Am I right to be thinking divorce. Friend thinks I'm being foolish

[stayclassy9988]

I'm going to try and sum up the last few years of background to not drip feed.

Back in 2007 DC was 8months old he started mentioning a lady from work name dropping quite often. He left our pc open on his facebook page and he was arranging to meet her and had told me he had arranged to see a male friend that night. We argued and he refused to believe he was in the wrong in the end I let it drop as I was convinced nothing had happened.

2010 we were unhappy and arguing quite a lot. He went away with work to a exhibition show and became friendly with a lady on one of the booths. She happened to live in the next town over and he had met up with her a few times. One evening all the signs started adding up so I snooped on his email and he was out with her that night. When he got home his bags were packed and I threw him out. After a separation we did get back together and I did find out later he had been with her romantically.

I have laid the rules down and we have had a happy 5 years with no issues up until now.

About a month ago he had a few too many to drink and started mentioning a woman's name from work he works in a male environment and this shocked me. Nothing further was mentioned but it appeared on my facebook news feed he was now friends with her.

Two weeks ago we both attended his works party and I overhead my H and his friend talking about the "friend" and how he must be missing her as she wasn't at the party and if he would miss working with her when she changed shifts.

Ever since that night I had had the feeling that everything is not alright and that he's broken the trust I have. He told me after the second woman he believed men and women could not be platonic friends.

He has synced up our pc with his mobile as I run our business from home and this morning after not using the pc over the weekend I have seen in the contacts app he has added her phone number. I use his contacts and messages from pc to text customers about there orders so it wasn't snooping I have had access to this for over a year now. I have looked at messages as I can see this appears he/ her haven't messaged each other over the weekend as if you delete off the phone it still shows on the pc. but for me this now is too much even if they aren't messaging as its de ja vu all over again and it could be weeks/months or they might not start anything.

I've spoken to a friend on the weekend and updated her on this mornings findings and she said she thinks I'm being very foolish to throw away what he have built over the last few years over something that my or may not happen. And that I should just talk to him and tell him how I feel and forgive and forget and move on again.

The "friend" does have a boyfriend but imo it makes little difference as the other two had a boyfriend and the other a husband and that happened regardless.

I need perspective please, am I being foolish in thinking about how to publicly humiliate him? Only two very close friends know about previous events as I am a very private person.

I know if he had just saved a woman as a contact I wouldn't be feeling this way but with everything that has happened previously I can't trust him but would it be enough for you to walk away?
Up until this I did love him and did trust him but my feelings have changed.

WWUD?

I know deep down after last time I should have divorced him but by the time I found out the real truth I was so happy my dc was so happy everything had changed and we were starting a fresh and it was good. In hindsight we were on the hysterical bonding stage at the time and I didn't want it to end.

Don't try to publicly humiliate him, you will only humiliate yourself.

yhour friends do not sound like good friends if they suggest "I'm being very foolish to throw away what he have built over the last few years", when clearly that what has been built is a situation where your husband can make a fool of you, disrespct you and lie to you about meeting other women who he is probably sleeping with.

"He told me after the second woman he believed men and women could not be platonic friends."

He's basically lining up his excuse for when you find out

excuses, for they will be plural.

What would I do? Someone lying to me for 8 years and counting would be enough for me to ditch them.

Never mind what your friend thinks.

You don't trust him, and he doesn't sound like he's making sure you deserve his trust.

It sounds like you were kind of a little rail roaded (partly by circumstances, not just by him) in to just sweeping the last breach of trust under the carpet, so this time round, you're feeling stronger and more able to take a stand for what you won't live with.

Your feelings have changed, you don't trust him.

I don't think your friend's opinion should matter. You have the right to say ''look, this isn't working any more" and you wouldn't be wrong to say that. It'd be your right, even if it inconvenienced your H or puzzled your friend.

No trust, no relationship

Yes, this is basically the third time he's put you on this hamster wheel of self-doubt.

I would ltb and find some better friends. You should never have taken back after the first infidelity. He won't change.

I don't think it really matters what anyone else would do.
This is YOUR life and your decision.

You don't trust him and there's no surprise there.
You won't ever trust him because he keeps on doing things to cause more mistrust.
He was unfaithful at least twice.

What do you want your life to be like?
This?? Checking up on him. Feeling like crap?

You know what you need to do otherwise you wouldn't have posted.
I'd get all my ducks in a row first though.
Get some legal advice about where you would stand with assets and business etc..... Then go from there.

He's constantly going behind your back and starting up inappropriate relationships with other women - not once, but now a few times, really, what is there to save, he obviously doesn't know the meaning of loyalty and trust in a relationship, for me, that would be the last nail, you've already been here with him, unless you want to spend the rest of your life policing is whereabouts I'd put yourself first here and do what is right for you.

Ditch. Seriously, your friend is talking bollocks. Your h is raking the piss.

I think friends quite often have a subconscious desire to maintain the status quo, and (except perhaps in very close friendships) this can affect advice given. You are the one who knows the full story and what has happened before. Most importantly you are the one who knows how you are feeling now. Don't worry about what others think.

Well for a close friend she's not a very good one is sge?
Your DH clearly thinks he can do what the fuck he likes, why wouldn't he?-he has got away with it previously.
I'd get rid, but then I'd have done it after the first incident.

Don't waste your time and effort to publicly humiliate him. Use it to pack his belongings.

He has cheated on you at least 3 times in the last 8 years he won't change. He say he sorry, he will do what he needs to to do make you let him stay then in another 2/3 years he will do it all again.

...He told me after the second woman he believed men and women could not be platonic friends...

He set out his stall with a variety of goods and you started up with him again so I would guess that he now thinks deep down that he has more or less carte blanche to do what he likes. (The 'more or less' referring to some preservation of the niceties.)

I'd speak to a lawyer directly. How are you fixed on the praticalities? (eg financials, house, job, childcare etc etc.)

Your friend says 'forgive' but it sounds more like 'give in'. I think you deserve more.