Anyone else feel they've failed as a parent? I'm sure I have

[takemebacktovenice]

Hi,

Having a very bad day. I suffer with depression and anxiety anyway, but my anxiety recently is crippling and is mainly down to my DD struggling so much. She has certain social and coordination difficulties, which we're getting help for. However, recently she's becoming more and more unhappy and even though her dad and I split 3 years ago, she is struggling to accept it. More so with time actually. It's like a very delayed reaction. She said to me last that I should have stayed with her dad, because that would have been best for her and that I couldn't understand because my parents are still together. DDs words "shall I tell you what it's like?....It feels terrible" It was like a dagger through the heart and I couldn't speak. She's only 8 and she feels like this! These are the days she should be care free and happy. Not feeling broken and anxious all the time. I try so hard to make her happy, but it seems as though, right now, all she wants is for her dad and I to get back together. This can't happen and she adores my new DP. DDs dad was EA and very childish. I still care for him, but our relationship was toxic. I also feel terrible for my DP, because she hears my DD saying how much she wishes I was still with her dad. She does more for my DD than her dad ever has, but of course I understand her pain. I understand it, but I can't take it away. I need her to be happy.

Sometimes I think, could I have just pretended and stayed? Should I have done what so many others do? Was I selfish to want to be happy? I didn't just leave for me. It was for my DD. I couldn't bear her thinking that that kind of relationship was normal. I wanted her to feel happy, safe and secure, but it appears that she doesn't feel any of that.

I'm aching with sadness. Please please help.

Afraid I don't have any advice to offer you, but I feel exactly the same. My daughter says similar things and it is completely heartbreaking. I ask myself the same questions too.

It is not selfish to want to be happy and it is certainly not selfish to want to protect your daughter from growing up thinking that any type of abuse is normal or acceptable. You did what you had to do, staying in an abusive relationship destroys you.

I work for a charity which looks after homeless teenagers and I can assure you, that a) she's very likely acting out because she feels safe enough to do so and b) you're not a bad parent. I come across parents who think they're fucking stellar examples and yet their actions would give you nightmares for a month.

You haven't failed. But ask your team for referral to family therapy to work with a professional who sees you and dd and can come up with strategies.

Thank you so much for the replies.

It's just feels so alien not to be able to make her happy. That's my job.

I'm afraid I've had some very bad experiences with family therapy. When I was 12/13, I got my first bout of depression and had family therapy and it was a disaster. Also , my DD was seen by CAMHS about 18 months a go and that was awful too. The therapist was absolutely useless. I'm not having a go at therapists generally, of course. I'm aware that the vast majority do an amazing job. I'm just, understandably I think, a little reluctant.

I feel guilty for wanting to be happy. I haven't been completely happy since I was 12. I've had plenty of happy times, yes, but as an adult, I've never had that feeling of genuine contentment and I know that if my DD isn't happy, then neither am I.

I think my DP is growing tired of my depression. She's been so supportive overall. Amazing really, but I guess there's only so many times she can hear me banging on about being useless and a failure.

My parents split when o was young, and kids do fantasize about being that nuclear happy family, thats normal. You cant change it, so therefor have to accept it. Just say that it makes you sad too, but we are doing our best for everyone. Then move on.

I know how you feel. My DD is 7 and I split from my ex about 4 years ago, yet she still wishes we were back together. She sometimes shows signs of being an anxious child and I wonder what I could do/have done differently to change that. I am sure my ex blames it on my for leaving, but if anything I think it's more likely that I stayed too long and she spent too my much of her early years living in a stressful atmosphere. Or maybe she would have been this way anyway?

There's no way my ex would agree to her seeing a therapist as he distrusts them as you do.

So frustrating not to be able to 'fix' things for her, and yes, that does make me feel that I have failed, even though in all other areas I am a confident and happy person.

Sally, you're right, I know. That niggly 'did I do the right thing' feeling, makes it difficult, but I really am trying.

I felt I did a shit job last night and this morning for that matter. I just couldn't handle it and she saw me cry, again. I tried to sort myself out, so that I could talk to her properly, but it was bloody impossible after hearing all that. She keeps asking me if her dad isn't a nice man....well, what do I say? I don't feel she is in any danger when she's with him and she needs a relationship with him, so what good would come from being completely honest? The truth is, I was constantly belittled, shouted at and made to feel as though any dreams I had were absolutely never going to happen and we're not talking about anything ott here. It was just automatic. He's a much better dad since we split, but again, I can't tell her this can I?...

I want to climb under a duvet for the foreseeable right now. I'm f*ing clueless.

Does depend on the therapist. ..
Meantime read " how to talk so kids will listen... " for some ideas.

Your honest answer is that mom and daddy didnt make each other happy any more. But you were really happy to have her.

DD's (8) still wishes that me and her dad were still together, despite witnessing him attacking me and undergoing EDMR treatment during the summer due to flashbacks. However I doubt DD wants her real Dad, who is a selfish self absorbed arse, she wants the Disney version like on Nickelodeon and in the movies.

Given her age, it's perfectly understandable why your DD hopes for the fairytale. She does not possess the skills or insight to process her sense of loss and her anxiety is no doubt adding to her confusion.

This isn't really about you or your decision to end your relationship with her dad, this is about a young girl working through loss. DD has the support of a bloody amazing phschologist and for the most part she has loosened her attachment to her fairytale.

You aren't a shit mum.

I think it is reasonably natural for an eight-year-old to dream of their parents being together. Even my dd who never lived or even spent much time with her dad was like that. I think you should attend to your own depression and anxiety as your child with be picking up on that. I know it is like a vicious circle, if she is unhappy, you are unhappy. But children are can feel miserable one minute and wonderful the next, but they take their cue from us. If we think everything is fine, they are more likely to be happy with their condition.

Don't take it personally. She's 8, and can't possibly understand how complicated divorces and relationships are yet.

All she knows is, she has a good time with you alone and she has a good time with her dad alone, if only they were together it would be doubly good. She doesn't understand how unhappy you both would be back together.

When she gets older she'll understand more. Right now, she's acting out because of childish reasoning.

I didn't want to read and run. I've no experience or advice to pass on, but I just wanted to wish you a better day today . No-one is a perfect parent, perhaps just planning one nice thing for you and your DD to do together and look forward too......

I don't know your circumstances and apologies if these ideas sound crass....

Maybe going out together for a hot chocolate and a chat...
Borrowing a DVD from the local library and watching it together.....
Girly pamper evening with homemade face masks and toe nail painting..
Planting a window box or patch of garden with some winter pansies....
Cooking together....

Guilt is a symptom of depression.

If you weren't depressed you'd be able to cope with her comments. You'd see they're perfectly normal things for an 8 year old to say.

You haven't failed one bit. But while you're depressed you'll continue to think this.

So you need to focus on recovering from your depression.

Sending as well....my H and I split earlier this year and I am in a similar situation.
It doesn't sound as if you are a bad parent at all, the fact that you are so preoccupied and guilty about it demonstrates this. She will come to realise this.

Just for balance, DP and I are in a happy relationship and have been over 20 years. However both my dc have or have have anxiety problems and issues. In fact I am taking one to counselling for the first time today. It sucks and I feel I must be in some way responsible too. I really don't think your divorce is the cause, it's probably just a hook to hang the feelings on.

This reminds me of DD aged 7 whos best friend had a step mom and new baby. She came home peeved that she didnt have a stepmom, and could i get her one? I told her that was her fathers department.
They are at an age where they are more aware of each others family set up. Some will want sisters or not!!

I'm in the same situation. My ex had an affair and we split, he is a total arsehole as a DH but a reasonable father. My DD who is 7 is struggling and takes it out on me. My personal belief is that he doesn't do emotions so she can't talk to him(he's always been dead inside!) plus she is terrified he might just stop loving her one day with no warning. There were no rows or build up to our breakup he just left emotionally one day. Never to be discussed again.

I try to reassure her that her Daddy will never stop loving her as romantic relationships are different but 7 year olds don't know this do they?
Because she can't talk to him she says it must be because I'm so unloveable - I made daddy stop loving me. It's very sad and confusing for a 7 year old

All you can do is be like a rock and be there, being consistent and loving, never slagging the other parent (as fucking difficult as it is!) and reassure constantly.

I personally think it's often the personality of the child combines with the circumstances. My 2 other DC are fine, thriving in fact. My other DD loves having 2 homes.

What I personally find helps is looking at photos with her. I start with my wedding photos (while I'm vomiting in my own mouth!) and then pregnancy photos, pictures of her sleeping on daddy's chest, us both cuddling her etc. And then talk about the future, fun we will have, what daddy's future girlfriend might look like, what my boyfriend might look like and turn it in to a joke eg: will she have a big bum, will he have a bald head etc. Until she's giggling.

In my experience (TBF I am a trained counsellor and have worked with people in crisis for 25 years, not kids though) making it happy and light hearted is the only way. Even if you feel suicidal yourself - and I have, it's bloody hard.

The truth of the matter is, for your kids sake - get yourself sorted so you can be strong for them, but it's hard X

I completely disagree with the sentence "guilt is a symptom of depression" I'd replace it with "guilt is a symptom of being a mother". It shouldn't be but it is, for all mothers. We want to be able to keep our precious babies happy and aafe at all times no matter what. It hurts. Been there. As girls our dad's are our princes and always will be no matter what. I went through this with my DD. Split with her dad when she was 8 she's now 13 and very happy. Ride it out and try not to take it to heart. You deserved to be happy too and that's how I explained it to DD. Everyone's needs and happiness are important, mummy and daddy's included.

Threefishys - google 'depressions symptoms' and guilt will be there.

It's not the same as mother's guilt. If you feel unreasonably guilty (as in this case), and can't put it in perspective, then it's more likely to do with being depressed.

And it's important to realise it's just part of your depression. So that you can concentrate on getting yourself better.

I think you've been a bit literal - but ok.