Hi - I wrote the long post below after yet another upsetting blow up at the weekend with DH. Now seeing my feelings written down makes it blindingly obvious I need to take some action wrt separating. So how did you screw up your courage to take action, if you've been in the same not-actual-abuse situation? Post is massive and rambling, you don't need to read it, it was cathartic to get it out.
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Together with DH 15yr, married 10yr, 2 DC primary age. I think about separating all the time. DH's recurring, ranting, critical behaviour is stressful and wearing, daily life is more relaxed and enjoyable when he's not here. I've posted under a different name about his breakdown due to anxiety at the start of last year. Last year was also awful due to a family death. But the atmosphere was already going on 3 years ago and earlier. I absolutely hate the idea of the DCs living between two homes, mainly because I perceive myself as protecting them from DH ranting and can't do that with shared residency. At the same time I am miserable. Each time a bad situation happens, I think I have to divorce, no other option. Then, maybe half an hour later, DH is lighthearted again, like nothing happened, and I doubt myself.
The worst part is DH haranging the 8yr old until she is so frustrated she is in tears and trying to answer back. He just goes on and on, lots of 'you always..' 'you'll never...' sweeping statements. He says 'Why do you always make me shout at you?' DS gets upset and has started to shout 'stop arguing'. DH often says the DC 'never listen' to him. He can't seem to moderate his behaviour, or understand why they shut down and ignore him - it's their only defence when he is haranging them. He doesn't fully shout, but it's the same effect, loud, emphatic and relentless, often starting up again five minutes later when anyone else would have moved on. Often compares them to their face to other children in terms of achievement, especially in sports. Says out loud 'I can't get anything done' and has also said more than once that having children has ruined his life, in earshot of them. I have explained that it is up to him, as the adult, to change the way he interacts. I lent him the 'how to talk so kids will listen...' book, then the photocopied 'quick guide' pages when he didn't read the book, I don't think any of it was absorbed. I hate this behaviour of his more than anything. The haranging can start instantly, the kids are in the wrong immediately some days. I get the feeling, especially if it's his turn to take to a lesson, he makes such a fuss so that he can storm out with just one child, leaving the other behind 'if you don't come now, I'm going without you', or not going at all so I'll take them myself at the last minute.
I get the 'why haven't you done...' nitpicking e.g. washing up, laundry started but not yet finished, etc. I do the bulk of the cleaning, food shopping, cooking, and work 5 days part time. This is such a cliche, the sharing of housework. DH will pick on one small thing, complain on and on, then say loudly 'I always have to do everything'. This is so painfully unfair, and happens so often I've given up justifying myself. It's also hard to keep mentally afloat when everything about our life/house is constantly referred to as 'shit'. We live in a shit house apparently, it's dirty (no), other people's houses are always better, their lives are better, their children are better etc etc. Often rather grand sweeping statements to support the complaint, not really rationally looking at the facts. Or considering how he could change things to meet this ideal he's searching for. I split the housework into 10 mins a day each, 6 days a week. He couldn't be bothered to stick with that. He does work long days, but there is usually time for an hour of tv.
I'm also often told I'll die of, variously, heart disease, cancer, diabetes, stroke, repeatedly. With that list, he's hardly clairvoyant if he's right, but he's clear it will be my fault, not just the way life pans out, for not taking exercise and eating properly. My diet is fine, I cook veg or serve salad with meals. I'm miserable so I eat cake too. I'm heavier than I used to be but not overweight. I would be really sexy if I was really thin he tells me. I should also dress like the women he sees out in town and describes in detail. DH describes me as negative, never wants to do anything, never wants to plan, at the same time I'm 'lovely' and a 'brilliant mother', especially if he is having a moment of insecurity about something else in life. I was injured out of the blue recently and stuck in bed, this was also my fault, the shouting at the children reached new heights to the point of tears from both of them before school most days. I waited a long time for a drink in the morning, let alone breakfast some days. He was in the same situation but a bit worse earlier in the year, and I looked after him really well, balancing school & work, making sure he wasn't left alone. It was just so miserably disappointing. There is no supportive spouse here in the full sense, the bare minimum and two shared wage packets, no team. If I'm upset about something I wouldn't go to DH.
Unsurprisingly, I can't stand him to touch me. DTD last 3.5yrs ago, and several years gap prior to that. He has never been that interested, not really the point of this post though.
DH works, fairly stressful job, and went back to work very soon after the nervous breakdown. He wouldn't last 5 minutes treating colleagues like he treats us. And yet there are periods when he is joking with the kids, or taking them out, and everything is nice.
I am sad because I've become switched off and defensive, almost numb. Or if I'm really upset, I make sniping comments back to him to try and get him to stop ranting, and I'm not a bitch, but this is definitely twisting me into one. Horrible thoughts. He's gone away for the week. If there was a magic way to become a single parent without any of the fallout I would do it. I'm not a coward, but I'm scared of taking the next step.