Is it odd my family never visit?

[sandy30]

I live the other end of the UK from my family, having moved here for uni a long time ago. I had my first child about a year ago. I have a long-term mental health conditions (depression and anxiety) and was hospitalised for them briefly but unexpectedly shortly after my child was born.

None of my family have visited at all since I gave birth. I know money is tight for them and that this could be the reason, so have offered to pay their travel and give spending money while here. They could stay with us. I have invited then several times but once I addressed the money issue, not being able to take time off work etc. were cited as reasons instead.

We have taken my baby to see my family twice. He hates the car and was a very snacky feeder for a long time (tongue tie), so we have got the train. Because my family are short of cash, we had to pay them petrol to drive us the 20 minute journey from the station (admittedly, cheaper than a cab, and better than waiting for an infrequent bus service, but I still felt a burden). We then also had to pay for a b&b because they all say they cannot put us up. (They have bigger houses than us with spare rooms but have pets in them, etc.) They saw us a bit while we visited, but for an hour here and there around their usual routine.

Possibly it is paranoia/being spoiled and the circumstances are just unfortunate, but do my family maybe just not want to see us very much? This breaks my heart because I loved visiting my nieces, and cannot imagine not being desperate to see my grandchildren. So is it me they don't want to see? Either way, it seems we're making all the effort and while I know being skint is terrible, I don't think this is the whole story. When he's bigger, how while I explain to my son why his grandparents and aunty hardly see him?

I'm partly answering so it appears on threads I'm on but my experience was once I left to go to university my dad completely lost interest.

I don't know whether he thought I was grown now or whether he's subscribed to the out of sight, out of mind theory - he was the same with his own family and I barely knew my paternal grandmother (my grandfather died before I was born) and dads sister. So you will probably find you don't need to really explain it unless you want to.

It feels like a rejection and it is - focus on your own family x

Thanks, Black Cloud. You're right - I do need to focus my attention at home.

Some people don't like change. What I mean by that is they are fearful of anything outside their own sphere of experience - visiting a place they don't know, visiting a person who they don't often see - all of this can seem a huge hill to climb for some.
Add to that your genuine offer of financial help and willingness to go the extra mile to see them and what you've ended up with is a massive disconnect. Your motives are honourable. Their motives feed off an unspoken agenda. It could be they're jealous, envious, annoyed with you perhaps? It could just be that they're socially very awkward. Equally, it could be that they're utterly self absorbed and incapable of empathy. There's a lot of that about these days as a general observation.
You can't change people. You can only change the way you react to them. My advice would be to expect nothing, continue to be the honourable one and just accept it is what it is as you find new friends to fill the gap left by these people.