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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am i an idiot????

13 replies

sallyx · 29/11/2006 22:57

i will apologise in advance because this will be a long one!!

I am so confused about my relationship that i am just sending myself crazy trying to work it all out. I met my DP at uni (4 years ago) and we did kind of rush into everything very quickly, and although everything wasnt perfect i loved him so much, he told me he loved me, and i thought we were happy, then last november he said we needed a break and i had to move out. i had to move back with my parents the other side of the country, lost my friends, my flat, my job(although i transfered my job it wasnt the same) and basically i took it very ver very badly. i was completely heart broken and could barely function (not like the usual me AT ALL) I was perscibed anti deressants (although never took any), but still EVERY single day we talked, he said he stilled loved me but needed space, time blah blah blah. I turned more and more into a COMPLETE mess, so much so that i dont even recognise myself how i was back then. Gradually however i got over him, i didnt need him anymore and i had made plenty of new admirers!! Then it turned tables that it was him calling me, and me saying i was to busy to talk, and i even started to see someone else. Well that flipped it, the next weekend he travelled across the country to say he wanted me back. that was back in july.

Now things are going ok, but i cant get him to tell me ANYTHING about how he feels, all he can say is that he loves me, but cant say if we have a future, or if he thinks we should be together. I am so confused, and i know i am going to turn back into the crazy needy, clingy women that i was what drove him away in the first place, but the less he tells me, the more i want to know. We dont see each other very often at the moment, because i am a live in Nanny and live about 6 hours away, so we only see each other about once a month.

Help. i need some straight talking sense. Do i just wait for him, or get over him again.

OP posts:
Sobernow · 29/11/2006 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carmenere · 29/11/2006 23:04

Not an idiot but don't wait for him.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 29/11/2006 23:04

You are young. I dont think either of you seem ready for long term commmittment. You need to chill out and have some fun - both of you.

Fattymumma · 29/11/2006 23:06

dump him and go get that fab life you had once you were over him.

He is enjoying the fact that you rely on him and that your all needy, as soon as he saw you didn't want him anymore he came running back.

To him its not about love its control, the same a 5yo with a toy...he may not want to play with it but he doesn't want anyone else to have it either.

Moomin · 29/11/2006 23:07

Is this the kind of relationship you see yourself or want yourself in 10 years time? RElationships such as this are energy-zappers; you will end up driving yourself mad trying to read into everything he says and everything he does, looking for the signs that you think will soemhow tell you want you need to know.

We all want to be loved and needed and him saying this and making his one grand gesture got you back togther again. But read you op again and think what you would say to the poster if you were just a reader. I think you know the answer and you owe it to yourself to get on with your life, get your confidence and sanity back and in the future meet someone who will show you what love really is.

sallyx · 29/11/2006 23:15

Yes i do know all this, just needed to be told it! i know exactly what i would say if i saw this post from another person, it would be something like 'get over it!!!' but i just seem to get so sucked in i cant see the wood for trees IYKWIM! I think that he thinks he loves me, but he isnt prepared to make any effort, and deep down, i'm not sure he really knows what love is! how depressing i have been with someone for 4 years and he doesnt actually love me!

Fattymumma, totally agree with '5yr old and toy' description!!!

OP posts:
lou33 · 29/11/2006 23:27

it's because he sees you going on and having a life without him that he wants you back, he has lost control, dont fall for it

if he is genuine in wanting you back, make him work for it

itsrainingagain · 30/11/2006 10:15

SallyX listen to Moomin she is right. Thank you Moomin you sorted out a situation for me too by your words. SallyX I have been stupid enough to wait around for explanations and how someone feels about me and this morning I am angry and annoyed with that person and have decided (even though I made the decision days ago but didn't stick to it) that enough is enough and why should I let someone play around with my emotions. I laid things out very clearly and he hasn't had the guts to answer the questions I asked so I have put him into my history box. There is more to life! Live it - Love it

honneybunny · 30/11/2006 10:58

please don't wait for him! he sounds like bad news to me: as you said yourself "get over it!"
i was in a 'relationship' like this before, and let myself be sucked in time and time again... it's not good, people like him are like leeches, they drain your energy and leave you feeling unworthy and unloved. like lou33 and other posters have said before: he's a control freak, who's nwo out of control and doesn't like it!
in my case, my ex also started calling me when i was over him and building up my life again, saying like your guy that he thought we should be togehter bla-bla. he even threatened to jump of the balcony of his flat if i didn't come back. i almost did, but fortunately my parents sent me off to uk, where i v.soon met dh and now i am happy, married and have two darling ds-s.
i am sure there is someone out there for you too, who will love you for who you are.

ginnedupmummy · 30/11/2006 12:09

Message withdrawn

madamez · 30/11/2006 14:32

Endorsing what the rest are saying: you don't need this whiny loser in your life. Romanitc love is always made such a fuss about when it's actually very unimportant, and you'll be much happier if you treat it as an occaisional indulgence. Life is for living, not for fretting about "Our Relationship".

sallyx · 01/12/2006 21:10

Thanks for everyones advice. i had a good talk with him and even showed him this post to show that i wasnt being unreasonable. he was very pissed off at first for being jugded by a group of 'pretentious trisha watching stay at home mums' but i told him that actually that morning i had watched trisha and that you guys have actually helped and given me advice. he finally calmed down and said he realised that as he wouldnt talk to me i had to talk to someone. he said he is going to try harder, and i am going to wait just that little bit longer. I am just so glad to have gotten a response from him, even if it a slightly angry response at first. just grateful to get something other than 'i dont know how feel'. I realise things arent perfect but i'll give it a go. last chance saloon though!

OP posts:
sallyx · 01/12/2006 21:11

BTW 'pretentious trisha watching stay at home mums' is totally NOT my view.

OP posts:
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