How do you know when to call time on a relationship?

[purpleaura]

Forgive the rambly post, I don't really know where to begin. OH and I had a big bust up last night. The biggest ever. There have been months of shittiness where we fight most of the time. I've had cancer (just had my first all clear scan) and he hasn't been any support to me at all during that horrible time. I am seeing a brilliant counsellor and I'm starting to change a but, be more genuine and carry less anger around. We are also seeing a couples counsellor, who isn't great. I feel like I'm changing and we keep coming up against big obstacles relating to his past. I just keep feeling that it's all too much and its just been so fucking awful. But... We have a beautiful 2yo and I feel that I owe it to him to try my absolute hardest to make things work. But DS is growing up in a house with parents who argue and don't provide a very good example of a relationship. I just don't know what to do. I'm going out if my mind here. We agreed to spend the day apart and so I left the house at 8 this morning. I've had a swim and been out for breakfast. I don't know what to do.
Ive bedn a full time mum for 2 years. Before I had DS, I had given up my job and was kind of at a big career changing moment. So I don't have anything else in my life. I've always wanted to have lots of kids, but its not looking likely. I'm just heartbroken. It's not actually over quite yet, but should we just end it? I am so terrified. Can anybody help me?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships?.

You owe it instead to your son to show him what healthy relationships are like; he would far rather have his parents going forward apart and happier than to be together and miserable as they are now. You cannot carry what is a failing relationship here and you cannot make things work if he is not interested. Staying for your son out of some mad sounding obligation on your part to make it work for him is a terrible burden to place on a child. He won't say thanks mum to you for staying and instead could despise you because in his eyes you put this man before him.

Couples counselling only works better if both parties are equally on board so I would not attend any more joint sessions. Do keep seeing the counsellor on your own though as that seems to be really helping you.

Thanks Attila. I don't feel like I get anything out of our relationship. It just makes things harder. I will have a good think about what I want to teach DS about relationships. It's certainly not that you should just stay in a miserable partnership. That's a helpful perspective.
The thing is, no one has cheated,noone is abusive, noone wants out, we both desperately want to make it work, oh too. It's just that I'm a lot more inward looking and self-aware so i seek to change and move forward much more than he does. But it isn't working, and its been a bad 9 months or so. Really bad. I guess I thought that 2 people desperately wanting to make it work ought to mean that we could turn things around.

Is he really as committed to work on his own past issues going back to his past (did this with him all start in his own childhood?). That sort of stuff runs deep and he may not be wanting or even able to face any of that at all.

You can be both good and loving parents to your child even if you are both apart day to day. That is a good lesson to teach him. He does not deserve to see two parents who argue and not provide a good example of a relationship.

He has a lot of childhood related stuff, mostly to do with his mum's anger and emotional detachment. I'm not certain if he's committed to tackling it. It is v deep and v painful. I've basically learned that he "cares" for me because he doesn't want to upset me or make me angry rather than because he actually cares for me. It makes me feel sick. I do get angry sometimes, which just reinforces his issues. I'm not perfect and sometimes I will get angry, just like any human being (right?). But he can't cope with that. I can see he's hurting and these issues are so hard for him. But I can't take the emotional responsibility for him. I know that i can't make him deal with this stuff, and if hes not ready than that might mean the end for us i suppose.
Thank you for your replies Attila, I feel a lot less alone and upset.

Sorry op it sounds tough but your posts clearly show that it is over. It's been 9 months and if it hasn't improved or made any breakthroughs then that's telling you something.

I don't know how you judge when it's time to give up, but I think that if you think there might be a chance of a long term future here, you should give it a go - at least you'll know you've tried.

It sounds to me like he needs some decent individual therapy to deal with his past before he can realistically consider being in a relationship.

It sometimes takes a long time to realise you're that damaged though.

It might not be that he is unwilling to change, just thatthe type of counselling he is having isn't what he needs.

Could you have some time apart, some space to just think before you make a decision either way?

You've come through something awful, and I understand you must feel angry and resentful that he wasn't there for you. My husband was terrible after my young brother died, and it took me years to get over. Id never felt so lonely. After a lot of talking, I understood that it wasn't that he didn't care, he just didn't know what to do to make it better. He also has emotional baggage from the past that he had to see someone to work through. Some men like to 'fix' problems, and if they can't fix it, they don't know what to do. My DH is one of those men. Could it be the same for you?

I think the time call it a day is when how things are aren't acceptable and the likelihood is that both of you aren't committed to finding the solutions and acting on them.

One persons commitment to trying to improve things isn't enough.

If you are both fully committed to finding and dealing with the problems then I'd keep at it until such time as it's plain that even with the best will in the world, you both still can't do enough to make things right.

Thanks everyone. That's such excellent advice. I think we need to have another discussion about how committed we are and check if we're still in the same place. If we are, then maybe we'll try a different relationship counsellor. Perhaps relate? I've heard they're v good. He's not really readt\willing to have individual counselling.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss [Bifs]. I'm interested if your oh is better able to support you now? My oh certainly fivds ig hard if he can't fix it. But he also says he always knew it was going to be ok!! I find that so hard to hear because it makes me feel like an idiot because I was so scared of the cancer, and do very sad about it.

It sounds like he was in some serious denial maybe about your cancer?

Did he go to appointments with you?

I think he was Liney. He came to one appt with me. I know that I did take it all v hard, but I spent about 2 months thinking I wasn't going to see my son grow up, and I went through that completely alone. I've been so terribly lonely. Oh thinks I've been depressed. I think I've had cancer.

Tbh if his past is affecting his present to an extent that it affects your relationship this badly, I don't see how couples counseling will help that.

All that will do is highlight relations, not challenge and rework why there are those reactions. A bit like putting a sticky plaster in a broken leg and hoping it won't hurt if you don't walk on it. Not much good if you've got to walk on it and that leg needs resetting.

"We both desperately want it to work".

Yet he won't even take his arse to individual counselling.

Whatever the ins and outs of his childhood, whether you could ever get past the lack of support during your treatment, you cannot say and he cannot say that he is giving it is all. He's not giving it much at all if he won't go to counselling.

That would be my absolute start point and dealbreaker.

Counselling isn't a magic bullet - but if he want even try it, he's really not making any effort at all.

Good luck - I'm glad your scan news was good

The thing is, the older we get the more likely we are to encounter health scares and actual health problems.

If there's a lack of real caring reciprocity in a couple about this, it can end up being a lonely place for one partner.

I think you need to focus on this with him - if he doesn't get it now, I imagine he will be a complete let down further down the line, sadly.

It has been incredibly lonely. I think we have to try another couples counsellor as we don't rate the current one much. If that doesn't work then I think that will be it. I have to try everything. And in the meantime maybe we'll try a bit of separation to cool things a bit.
Thanks for the flowers Cabrinha :) I was so happy about the scan news. He seemed pretty unmoved so I asked him if he was happy about it. He said it was what he was expecting... :/ I can't get my head around our lack of connection on this one.
re. individual counselling. I wish I could make him go, but I can't. It has to be him that decides to go. I've told him that I think it would really help us to move forwards and still nothing. So who knows.
I have to say I've felt some strange sense of relief today at the thought of ending it. I guess that's very telling. I look around at coupled up friends and just realise that our relationship is nothing even remotely comparable. I can't remember the last time I looked forward to seeing him, or that I felt supported and that he enriched my life in some way.
God this is miserable.
Thanks so much for your comments. It has really helped me through the day to see some different perspectives on the situation.

That sounds tough. I think a bit of break, for some clearer thinking, can only help.