ANOTHER NIGHTMARE HUSBAND!!! (sorry its along one)

[malibustacey]

Hi all have just spent a while reading other peoples messages... i cant believe how many of "us" there are out there!!!! My husband drives me crazy we fall out over the same old thing all the time.... yeah youve guessed it "the housework!!). He works full time comes home and admittedly he's tired, im home all day as we live overseas and jobs are hard to come by as is child care.... , so i clean .... and clean..... and clean...., take kids to school pick them up, get food ready for all, wash pots blah blah blah...! I know we have life alot easier than housewives of yesteryear but is it really to much to ask for a little help now and then?????

He is sooo laid back i could scream sometimes... anything to make me happy (apart from house work!!! lol) . I hated my body he let me have a tummy tuck... i hate living abroad so we are now in the process of buying a house back home so i can move back and take up university!!! But these things arent the root of the problem its really about him making an effort at home now and again... or not falling asleep on the sofa leaving me to have conversations with the TV!!!

How are you meant to feel sexy and want to be intimate with your DH when you feel like a skivvy???? So we have ended up like two people living along side each other plodding along and now and then i have as much as i can take and we end up having a massive row and everything gets sorted out with a promise of him trying to make an effort and off we go on the roundabout again.....

So is it put up and shut up???? or am i unreasonable to think he should help out??? Everyone i speak to seem to have the same problems is it just men??? Is this what marriage is all about?? I mean if i had a full time job (which i did when we lived in the uk) i still did everything!!!!

Well folks any advice would be much appreciated and sorry for the lengthy ramble .. must say i feel a little better now its off my chest ...

Get a cleaner, we have one and we don't argue about housework, and yes I'm a sahm!

I fyou are home then surely it doesn't take all your time doing housework, it's just not possible.

Do you have any hobbies?

I think it's fair enough for him to wind down and leave housework to you as you must get more free time.

I understand that too but things were still the same when i worked full time... why is it we are born with this knowledge of what things need doing in a house( according to my hubby) but as a man he is totally unaware... Yes i do have a hobby i make jewellery , is it really too much to ask to have a little equality???

its crazy once the kids come home its non stop (i have three) (four if you include hubby)lol!!! Dont get me wrong i dont want him to pick the hoover up when he comes in just take a bit of notice of even the kids would be nice!!!

Thanks for your advice any way sometimes i think my problem is that i dont have a job and feel like i have no personal purpose in life!!!

Never give up work. It rarely works out. Get back to work, out earn him and have fun.

Many men do shae domestic chores. Always choose them with care. Have that on your list. If he won't make him pay someone to do it but never step in and do it yourself if he doesn't as therein lie the roots of all these problems.

My situation is similar to yours in that I have 3 children and a SAHM. DH does no housework or cooking as such although he does help me load the dishwasher. I am happy about this as I have plenty of time during the day to take care of anything that needs doing. I do however expect that he does at least 50% of the childcare when he's around. Can you not establish a routine of alternating bathnights / homework / bed time stories?

Yup, men have been running this racket for years. Housework is shitwork, and the whole progress of human society has been a matter of designating a class of human beings to shut up and do the shitwork because that's their 'role in life'.

SO what do you do? Make a list of what jobs need to be done (separatng housework and childcare) and how many hours per week/day they take. Then divide them up and hand him his share. Don't do his jobs. If he doesn't do them, they don't get done (OK, this may mean you still have to do all the cooking as you can't starve yourself or your kids) but if he won't wash up, get paper plates etc. If he moans, point out to him that if he lived alone he would have to do dishes/laundry/hoovering etc and the shitwork should actually be divided betwen the number of people who live in a house, not just into the equation that the ones who have penises don't have to do it and the ones who don't have penises are somehow born to do it.
ANd, FYI, I don;t live with a male partner and have no intention of ever doing so, but my house is a mess because I have better things to do than dust and hoover. And I don;t care as long as we're fed and clothed.

Is housework really any worse than a lot of jobs out there in terms of boredom etc?

Personally I operate on the basis that DH and I should 'work' the same amount of hours as each other. As a SAHM It just so happens that my work involves cooking, cleaning and childcare.

I understand with what you are saying chocolatedot BUT if someone you worked with constantly left work on your desk or passed onto you their "crappy" work would you just sit and take it..??!

I felt the same with my dh and although I saw it as my role to maintain the house dh tbh didn't see that. He says I'm a sahm NOT a sahc. It took a while to get to this and many arguments but dh always agreed with me and infact was often more for me NOT cleaning and wanting us to hire one.
Now at 31 weeks pregnant its a struggle cleaning and dh works mega long hours so its not always an option for his help so we are in the process of hiring a cleaner.

I also find it very degrading cleaning someone elses sh1t from a toilet. .!

malibustacey, I agree with others about getting yourself a cleaner to help out BUT I would sit your dh down and calmly explain your concerns and issues. I did and dh honestly wasn;t aware of how bad I felt. He also told me that if something needs doing to tell him clearly once and he will do it. I am still to get that sudden response BUT he does acknowledge that the "bin" needs emptying and he does eventually do it..I suppose just not as quickly as me..

I usually wait till friday night and say " right your task this weekend is to hoover or mop or to do a job I am struggeling with" Hes much more responsive now.

Sorry Shhh, should have made it clear. I do have a cleaner, 2 mornings a week. I couldn't manage to do all the cleaning and keep DS3 (ages 2 and the only one not at school) entertained otherwise. I suspect though that when he goes to school, I'll give her up.

I worked for 17 years in a very stressful job and I can honestly say that I am far happier emptying the washing machine while listening to Radio 4 or walking in the park with my children than flying to New York for yet another company presentation etc etc. Call me sad but I like doing things for my family and feel lucky to be able to make that choice.

ah right...I agree in that I to love my "job" as a sahm and honestly wouldn;'t want to return to work as I love the flexability being a sahm gives me.
I had this discussion with dh last night,I do get on with the jobs in the home etc and I have given up asking him for help etc BUT have had to start again as its becoming a struggle with a huge tummy in the way ..!
ATM things are much more even and like I said dh does help out when I need it but suppose I hate asking iykwim.
DH did comment though last night that this place needs to go back to the 1950's when women put up and shut up .!! Yeah and like I told him there were a lot of unhappy marriages even then..its only once a partner dies that you then find out resentment for x years for how they were treated etc. Thing is as well..in the 1950's they were a generation who believed marriage was for life.

IMO yeah I am at home to do the majority of the work etc BUT I still expect dh to help out when needed as it is his home as well.