Angry with men

[Notpretending]

I have been single for a few years after a nasty divorce. I have met several men and had a one year relationship during that time.

After my ex left I was sad but I thought I was 'fine' and enjoyed the odd flirtation and being single again.

As time goes on I am becoming very disillusioned about the way men have treated me. And when I read the experiences of some women on here at the hands of men I despair.

I have had four long term relationships in my life including one marriage. Each one ended badly eg stalkerish behaviour, cutting up all my clothes and a campaign of harassment to ruin me eg reports to police and social services.

Post-divorce these are some of my experiences:

• man 1, I met online, really liked him, something wasn't right, when I finished it after 8 months he told me he was married
• man 2, one year relationship,very controlling and possessive, I got the strength to finish it (with help from MN,) then suicide threats and physical and sexual threats against me, police involved
• man 3, married colleague of 20 years told me he had feelings for me, he wanted to 'try me out' to see if it was worth leaving his wife, texted me day and night, usually night when wife in bed, really harassed me when I wasn't interested, made work life difficult, apologised the other day for putting pressure on me for 3 years and said he was glad it hadn't affected our friendship (it has)
• man 4, 5, 6, met each four or five times, all got nasty when I finished it, one called me 'despicable' for messing him around, one said I was 'full of it' , one can't understand why I 'dumped' him and made insulting comments about me on Facebook.

Almost all my friends have had awful experiences too. Even those who are recently married are putting up with shit.

It's like being coupled up is all a sham. I just haven't got the stomach for it all any more. I used to love a wedding or happy news about a couple but I am so cynical. I find I don't even believe stories of love and happy partnerships. I don't trust anyone. The thought of touching a man or sharing a bed with someone makes me cringe.

I don't know what I'm asking for by posting this but I wonder does anyone else feel the same? Am I damaged and how do I recover?

I feel exactly as you do. Part of it is my own 'issues', but it's also got a lot to do with the way men I've met/ know have behaved.

I do know some decent men, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with any of them because they don't behave in a way that would suit me in a relationship. If that makes sense!

I cannot imagine ever being in a relationship again. I think most a lot of women are fooling themselves and that if we stopped feeding young girls the romantic fairytale of happily ever afters, the majority of women would choose to stay single.

Well if you feel damaged you are in some way in need of healing. I too once thought there were no decent men left in the world, but though I am single now I have met some very genuine and kindhearted men. It is worth.saying.some of them have also suffered in their love lives..So take it easy, it is not compulsory to be with a man, I personally have no need for a man at all.

I do have some decent men in my family. So then I question, how much of my experiences are down to me?

Well couldn't it just be bad luck?

I'm sure it won't make you feel much better, OP, but there are many, many sad, bitter, angry men out there who have had comparable experience of women throughout their lives. The reality is that people can be shits. No one sex has a monopoly on that.

Notpretending,

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of an example did your own parents show you?. This is all worth consideration now.

Who taught you not to trust anyone?.

Dysfunctional relationships are not the norm, they really are not.

You do not have to be in bad relationships because your friends are.

Its worth discussing all this with a counsellor because you now need to properly unlearn an awful lot of damaging stuff. Love your own self properly for a change.

Thanks for the responses. I had a good role model of relationships growing up. My parents are still together.

I think I should have put in my title, men are angry with me.

I have never fallen out with a woman in my life. I have just had disastrous romantic relationships.

Sorry I forgot I name changed there.

What do you mean when you say men are angry with you?

I've no issues and I feel similar!

My x (children's father) was awful but I had therapy and learned a lot, about what I tolerated etc... So, here I am, good to go, and I feel invisible because men are so delusional they're chasing women decade+ younger than them. I had a date for Friday, with a man who was very good company. Second date. I arranged a babysitter. He said ''it's not looking good for Friday, i'll let you know''.

ps, my parents are still together, but they raised me to be a people=pleaser. Like it was 'drama' in our household to have a need. Selfish to ask to have it met. I mean, we were fed and clothed and nobody was cruel to us but we were definitely raised to do what our parents wished, to meet their expectations, to be people pleasers. My brother survived the same training without ending up in an abusive relationship mind you But I met somebody when I was feeling vulnerable and that feeling, his slight disapproval, it felt familiar, and I spent 8 years trying to win his approval. But, my parents are together, and happy and my father is a good man!

OP

Read this and see if it strikes a chord

this is part one, read the other parts too

because it struck a chord with me when i first read it about four years ago. I realised that this was how I had behaved.

I do think there is a problem with a (large?) proportion of our males.

Males are overwhelmingly responsible for violence and crime. Not females.

I have had some bad experiences too with males and cannot even vaguely compare that to experiences I have had with women - violence and abuse etc.

However, there are some decent men. I think I am in a relationship with one now (2.5 years with nothing but decency) but anyway I won't put myself in a position where I cannot walk away or be in any way reliant on a man so this relationship is not 'traditional'.

I know men get offended by these discussions, but it is hard to ignore the facts about male behaviour.

It reminds me of a Louis CK sketch where he is talking about dating and says he is amazed that any woman ever goes on a date ever with a man seeing as men are the number 1 threat to a woman's health.

I think that when people suggest that your beliefs and behaviour are a factor in this kind of scenario it's very difficult to not see it as a negative judgement. But it's worth exploring your own beliefs to see if you do have some that are no longer helpful.

All I can say is that if you are single, 35+ and living outside a large city then you will be fishing in a very small and very strange pool - there's are good and bad reasons why people are single at 35+.

Develop a thick skin. Keep it cool and distant for a good 6 months. And keep you kids away for at least 1 year.

Dating a work colleague for the reasons you've provided was insane. What in fck sake were you thinking?

he is amazed that any woman ever goes on a date ever with a man seeing as men are the number 1 threat to a woman's health

he does have a point!

OP some of your experiences have been horrible you poor thing :(
Mine have been mixed, some good some bad some indifferent
I am very cynical about relationships...whether they are more cost than benefit to those involved ?

There are definitely elements in that link urbanefox that ring true. I am an independent person who doesn't like to bother people.

I'm not sure how that fits with my relationships which have all ended badly. I have not managed to end things on amicable terms. No one likes rejection but even in the short term relationships, the men are angry and threatening.

hereandthere you have misunderstood, I didn't date a married colleague but he harassed me for three years and we are still in the same friendship circle so it is awkward. He acts like we are friends but I dont want to be anywhere near him.

OK, I did then. Get him sacked or change jobs. Thats off the scale weird/creepy.