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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What's wrong with me? Why do l attract these men?

20 replies

Sameoldsameold66 · 20/09/2015 16:47

Have posted on here before under previous name and got some great advice and support.
A year ago l discovered my partner of 3 years was cheating on me with multiple women and had an online dating profile. Cue complete devastation as l discovered all the sordid details and that nearly all of our friends knew but didn't have the balls to tell me.
Anyway after getting rid l did all the "right things" spent some time letting my broken heart heal, spent time with supportive friends, learned to enjoy my own company and be happy with myself before seeking another relationship.

After going on a few unsuccessful dates at the beginning of summer l met someone online, although we had a mutual friend. Things were going great, he was caring, attentive and seemed like a general all round nice guy. After 2 months we had the "chat" and agreed to be exclusive.
I am very wary of trusting anyone again, l so wish I didn't feel this way but l can't help it I am trying so hard not to project my feelings from my past relationship onto this new one.

Anyway a couple of things have happened that l just can't decide if they are suspicious or if l am just un-trusting due to the past. I have deleted my online dating profile but his is still there although he only appears to log in every few weeks. He went abroad last week on a stag do to a holiday resort and when he came back he added a woman on Instagram who seemed to have been in the same resort at the same time, l checked out her page and she had added a selfie of the 2 of them take in a club and captioned it with his name saying "I can't believe you asked me to delete the photo."

Then the main thing that has me worried, last night he went out with his friends and l went out with mine. We had agreed in advance that if I was still out the end of the night we would meet up and stay at his. He turned his phone off around 2 hours before the end of the night and l couldn't contact him. He didn't get in touch until this afternoon and claimed that he had been very drunk and ran out of battery, he didn't apologise though. This is the main thing that has my suspicions raised, my ex used to do this frequently and it turned out this was because he was off with other women.

Am I just being paranoid because of the past or does this seem suspicious? I am so confused, all l want is to be in a happy relationship again, l just don't understand why l am never enough for anyone

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/09/2015 16:50

I would end it. Regardless of what he was doing he didn't apologise and you are worth more than that.

bjrce · 20/09/2015 16:54

Oh God, he doesn't sound like a keeper, your gut instinct is there for a reason, don't doubt yourself, the Photo ( and her comment), plus turning off his phone when you had specially agreed to get in contact later, would be enough for me, don't torture yourself, he doesn't even sound apologetic, get rid. I am sorry.

Supermanspants · 20/09/2015 16:55

Are you sure he turned his phone off?
That said, I can see why you are feeling concerned.
Online dating is a minefield and yes, there are a percentage of dickheads. That said, i don't think this is about you as a person attracting arses. I dated a significant number of twats. Some were just beyond the pale. But I also dated an absolute bloody gem and we have been together 8 years and married for 5 1/2 years.

If your instinct says something is wrong then listen. You don't want to be with someone who pulls shit like this as you will get no peace.

XiCi · 20/09/2015 17:11

The photo and her comment says it all really. There's nothing ambiguous about that. At all. The second I'd have seen that he'd have been history.
Get rid. While you are wasting time with this idiot you won't meet anyone new, someone who deserves you. It's a good thing that you are now developing a 'twat radar ', don't be too downhearted, there are good men out there, you will find one. Maybe while you are still a bit vulnerable though online dating isn't the best thing, it seems to attract a massive amount of arseholes

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 20/09/2015 17:21

Yeah, I would end it too. Sorry.

It's not that you keep attracting this sort of man. We all do because there are so many of them

Your mistake now would be to ignore your gut instinct, blame your experience on making you paranoid and just try to ignore it.

I don't believe in trying to control someone or what they do/ who they're friends with, but you need to be able to trust them and people have to eqrn that trust. He isn't earning yours.

I can well believe he asked her to delete that photo. I bet he's panicking a bit now it's been made public and you can see it!

pocketsaviour · 20/09/2015 17:28

He probably banged the holiday woman, sorry.

You're probably not doing anything to attract these fellas, it's just that you've hit two in a row. Most men cheat IME so, you know, it's gonna happen.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 17:38

There is nothing wrong with you. Your hackles have risen because of the behaviour of this guy which you know to be dodgy. The only thing you could do "wrong" here is to ignore the red flag.

Bin and move on.

Original poster

Sameoldsameold66 · 20/09/2015 18:16

Thanks for all the replies. I did ask a friend and she thought l was being paranoid due to the past and that he should be allowed to have female friends and be photographed with them. I'm glad that everyone agrees l should go with my instinct. I am going to ask him about the photograph and see what he says.

I'm just terrified that l will never be able to trust anyone ever again

OP posts:

bjrce · 20/09/2015 18:31

What do you expect him to say" just a friend we met on holidays " do you really expect he'll tell you the truth?

XiCi · 20/09/2015 18:36

I think your friends advice was awful. Hooking up with some girl in a bar while on holiday is not the same thing at all as having a female friend. And of course he'll deny everything

XiCi · 20/09/2015 18:37

You'll trust someone again when you meet someone who isn't a wanker giving you clear reasons not to trust him

AnyFucker · 20/09/2015 18:43

Your mate is nuts. Meeting a "new female friend" on a lad's trip, huh?

She may be a bit naive, but you and the rest of MN know better

AndDeepBreath · 20/09/2015 18:45

Sorry you're having a such a lousy time OP, that photo and comment do sound quite telling and it must be so hurtful ... However I can't help adding to one of the posters that it's really not on to say "most men cheat". That's a really huge generalisation and seems like the sort of thing which makes people accuse Mumsnet of being sexist/man-hating. am probably going to get slated by everyone who's ever been cheated on and it's definitely not the point of the thread but still

XiCi · 20/09/2015 18:52

I agree Anddeepbreath took me aback a bit when I read that. Untrue and completely unhelpful to the OP in this situation

Reese123 · 20/09/2015 18:53

It's never your fault, you will be more than enough when the right guy comes along. I have been in your position where I seem to attract arseholes - there's just so many of them out there who pretend to be something they are most definitely not.

You are wonderful and deserve someone better than this ass, to many red flags - get rid and move on in time

Good luck and big hugs

Original poster

Sameoldsameold66 · 20/09/2015 22:19

Thank you. I really don't want to think that most men are cheats, doesn't give me much hope at the moment!

I texted him and said that l was really annoyed about last night and l felt like he was treating me like a mug. He turned it round and said it was all because l don't trust him and l haven't been clear about my feelings for him. I almost fell for it then realised he was probably manipulating me, my ex pulled this trick all the time - every time he acted like an idiot and l questioned it suddenly l didn't trust him.

Feeling pretty gutted at the moment, not at him per se just my inability to have a decent relationship whilst I'm surrounded by friends in fantastic ones with men who worship them. Nobody has ever worshipped me and it's highly unlikely anyone ever will

OP posts:

bjrce · 20/09/2015 22:23

You are absolutely right, he is trying to manipulate you, tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck,
He went directly into attack mode, very obvious sign of someone in the wrong trying to deflect from his wrongdoing.

Skiptonlass · 21/09/2015 07:54

Think of it this way: your twat radar is working at high efficiency. That's a good thing, right?

The old cliche about working your way through the frog population is there for a reason, but I think it's really positive that a.) you listened to your gut and were able to pick up the dodgy signal and b.) had the self respect to end it and not be strung along.

Both those things bode very well for the future. There are decent men out there, and with your twat radar on full beam you'll be less likely to be distracted by the idiots. You don't need to be worshipped, you need an equal!

And don't compare yourself to your friends - what looks perfect on the surface often isn't.

category12 · 21/09/2015 08:13

Your friend is very odd. I wonder what she's putting up with, that his behaviour seems acceptable.

Jux · 21/09/2015 08:30

You are right not to trust this one. That doesn't in any way mean that you will never have a decent relationship, or that all men are untrustworthy bastards. You will meet a decent man. Well done on recognising that this one isn't.

Nobody actually worships another person. I doubt very much that all your friends have fantastic perfect relationships; it's the view from outside, no more realistic than the greener grass on the other side of the bridge which tempted the billy goats to their doom.

Don't despair. The man who will cherish you and be your best friend is waiting for you somewhere. Don't put up with a bad copy.

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