Help! 12 year marriage seriously falling apart, what to do?

[Matchpoint2]

Thank you for reading.
Married for 12 years, 1 son, I work from home and am currently waiting scan for lump/possible cancer.

DH had a complicated childhood and he 'copes' with anything that he does'nt like or, want to do, by retreating in to himself.
This manifests itself in him ignoring me, or giving me the cold shoulder, being generally frosty, and him hiding away in the bedroom with a book for hours on end, literally.

I was very busy yesterday organising shopping, helping with homework, cooking lunch and working all at the same time. And I asked for a bit of help. I asked him to clear away his mess, said I was feeing stressed due to health concern, and that was it.
Silent, frosty cold treatment started and continued all day.
We had an evening invitation but he went out and didnt get back tii 7.30 and then made no effort to get ready.
All the while I am busy getting on with the day and putting on a brave face when really I want to do is cry and hide with worry about the scan on Monday.

Now its apparently all my fault, he did 'nothing wrong', can't see at all the consequences and effects on others around him of his silent treatment .

This isnt the first time, every blip we have is the same, He retreats in to himself when something hasn't gone his way, when I have asked for something he doesnt agree with.
Im getting very close to not coping, always being blamed, him never ever taking responsibility, and him saying,

"I've gone in to my cave to protect myself from you.I have done nothing wrong, it's all your fault"

Don't think I can take it anymore.
Any words of wisdom gratefully read.

That is a really horrible way for him to react. I really hope you don't have anything wrong with you but if you do, he is going to make life more difficult, isn't he? It's all about him, isn't it?

I went through something similar with my DH. In the end I decided to leave/separate etc. I couldn't keep going any longer as my self-esteem was completely destroyed by it.

A week after I informed him he had an epiphany and he now works very hard on overcoming his difficulties to make our marriage work.

What he appears to be doing is called "stonewalling". Look it up.

I really sympathise. I have lived with this for over 40 years. Nothing ever gets resolved, I never know what I've done wrong. If I could go back to when I was younger I would stand up for myself more. It is very difficult when you have young children; you want to protect them from everything. I never spoke to anyone about it, but I think you should. If you have anyone in RL that you trust lean on them. Your DH will do what he wants because he thinks he holds all the cards and you will not want to rock the boat.

I hope your scan gives you good news and you can put yourself and your children first and move on. You and they deserve better than this.

You've put up with this for 12 YEARS?!

There's no way I could put up with that sort of behaviour. It's emotionally abusive.

I'm so sorry about your cancer scare.

You cannot change him, only he can if he has a desire to do so.

You have a choice about how you react to his behaviour.

Firstly, get through the medical stuff.

Do you have a good friend or family member around who can help you through it?

You can wait until you know what is going on with your health before making the big decisions about your marriage. You might find that knowing about your health (either way) brings a moment of sharp clarity. Or you might need to make your decisions over a longer time.

Remember that you always have options, and can exercise them at any time that seems right.

I have a friend who does this when they're depressed. They retreat and just don't have the energy and can't face the world.
I also do it. I hate it, I feel guilty about it but it's a coping mechanism for me. If I feel I can't put in to words what I'm feeling or if DH has upset me I find it a lot easier to shut it out and come out when I feel stronger. He feels as you do, wondering what's going on, defensive, while having to look after everything else that needs doing.
It's unhealthy but it's how some people cope.
Of course he could just be doing it for purely selfish reasons in which case it is most definitely wrong.
You need to understand the cause of his behaviour before you know what to do/how to deal with it.

he 'copes' with anything that he does'nt like or, want to do, by retreating in to himself

And this is due to his 'complicated childhood'? Just imagine what would happen if we all behaved like this. Does he behave like this at work?

You're not his therapist, you're not his counsellor, and you don't need this petulant manchild draining your already overtaxed energies.

Tell him to shape up and get help for his obviously longstanding issues, or ship out so that you can enjoy your home without his icily toxic presence which is an appalling role model for your ds and indisputable grounds for divorce.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping you'll be back with a good news update.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
Very interesting reading and food for thought.

Still having frosty treatment, he feels sooo hard done to as I've told him I'm at my limit putting up with this treatment, as I have my scan tomorrow morning.
He really doesn't see the pain it causes me when he is silent, cold and distant. As far as he is concerned, I am at fault, he has done nothing wrong.

My over riding feeling is frustration. But at the moment I can only think about tomorrow and the scan.

Thank you all again

This is what happened to me, it got so hurtful that I detached hence deciding to end the marriage.

Now the slightest "offness" from dh and I'm in pieces but I tell him that is the case. I have no ability to tolerate it anymore and he has to live with the consequences.

I agree get the medical stuff sorted and then decide if you want to live in a non-supportive marriage for the rest of your life...

Thats absolutely it RandomMess, non supportive is spot on. Same silent treatment when DM died, same silent treatment when IVF failed.
Can't take any more. But it's all my fault.
Hope you ok

Yes I am. Fortunately my DH became this extreme due to his ill health but it wasn't until I decided to separate that he decided to start fighting IYSWIM. He's far from perfect but I can see that he tries and if he starts to slide (so is stressed about something and shuts me out) I pull him up on it and after a few days we can address it.

So yes it's better than it was but will always be work in progress! Your dh is choosing to react to things like that due to his own issues and he's choosing to not address them.

Personally I would issue the ultimatum as a marriage without support is not a marriage IMHO. It's the loneliness place in the world as people think you have the support of a dh when in fact you have nothing, zero, zilch. It's heart breaking. The nights I sobbed myself to sleep and he ignored it

Oh I've done that, the heart ache of crying and sobbing and him not responding.
He won't address any of this though because he thinks he is 100% right.

Sorry you have been there too.

TBH having re-read your op not as badly as you!

I'm sorry but you have to cut your losses, how dare he treat you like that, how dare he not try and help you.

I'm bl**dy fuming on your behalf. How is it okay to ignore the person you are supposed to love when they are telling you how worried/frightened they are??

What message is this sending your son how to treat other people? That was one of the reasons I was prepared to end it, I didn't my dds choosing a partner who didn't emotionally support them.

Yes facing your childhood demons is incredibly hard but I'm worth it!!! Well that's what I try and tell myself. I was busting a gut trying to deal with my issues whilst he just hid in his room and hid from his whilst I suffered because of it.

matchpoint22 just wanted to send hugs and positive thoughts for tomorrow.

Get your health sorted then make a plan, time to grab life by the balls its too short to spend running around after this manipulative man child, i notice how he's made his failures your fault and instead of supporting you in your hour of need he's doing his utmost to break your spirit.

Thats not what loving husbands do, detach detach detach get RL support and spend your energy on you.

I'm willing to place a bet that as you detach, his sulks and drama's will become more frequent and extreme in order to get your attention which is what he thrives on. My advice when this happens is to get on with your life even if it hurts carry on with your day don't let yourself be derailed and don't expend your precious energy trying to get to the bottom of it.

Google "The empathy trap" it may help

He was like this when your Mum died?? Bloody hell! New resolve...get through the next few days and then make a plan to rid yourself of this self centred twat once and for all. See a solicitor and start afresh away from his abuse. Your life would be so much easier away from him OP.

He is an absolutely horrible prick.

Only the worst kind of shitbag would ignore their spouse in the middle of a serious health scare.

I really hope you get good news.

You deserve so much better than this appalling treatment.

Very best of luck for tomorrow - clearly getting through whatever news you are getting needs to be a priority just now

eac person must be start with Respect an our marriage, cherish our spouse, and the wholeness of Marriage will be awake. www.bit.ly/1PGf4Lh

Thank you to everyone who answered my message.

Good news this evening, I had the all clear from a cancer scare, wow can't put in to words the relief.

Now to the problem of my marriage.... Husband kept up the frosty treatment all weekend, what a joy..NOT.

Good luck to anyone else in this situation.

The sign of a good marriage is how things are in the tough times. In your case, not only can you my rely on him but he actually makes things worse.

If he can't see that, there's no problem to him (except for you making a fuss about what you deserve). If there's no problem as far as he's concerned then things will never improve and you'll always have to sue press your feelings. That's no way to live

Oh, and most importantly....

I'm so glad your scare wasn't cancer

My dh used to do this he'd done it in his previous marriage and I just wouldn't take it. I tried apologising/treading on ice/ yelling eventually I called time on it said he either spoke to me or left (we live in my house) had a massive hugely embarrassing row (builders were in next room). It has got better he still slips esp if I am ill he deals very badly with guilt so if he's in the wrong he's a total arse but we are working on it and now nearly ten years on its rare and mild compared to the first couple of years. One thing that really helped was me giving him a timeline. E.g. first the ignoring was a couple of hours then a day then a weekend I said what's next a week? Three weeks? F### that. Also my reactions changed when it was two hours I was shocked and terrified one day I was raging two days I was seriously falling out of love a week and his bags would have been on the street. I could not live with this behaviour and it would have meant it was over so sooner was better than later for me. If you can't live with this let him know in no uncertain terms.

Thank you Joysmum