How to get through this

[Holdingheaduphigh]

Please help me with your words of wisdom for those who have been through this ....
Currently divorcing a psychopath .... After 20 years and many affairs on his part he left 4 months ago and I finally found the courage to file for divorce .
Now as expected he is making my life an utter misery , refusing to accept any responsibility for his actions - apparently all this is my fault for starting divorce proceedings . He has all but abandoned our two children since our separation until now .... He has now reared his ugly head in our lives and has emerged back with his girlfriend in tow .... No ward of warning to me or the children .... Both in early teenage years so confusing time for them .
He has plunged the children headfirst into his relationship and due to his controlling personality and fear of upsetting him or rejection the children don't feel that they can be honest with him about how they really feel about the situation causing much distress to them and me . The kids like the girlfriend which is a relief but neither of them are ready to have it rubbed in their faces and I was certainly not ready to be shown pictures of them all together having happy days out
So please advise me on how to help the children deal with this .... Please don't tell me to tell him how they feel because for a start there is no talking to him as he refuses to accept that anyone is right other than him and also the children have begged me not to tell him how they really feel. And it will be seen by him ( and his family who have welcomed her with open arms ) as bitterness
Help please !!

What did you mean by 'and has emerged back with his girlfriend in tow' ? Has he moved in nearby after a period away or something?

Yes he was working near where she lives ( about 3 hrs away ) so barely bothered to come and see the children . His work there is finished so has come back here and moved in to a rental round the corner and had her staying all week

Anyone ?

Sorry, OP, the site's been down for a very long time, which explains the dearth of responses.

Yes, I do recognise this scenario, sadly, and I wish I had some answers. All I can say is that my DCs who are now older teenagers do seem to have the measure of their controlling father and don't really see that much of him. Just stay honest and be there for them.

Thank you for your reply . It's so so hard to watch him playing happy families with our children and acting like a Disney dad ...... not the first and won't be the last I am sure !

Personally I believe DCs pick up the vibes from an early age and will recognize a selfish parent messing them about so you shouldn't worry about him being seen as wonder Dad, they will know his flaws but not necessarily comment or complain about it.

I would use phrases like 'oh, well that's Dad's take on things' and leave it open for them to make up their own minds without being condemning or unpleasant. But try to ensure there is an opportunity for them to offoad if they want.

Thank you for your advice . It's just so hard for everyone but him ! Grrrr

One aspect that doesn't often get mentioned, but is relevent for older children, is that they may have experience of marriage breakdown/ changes in partners etc from their friends and school mates. I realised this when my early teenage Dc discussed these issues that their friends were going through. And their friends were a great support for them.
Your Dc's are old enough to notice how much better you are without the stresses that your ExH brought to your relationship. And they will 'see through' some of the Disney Dad complex.
What ScoobyDoo8 said is very sensible advice.

Disengage, disengage, disengage.

Part of this 'Disney Dad' is him trying to control part of your life, have influence over you again. He's also trying to control the children.

I think all you can do with the children is keep the door open at your end for them to speak about it. Also help empower them to say no if they don't want to see him. They are at an age where their views should be taken into consideration in terms of how often they see their father (whether he likes it or not). And you can do a certain amount to protect them.

As for being seen as bitter, I suspect no matter what you do he will paint himself as the victim and you as the villain of the piece. So stand up for them if you think they need it. I wouldn't break their confidence about how much the situation upsets them though. They need to be able to trust you and have a safe place to air their views if their father is going to disregard them.

Thank you both for your words . I think that another thing that is worrying me is that my kids are worried about me not being happy ... I try really hard not to be sad but they know me and they are not stupid ... But I can change this over night ... I need this time to heal and get over the pain he has inflicted on me but at the moment they just see sad mummy and happy daddy

Keep reassuring them you are OK Holding. And assure them your happiness is not their responsibility (and neither is their father's). They are allowed to be happy with their father. They are allowed to be happy with you too.

It will get easier

Looking back I can see I was a busy and dutiful mum but not really a happy one (my nature mainly) - though my DCs seem fine, but now realise that I had the protestant work ethic type of upbringing - having fun was self-indulgent. I was also worried about what people thought of me - didn't want to be seen as lazy or selfish.
So what I should have done was have me time and/or hobbies. Anything at all that I enjoyed, though that takes a bit of finding, instead I did OU courses and 'sensible' things, but really I should have made time for anything that gave me fulfillment. Then the DCs would have seen a happier me. I do lots now in retirement and find I am good at all sort of things i'd dismissed in the past, so I get fun AND a confidence boost too (and adult DCs are quite impressed and envious!).