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Original poster

Friendship is wearing me down

18 replies

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 21/09/2015 10:03

I have a friend who I've known for about ten years, and recently I've been asking myself whether I have the energy to continue the friendship.

When we meet up, friend talks exclusively about herself for the whole evening, going round and round on the same topic/problem. It does irritate me but not usually enough to end the friendship, as I don't have any drama happening in my life like she does, so I suppose it's sort of natural that we focus more on her.

Anyway, when we met up a few days ago I told her about my pregnancy as soon as we sat down for dinner (to make sure I got a word in!). She was happy for me and we chatted about it for a while, when suddenly she said, "Wow, so that's our conversation gone for the evening, no point trying to talk about anything else now!" half jokingly. I said of course not, but she continued to make similar comments throughout the evening. It was so weird. After we finished our meal, I said 'Right, what do you fancy doing now?' meaning, shall we go and have a drink in the bar area as we usually would, but she said she wanted to get going and abruptly ended the evening. I looked at my watch and it was only 9.30pm, about an hour earlier than we would normally call it a night.

I find this really strange. Every time we meet up I'm just a sounding board for her problems, yet the one time I actually have some news she seems to be angry that she has to talk about it?!

Does anyone else have a friend like this, and if so how do you deal with it?!

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 21/09/2015 10:13

You say she has a lot of drama going on in her life, and that therefore it's natural to focus more on her.

Don't you think that drama is self-generated? For example, if she were pregnant, instead of you, would you have chatted amiably about it for an hour, or would it have become The most Momentous News Forevermore?

It sounds like your friend is a self-absorbed drama-llama, that you have spotted it and are understandably tired of it. The solution is to see less of her, and when you do see her, to listen to her latest self-obsession only as much as you are comfortable doing, and then turn the conversation to other topics once you have had enough.

Original poster

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 21/09/2015 10:18

Thanks Rice. You're right, it would be absolutely momentous and we would be talking about nothing but that for 9 months!

Maybe I'm pathetic but I find it so hard to get her to change the subject once she's off on a tangent. Perhaps I'm going to have to be more blunt about it from now on.

OP posts:

MiddleAgedandConfused · 21/09/2015 11:36

I had a friend just the same. And gave up seeing her eventually as it was always the same - hours and hours of her talking about herself with absolutely no interest in me or my family.
I had a break for while and then met up with her again, but no change. So gave up for good.

cozietoesie · 21/09/2015 11:54

So she's not interested in you, really?

Cogratulations on the pregnancy by the way.

winkywinkola · 21/09/2015 12:56

She's a bore.

Your pregnancy news eclipsed any dull ramblings she had in store and she knew that.

I wouldn't worry about dropping her. I don't think she'll be making any arrangements with you anytime soon.

DarkRosaleen · 21/09/2015 13:09

I had a 'friend' like this. Every time we met up she launched into a monologue. If I started to talk, she would butt in, change subject or make a phone call.
It's all about her, you see. Just her.

brokenhearted55a · 21/09/2015 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 21/09/2015 15:07

Thanks all, for the congrats and for the straight talking! I agree with you all, I probably need to let the friendship run it's course, which is sad, but sort of not sad...

winky I think you hit the nail on the head - Now that there is a genuine reason to ask after me and my family, I doubt she'll be so desperate to meet up!

It's just so strange, as I would find it incredibly boring to talk about myself for an entire evening. I don't know how these narcissists do it!

OP posts:

Atenco · 22/09/2015 03:58

Uuf, I went through a stage where I seemed to attract people who monopolise the conversation. I suppose I'm a good listener, but I started to see myself as just one big ear.

And what I could never understand is when they told me about other people, how did they ever find out about the other person?

WhoAteMyToast · 22/09/2015 14:19

Been there - time to move on OP.

ForChina · 22/09/2015 19:50

Any chance that fertility could be an issue for her? That was my instant thought - all the drama is to cover what's missing in her life and your pregnancy announcement was like a punch in the stomach to her.

SlatternLikesToRest · 22/09/2015 22:57

I had a friend like this. For years I put up with the one way street nature of our conversations believing that if I needed her she would be there for me.

You can guess what happened.

I was shocked at the relief I felt at not being her friend anymore. I hadn't realised just how much of my head space she had taken up.

Move on. You will not regret it in the long run.

redexpat · 23/09/2015 10:39

recently I've been asking myself whether I have the energy to continue the friendship. If you are asking this, then the friendship is too one sided, and thus not a friendship.

cozietoesie · 23/09/2015 10:47

Can I ask - who does the work on the practicalities of the 'friendship' eg contacts and arranges meetings etc etc? Is it balanced between the pair of you?

Original poster

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 23/09/2015 16:01

ForChina I highly doubt it's infertility, particularly as she has form for this behaviour (other than ending the evening early) but I guess I can't rule out the possibility.

Cozie it's actually quite even, and she's always very keen to meet up. I feel like it's more because she's desperate to vent her latest problem, though, rather than because she wants to see me.

One of the other things that annoys me about her is that she doesn't drive. Which isn't a problem on its own, but in 10 years of friendship she has made her way to where I live only TWO times. The rest of the time I have to go to her, which is 30 minutes away. Anytime I try to push back on this she just says she doesn't have enough money to get trains or a taxi, so I feel guilty and end up driving over to hers.

When I saw her last, she asked if we could go to X town, which is 20 minutes again from her house! So I would have had to do:

30 mins to her house
20 minutes to X town
20 minutes back to her house
30 minutes home

I did put my foot down and said, can we just do something in the town where she lives otherwise I would be driving around all night . Ugh. I've had enough I think.

OP posts:

WhoAteMyToast · 24/09/2015 01:41

The thing is, this sort of behaviour is hurtful to the person on the receiving end of it. It basically says 'you don't matter, I'm the important one here'.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 24/09/2015 03:23

Yes, I've been on the receiving end of this type of 'friendship'. They're utter crap.. If I'm honest I've let some of these relationships go on for far too long. I think because I didn't want to believe what was staring me in the face!

Sometimes we have wake up calls - I guess for you, your friend's comments about not talking about 'anything else ' when you mentioned your pregnancy and bailing out early, incredible!

For me, it was the realisation because of the fundamental imbalance in our r/s my friend knew sod all about me... This came via a few comments she made about my family set up... Stuff other, proper, friends knew about me and would not get so badly wrong. In contrast, I knew all about, in detail, and was expected to remember, one of her work colleagues mother's new husband angina diagnosis... Needless to say I knew none of these people.

Mainly she was often, actually always, in monologue mode... She would occasionally say things like... Ive spoken all evening, are you ok? 5 minutes before I dropped her off.

Now, some years on, after I called a halt - I don't recall her ever asking a question about my life, my views or my well being. When my mum suddenly died her silence was deafening..in contrast to all my other lovely friends. She avoided me until 2/3 months later... On our our first meet up she instigated after my mums death - she did not call/write /come to funeral or more importantly, make any enquiries about my well-being. It was at this point it was as clear as day- I was just there as as someone for her to talk at....I was hurt but not surprised, around this time, a mutual friend, normally very discreet, outlined to me her disgust at this 'friends' behaviour, and how she had treated her similarly when her Dad was terminally ill.
When I called friend on her behaviour, esp re. My mum's death... She accused me of being 'self centred' and 'all about you'... The Lack of awareness was stunning!

autumnleaves123 · 24/09/2015 13:20

People who constantly talk about themselves and their lives without any consideration for others or other's lives are usually narcissists and, in my experience, have nothing to contribute to real friendship. Unless you become their sounding board, or faithful fan, or a combination of the two.

Therefore, these friendships should be managed carefully, or otherwise, you'll end up hurt and resenting these people.

Distance yourself slowly from her, OP. She's probably not that happy for you deep down anyway, though she has to pretend she is. Hence her weird behaviour at the end of the evening. Keep her at a distance, and be aware that many female friends who never had children themselves might not be that close anymore after the baby. Only very solid, strong friendships survive after motherhood.

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