourself and giving you an opportunity to bash this out. It's money well spent.

Though you're posted about it which must be a relief?

Showsomeclass - I could have written your post, know exactly what you are going through.
I recommend buying the book "Reinventing your life" - It is a book recommended by therapists and it lists "lifetraps".
You go through the book and take some tests - this gives you an idea of what lifetraps you may have and then they go in to much more detail about each lifetrap and help you work through them. I imagine you have the abandonment lifetrap and the mistrust one too. I have I think 8 out of the 11 lifetraps - not great eh! I will copy the url of the amazon link - I honestly think it will help you a lot. I am slowly working my way through - it can be quite intense. My partner knows how I feel and he is doing a lot for me to calm me and reassure me - but this is no way to live, right? I think you are supposed to have a therapist whilst you go through it, I am going to the Dr on Fri to ask for a schema therapist and will take the book along with me.
Look up Schema too. Hope this helps.

www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041

Thank you Springydaffs and BramblePie

I feel quite overwhelmed and the kindness you have shown.

Springy - I think you're onto something. When I was 17, I fell head over heels in love with a man 11 years older than me, had two babies by the time I was 21, then found out he had been sleeping with my best friend for over a year. I was heart broken that BOTH of them could do that to me. It took me years to get my confidence back. Maybe it's these emotions coming back and biting me on the bum. Yes, admitting I have this problem and being honest with myself about it has helped. For the last year, I have blamed DP and focussed on what he was doing that was causing it - but really, it's all in my head

Bramble I wish I could talk to him about it. I just can't! I don't know why... I guess I don't want him to think about me differently and I even fear that if he knew what i was thinking he wouldn't want me anymore. It's terrible. Thanks for the book suggestion - I'll definitely have a look.

I was pulling my hair out yesterday and seriously realised I can't carry on like this - so have already booked a consultation with a therapist.. I actually feel a bit better already and am looking forward to receiving some help with this.

x

Awww OP I could have written this post myself. I have been cheated on a good few times and the wounds take a long long time to heal.

2 years ago I started seeing someone and I was overwhelmed by how strong our feelings were for each other. It was amazing but then my insecurities started creeping in. I told her about them and she didn't take them well, saying she has done nothing to cause concern etc. It almost ruined our relationship. Two years on and I have learnt how to control my anxieties.

It all boils down to trust. Ask yourself if you can trust him, if you do then that's half of the battle. If you find yourself stewing and thinking about what he's doing, read a book, anything that will take your mind off it. You have to train yourself to stop overthinking, imagining and thinking "what if".

I know its hard but you need to try

I feel your pain OP - and like Bramble could have written your post at the start of this year. I was suffering from terrible relationship anxiety to the point where I couldn't sleep eat etc I was linking current events to past ones with ex's where I had been cheated on and left devastated, every situation was turned into a negative by my thinking and it was slowly driving me nuts.

I too found it hard to talk to my partner although he could tell I was over analysing every situation and it was starting to get to him and have an effect on the relationship as whole so I eventually went for some counselling and she helped me to shut down my "negative voice" every time it popped up and said something I had to try and turn it on its head with the positive opposite i.e he must be cheating on me would become why would he be cheating on me? I don't know why he's with me became He's lucky I'm with him I don't deserve him - he doesn't deserve me. It's hard work and at times I still find myself slipping back into that old frame of mind - at the moment we are having a bit of a dry spell and I can feel myself thinking it must be because he doesn't fancy me any more or is sleeping with someone else. I also found mindfulness helped a lot with clearing my head of all these thoughts (even though they aren't just thoughts they are very real when you are suffering)
Another good tip was just to write down all the little things people say to praise you - even if it's just at work or a friend thanking you for something or complimenting you on an outfit (alot of my problems were linked to low self esteem on the whole and not feeling good enough to be with my partner) this then became my go to book when I was having a wobble.

If all else fails me and my girlfriends always end up thinking "what would beyonce do" usually ends up giving us a bit of a giggle if nothing else
Sending you some hugs. It is a horrible frame of mind to be in but you can get out of it.
P.s I might try that book too :)

Thanks BoredAdminGirl

I can't trust him though. He hasn't done anything, and it's not specifically HIM that I don't trust. He's just so amazing, I can't believe he's with me half the time! It's almost as if I'm just waiting for it to happen which is why I'm on the look out for it - even if it isn't or going to! It's so horrible... I wish I could just be more confident and think he isn't going to cheat or leave me but more so, think that even if he did, it wouldn't be the end of the world and it would be his loss anyway. I would love to be able to think like that and have done in previous relationship - but my heart wasn't really in it and I didn't really love him. That, therefore, made being in the relationship easier, but I ended it because I knew I would never really be happy and it wasn't fair on him either. Now I am with someone I really want to be with, these emotions have flared up :-(

Thanks too WWBDT You made me smile

I do actually try to think the positive things, but when I do, I have this niggle inside me that I am faking those thoughts. Sometimes I get good days and do think them naturally. The other problem is that when I get long periods of anxiety like this, I get so emotionally wrecked that I then get angry and feel resentment towards poor DP. And he has no idea!!

Thanks for the other tips - I'll try anything! Thanks for the hugs, sending some back to all of you who have taken the time to write back and who may be feeling like this too

Being mindful definitely helps - I have also bought a book on that but for now the reinventing your life one is the one for me.

I too have been cheated on and also my parents left for a different country when I was younger. I did have the option to go but at 15 I thought I knew it all. I didn't and certainly do feel abandoned.

My partner always tells me I need to find my self worth. I am always wondering why he is with me, he is much better looking than me etc etc. When we first dated I was very happy, I felt confident and I think all these old feelings just bring up the insecurities.

When I am single I think I am great! I have loads of confidence, really bubbly etc happy to go out and stay in but now I am wondering what my partner is doing, he wont go out without me, he tells me who is texting him etc. All good to help me relax but not very good for either of us. I know I just need to trust him but I said to him the other day, I don't want to trust him and then for him to cheat on me and i'd have been right along and angry with myself for believing it. I really don't think my guy will cheat though, so why am I obsessed with the idea he will? Argh, very annoying and I feel for you OP.

Just had the book delivered Bramble :-) so am hoping it will help me too

I had an interesting session with a therapist earlier. She got me to tell her about some of the not so good things that have happened to me during my childhood, teenage years and young adult life and she made a statement afterwards that really hit home with me. She said she had never seen someone talk about this things with her and not show any emotion - that I was almost dismissive. This made me realise I'm afraid of sharing my emotions. I either think people will think I'm being a complete drama queen, or I just don't like the feeling of feeling them - so I shut them away. That could be quite true to why I feel unable to talk to my DP.. I'm sure there's more to it than that though

Wow - I totally get why you would feel abandoned! I had a similar thing, in that I was one of 6 children and my parents moved to another country, but took me with them because I was only 11, leaving the rest behind as they were older and didn't want to move. My world was ripped apart and I hated it! They didn't care whether I wanted to go or not and all my brothers and sisters hardly speak to them now and feel quite resentful and hurt I think.

I'm the same when I'm single too! I guess you haven't got anyone close enough to you that could possibly hurt you that way, but you want that closeness, but then when you have it, you're afraid. That's how I see it anyway

Hope things get better for you and I'll let you know how I find the book!

Could have written it too, was waiting for it to go wrong and it did :( we're trying to fix things but it's so hard to believe someone (i know yours hasn't done anything) can change... Mine hasn't cheated, it's financial and I'm prepared to try again but my god, my guard is up and now I suspect him of everything.
I suffer massive anxiety issues since the big reveal so I try to go easy on myself but it's as though because something went wrong once, I'm ready for the next thing even though deep down I should know it won't... I'm Rambling, just to say I totally understand

It's can be quite overwhelming when people recognise things about you (like your therapist) that you never recognised in yourself. It makes you have more questions about it all but definitely makes understanding things easier.

My cousin recommended me the book, she is having similar problems and she is also seeing a therapist. She said to me it's a bit of a relief to know that we are all this way due to x,y,z circumstances. It's not that we are messed up per se. It was always going to happen if these certain things happened to us, it was out of our control I suppose.

I hope you get some enlightenment from the book. I am still working through the abandonment one and the mistrust one. I was in tears reading it out to my partner. I noticed he stroked me leg on every sentence I said about having traits in the mistrust one as if a recognition of "yes you do that" "and that", "and that". I felt awful but I am glad the book gives tips on how to retrain your mindset. My partner is also appreciating that I am wanting to help myself and get over these issues.

How are you feeling about your partner now showsomeclass?

Just wanted to say I also could of written this!

And thanks bramble for the recommendation for the book, I also ordered it, it came today and I've read the lot. Not done the excersize a but just reading it has brought back past memories I had no idea about. It's been a insight.

I read the sample pages on Amazon and thought it wouldn't relate to me as I had a great childhood but seems I have repressed a lot of memories and the book is spot on and it's all linked to child hood.

I'm going to do the tasks at the weekend might take a while as seems I have quite a few of the issues!

Scooby, im glad youve got it too but try not rush through it. I mean ive taken days to go over 2 lifetraps and found it really overwhelming although i feel i may be a little more broken than most on here. I hope it helps you though. Its definitely helping me! Was thinking about posting about the book in relationships as i think most people can benefit from it. I think everyone will have at least 1 trap. We cant be perfect can we?! Good luck xx

I will be reading the book over a few more times! To be honest I spent most of yesterday taking notes of everything that applied to me to get it in black and white but when I went out my puppy destroyed my notepad so will have to do that again!

Hi all - looks like you should be earning commission for that book Bramble

I am feeling a little better. I haven't spent much time with the book though as just haven't had time (need to make some) and basically because we have spent a lot of time together, I haven't been away from him too much to feel the 'abandonment'...

But, It's now only Tuesday and I left his house yesterday morning, and I'm already pining, have massive anxiety feelings in my tummy, and am checking my phone every second or looking to see what he's doing on Facebook, because he hasn't messaged me. I get so angry that he can think about Facebook and find time to do that, but not send me a simple 'good morning' message. I end up thinking it's because he doesn't love me and doesn't think about me at all. It's terrible isn't it! I refuse to constantly text him though - I want HIM to show me that he's thinking about me first! The minutes feel like hours on days like this - and I have to go until Friday until I see him again - by which time my thoughts will have progressed from he's just not thinking about me to he's obviously seeing someone else.

Need to read that book...

It is hell, yes :( deffo read the book. I really think you should tell him your thoughts and he might change to help you. Ie. start messaging you good mornings etc. I know you want him to do it off his own back but he isnt. Some men need some guidance. Xx

I dunno, I once told him I felt very separate from him during the week and that I felt a bit like his weekend play thing. He was initially quite offended and upset by this, but then said that if he hadn't texted me by 10:30am - he felt guilty and pressured

Just him saying that made ME feel bad and unfair. I don't actually think he realised how important it is / was to me, but now he's said it, I don't feel able to tell him what I would like to make me feel better. He also says that he loves how confident and independant I am. If only he knew!! It's almost as if I've painted this picture of myself that he really likes, but if he knew how I really felt, he wouldn't like me anymore. I suppose I've brought this on myself really from trying to pretend I was ultra fine - when I wasn't because I was scared he wouldn't like the real me..

Feel a bit sorry for myself tonight - he signed off quite early saying he feels unwell and now not replying to me (not that I'm sending loads of messages or anything). I'm obviously taking it personally

I honestly think he just hasn't thought "oh it would be nice to send *showsomeclass a good morning txt now". I have had partners who I have lived with and will barely wake up or speak at all and I've had partners who are up chatting making me cuppy's before I go to work etc. I had a bf who would txt me throughout the day and now I have a bf who barely uses his phone. I miss little txts etc.
Also near the beginning of our relationship if he had weekends away with the guys etc i'd never hear from him. I told him when he got home that it made me feel "out of sight, out of mind" which hurt as I was thinking about him and it doesn't take long to txt a "I miss you" message etc. Now if he is away he does.
I know what you mean if he is on FB though and not messaging you but he is his own person and in his own mind and might just want to catch up on whats been going on before heading off to work.
Do you want to come first all the time otherwise you panic, start thinking the worst and before long the whole relationship is over (in your mind) and then bing! - a txt arrives and all is ok again? I struggle with this too.

There was something in the book about even if the person moves seats or sits on a seat not right beside you, you start questioning it. "Why has he moved seat? does he not love me? he must not, he must be sleeping with someone else. oh my god he's cheated!" its crazy!

I would wait for him to message you for the first few times over the next wee while. Don't always pander (I know how hard it is though). Try take your mind off him. Call a friend for a catch up etc instead.

Sorry this is a bit rushed I am at work. Also sorry if I presumed things about you but just giving you an insight into my thought process. x

Please don't apologise! I appreciate the message completely!

Yes, I relate to everything you say and I feel exactly as you describe (I could be panicking like crazy, thinking all sorts, then he messages and I'm fine for the rest of the day. It is crazy...

I haven't got to that bit of the book yet but I get that too. We went away for the weekend a couple of weeks ago, camping with a group, and I analysed and questioned everything.. It's exhausting and demoralising, but I do it to myself. I actually feel sorry for him because I'm almost building up resentment and he has no idea and doesn't even deserve it!

Thanks for posting again - it's nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes, I just don't know where to turn. I hope things are good and turn out really well for you

Last night my partner got home around 7 (usually finishing time is 5 although generally gets home around 6ish). I saw I had a missed call from him at 6.45 but no voicemail. I had been making dinner wondering whether I should just eat or wait for him. Having no idea when he was gona be home. So when he came in and was all happy asked how my day was I just gave him one word answers. I was too concerned about why he was late, why no call etc. He said "i was busy" and in my mind he had been away cheating. So in the end we had dinner, he called his parents for a bit and by the time he was off the phone I went to bed. I kind of ruined last night because he came home at 7pm instead of his usually 6pm. I'm sure he was working but this is what it's like! I just feel i'd be happier on my own even though I love him very much.
Even though I was the arse last night he e-mailed me this afternoon asking if I am ok and what do I want for dinner :)

Did you message your bf this morning or did he message you?

I was with my best friend on Tuesday, a rare occasion as she lives abroad. I told her how i feel and she said I just need to trust him. She had the same issues initially with her bf (now husband) and once he had gone out without her she got the huff, asked why she wasn't invited etc. He said he is allowed to have his own time/space and its good to have that. He said would he really want to risk all they built together - no! And so after he gave her a telling off she realised he was right and now they do lots of things separately (She visited here without him). So I know she is right - its just hard to accept! Friend said "if they want to cheat, they will cheat but you have to first trust they wont". Very true. Even if I stop him going out or whatever he could still do something during the day when i work further away.