Is it me? Money......

[JustForTheMoment]

Sorry this is a lonnnng one.... So much is coming back to me on writing. It not necessarily structured well but I need to put it all down while I feel somewhat angry...

My partner and I have been together for around 10 years. We had children young and struggled financially in the early days. This meant I could not work (although prior to that I was the higher earner, actually a rather well paid 22 year old) and on getting pregnant I had to claim a range of benefits and we struggled, but because of my money management managed.

We used to live off of £30 a week for food but my DD was a baby at the time so I breastfed which helped. My partner was and still is terrible with money. After spending most of my pregnancy scrimping and saving, he announced that he was travelling with his family and would use a credit card to finance the holiday. He comes from a family who struggle terribly financially because of poor money management and other than the fact I was not invited, over 7 years later this still is a sticking point for me. I had spent months (and what continued to be years) sacrificing so he could pay off his debts (he was 23 at the time, working and living at home so he really should not have had any) and that sacrifice felt and still feels like a waste.

I received a small inheritance from my mother and I used it to buy baby equipment and start as savings account for my DD.

He would have expensive gym memberships, would buy expensive gym equipment and shakes, constantly spent and still spends money on food, DVD's, CD's basically any old tat. So much so that a lot of this would be hid from me. I am not perfect and I have been known to spend too much money in Ikea, H& M and Primark but I would have budgeted for this and I don't spend and ask questions later (note all low cost shops). He would spend on one jacket what I would spend on mine and my DD's clothes for the quarter.

Now financially, we have had what some might call amazing luck. We both continued to study whilst I was pregnant, my studies took a lot longer because of this, while he basically messed around. There were so many lectures I missed because of childcare whilst he basically had me to do that part (which is another privilege based annoyance for me) and even after anything I graduated with a higher grade which I shouldn't have but anyway to the point, we have done well.

He was on a very low wage in the early days, think 13k ish and I encouraged him to do an unpaid internship to break the skills gap he had and open up a new world of work. That has paid immensely and he now owns the company he started too work for.

This means we have bought a house and do not struggle financially at all. BUT, we have debts (renovation based which for now I don't regret as we also have equity to the tune of 70k over 70% more than our debts) and our savings do not reflect anything close to our income.

He does not believe in regular saving, and thinks saving in big batches is much the same. He feels my insistence to save regularly is controlling (although over 8 years has not resulted in more than a measly £80 per month for my DD) but I think his big batch approach is quite honestly bullshit. Especially since he is willing to dip into it at any moment for a holiday, or car or whatever. Outside of the fact that this is clearly financially irresponsible which I feel is clear when I write this but not when I speak to him as he has me believe I am paranoid, it again highlights to me that my sacrifices have not only not been worth it but not been appreciated or even recognised.

There is nothing wrong with 'living' but I feel we will be those people that have had wealth and do have wealth but never been wealthy as all of our money has been spent on shit!

And by shit I mean takeaways, Tesco express rather than Tesco stores, ice cream, seriously any old shit!

He takes care of ALL of our household bills, pays himself £4k per month and me £650. He contributes around 2.5k of that to household bills which includes £200 for a household 'kitty' but refuses to save unless we are saving for something i.e. a car, or holiday, or house or whatever.

Another bug bearer of mine is my mum who was a single mum without a pot to literally piss in saved 30k to put towards our house deposit and I feel he does not acknowledge that and his frivolous approach to money also shits on that sacrifice once again. I feel bad for even putting her money in this situation but I feel like I'm honestly waking up to the reality of this....

Am I being paranoid? This is a deal breaker for me and I honestly feel like my only solution is to collect all of the income and re-distribute it fairly and responsibly i.e. more regular savings. Is that controlling?

Please help I feel like I'm going mad. I may show this thread to my OH so please respond with that in mind. I want him to 'see' not use anger as an excuse to not.

I meant to add that whilst I encouraged him to effectively work for nothing, was sitting at home living off next to nothing in order to better him and I don't think in all these years later his attitude to money shows he doesn't respect, appreciate or even understand how difficult and selfless that was.

Please anyone?

You're not paranoid. You've grown up and taken responsability, you're thinking about your DD and the future.
I don't think you're asking for anything out of the ordinary.
I would start with pensions, for the 3 of you, DD included. Take a SIPP each.
Then save 12% of total income each month, to be paid to you/accessible as a 13th salary. This is the holiday/service/boiler fund.
Another 10% of your total income into a regular saver, for rainy days.
Open yourself a secret account and squirrel money away.

Sounds like you don't really like him - why are you with him when you resent him do much?

You have fundementally different attitudes to money. You're a saver, he's more of an instant gratification spender.

You're holding on to a lot of resentment from those early days, that's quite clear.

Do you work? Have you tried laying out a spreadsheet listing all of your income, outgoings and seeing what's left over? 2.5k per month on household bills seems an awful lot to me.

On the face of it, a unilateral decision by you to collect all of the income and distribute it 'fairly and responsibly' (as you see it), does sound controlling, yes, sorry.

Hi,
"He pays himself £4k per month and me £650."

I don't have a partner and have never lived with one, nor am I a parent. But my attitude to money is somewhat similar to yours. I grew up poor, managed to get by and teach myself to be a saver. I'm still mot rich, but am careful while enjoying my life. I could not live with someone who had a feckless attitude like your partner's (are you married?), my blood pressure would be through the roof. So it would be a dealbreaker for me too, I don't think you're being controlling or dramatic. Had he never heard of fixing the roof while the sun is shining, saving for a rainy day, any of those trite but true sayings?

There is no reason you can't save if the two people in a partnership are earning £4650 a month, and it should be considered joint if you are in a partnership and have a family, not him earning 6 times what you do anf he can do what he pleases while you struggle and ger reasonably anxious. You hardly seem like a miser.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid. But it sounds like you sacrificed a lot and he sacrificed nothing. I don't think you are going mad.

"On the face of it, a unilateral decision by you to collect all of the income and distribute it 'fairly and responsibly' (as you see it), does sound controlling, yes, sorry."

Hm I can agree with that to an extent, but he's at the other extreme, he's distributing it completely unfairly and spending it completely irresponsibly! They are either grossly incompatible or need to find a balance

I'd show him this thread or write him down something similar so he can see plainly the sacrifices you've made. I think taking hold of the finances seems like a good idea.

My ex never understood that my staying at home when the kids were tiny was not me draining off his wages, but was in fact me allowing him to do what he liked workwise, so that he ended up with a better wage.

You say he's your partner; are you married with the house in both your names?

I know what you mean when you say you don't want to be controlling, but on the other hand it would be stupid to let him lose your future financial security, wouldn't it? You would be a mug to let him decide that you will not have any money if there's a separation, unemployment, ill health or just in old age. He can choose that for himself, but not for you or your daughter. That would be controlling.

Can you negotiate a deal where you and your daughter get a certain amount of money which you can save or spend as you like, and he can choose to spend or save his share?

You chose to give him your mum's money, so you can't really complain about that now, frustrating as it may be. But it is hurtful if he has never at least said thanks! Your partner has obviously also worked hard to pay for the house; perhaps if you mention your appreciation of that and then bring up your mum's money he might respond in turn?

Is the house on both your names including the deeds?
I ask because you aren't married

Thank you all for your replies. Yes I think I will show him this thread.

Resentment is clear but I'm unsure if that's something I can get over if the circumstances which led to it all those years ago still exist today. Is that wrong or abnormal?

I currently question a lot of what I feel and think. Some days I feel like I am mad and or dramatic and then others I feel like I can see 100% clearly.

At lot of this feeds into me not feeling supported as a 'partner'. Yes I do with him to being a father and being here whilst doing his 30% around the house (60% in his eyes I'm sure) but sometimes I feel a lack of emotional support. I feel that little things which would make me happy such as the sense of security that saving brings, and the loss of anxiety I would have does not register as something he would 'want' to do for me. I feel like all of his 'support' is in ways that he's see's fit or in ways he feels he should support me and my thoughts and wants don't fit into that at all. Maybe controlling is the wrong word but lack of choice on my part years later makes me honestly feel like it is contriving.

Any mention of this always have to be a fight and years later nothing has really changed other than we have more money to 'buy'.

Of all the relationships (or good examples of them) I see personally where someone has a weakness, the person who does not takes on the role. Whether it be cooking, washing clothes, driving, money management etc. This was my thinking in terms of being responsible of the money in order to save, not spend it. I know quite a few instances where this happens and similarly MOST relationships I know, people at least have the same access to disposable income therefore allowing me to save and him to spend if needs be... Is that wrong as at the end of the day it is his money? I seriously don't know. Shall I be grateful that he gives me something when he really doesn't have to? On the other hand I think he is so bad that we have no chance of any security if a rainy day happens.. He spent around £100 on a FiloFax batteries and a calculator the other day! He enjoys spending beyond the norm and doesn't see it one bit.

I do know that unless I save money at the start of the month it will get spent. Firstly he doesn't want to save and secondly his whole approach is well I do save whats left but after 10 years the only times when that has ever been true is when he took a huge dividend out to put towards our house deposit. All the other opportunities to save over the other 82 months don't seem to register.

Our outgoings are high but our mortgage and loan repayments are 1.6k of the 2.5k. The other are bills, food and travel. We are in London.

We have a spreadsheet which he has always been really resistant to contributing to so I plug my bits in and he basically ignores it or leaves me to do a guessing game. It serves little purpose than for me to show him how much our bills come to which in turn is quite insulting.

The house is in both of our names which although is great on the surface, if things go tit's up, it gives me equal liability and it will be my pointless savings which will come to the rescue (again). Saving for a rainy say seems more important because we are also self employed. I make little to no income for the moment (he has funded by start-up with 1.2k). I was working with him but have recently left to start something alone. Again, my very worthwhile contributions in the work environment were seen as not valid until I left!

I'm feeling like the same is being repeated in our personal lives.

Apologies for typo's. On phone (with a lot to say clearly!)

What's the crux of the issue here? You want to build up some savings and DP doesn't?

So he pays himself £4000 a month, £1500 of that is spare money which he spends as he pleases on fripperies? And you get £650 a month? What do you cover out of that money? Do you get to spend it as you please? And your savings for your daughter come out of that?

If the household income is £4650 a month and all bilks and a household kitty is covered by just over half of that, I don't think you should sweat the odd ice cream or trip to Tesco Express. But it sounds like it goes far beyond that to me.

No £650 is all mine except half of DD's savings come out of that.

Actually his disposable income is £1100 pcm rather than 1.5k (sorry just did some maths) but he has access to more.

He only has £450 more than me but is that only? Especially as he puts in and doesn't have to give me anything? On the other hand I think if I can live off of £650 then is that not £450 that 'we' could be saving?

Then I think all of this is soooo much money and that we are really fortunate and that we could both live off of less per month and still be very very comfortable rather than wasteful. I do save but actually I think I will, as of next month start saving more.

As above yes it is more than the odd trip to Tesco express rather, takeaway in some extravagant form multiple times a week, at breakfast, lunch or dinner! For all of us I might add but my point is if we put it away at the beginning of the month it cant be spent.

It doesn't sound like you are much of a team. I would struggle to be partners and joint parents with such a fundamental difference of opinion on something as important as money. Sorry OP.

Yes maybe your right and I'm asking for help to get to the bottom of the obvious!

Especially if you were saving for a rainy day from ypur £650, while he spends £1100 on fun times (how?!? I'd run out of things to buy), but you'd be expected to do the bailout if something awful happened because you have the savings and he doesn't. That's very financially irresponsible.

What about pensions? Are you both contributing to them?

Sorry my penultimate post was a bit stating the obvious! Apologies

You seem to have vastly differing attitudes to money. I'm a spender DP is a saver.

Do you have access to his accounts? If I were you I'd work out how much I wanted to save per month, and then agree that with him and set up a DD.