sister & nc........ (long)

[knaffedoff]

I have name changed to avoid outing myself but would to explain I have a really poor relationship with sister. She is 5 years older and really lovely to everyone else apart from me and one other (really lovely to friends and other family members). I have always put up with it her behaviour and selfishness but she is now judging my kids, letting them down and generally being unkind about them. My friends call her sugar coated shit, everyone gets the sugar I get the shit and everyone of my friends have encouraged me to give up on the relationship with her

I think we have now reached the end if the road and we are currently estranged, I find her to volatile and threatening and she shouts via email/text/facebook that I am passive aggressive. As children I recognise that I was a victim of her abuse, mostly physical and whilst she has not attacked me since her early twenties, I saw her temper flare and she had to fight very hard not to attack me 5years ago when she was 5hours late for a shopping trip and she didn't appreciate my tone when I asked "where are you" having been told 2hours early she was round the corner from my house! I am afraid of her :-(

Despite my best efforts to heal our latest rift, we are currently estranged and I have been blocked on fb and this situation is unlikely to change, I feel very sad as my children adore hers and vice versa. It is my belief she has told her daughter that it's all my fault, she has apologised to me but I refuse to accept the apology. This is not true, following our latest disagreement I was very upset and her actions really upset my children, despite this I didn't say anything but 8 weeks later, she started to fb abuse to me about how my passive aggressive behaviour makes her sick. We have met at formal counselling sessions, which I contributed to with my parents and the criticism has extended towards my children :-(

Other members of the family, to my knowledge, haven't seen the texts and frankly don't recognise the person I fear. However, I have confided in an elder and as with Chinese whispers, things have been twisted with repercussions as my sister has texted me alleging I have said things which simply are not true and I now feel very disappointed that confidences were not kept private.

I have a very small family and whilst I avoided the summer tradition of getting the kids together, it's Christmas coming up. Whilst I was due to host the family gathering this year, I have now declined to do so, as the last 4 times I have seen my sister she has completely ignored or been aggressive towards me (even when I did a family dinner in my home, she came, she ate and left without greeting and talking to me or my family) and things have gotten much worse since I hosted the dinner. In the past I have always apologised and done everything I could as the fallout causes much stress and my dad sits and cries at how his girls aren't talking and whilst my parents are no longer pressing me, they have started trying to persuade dh that we should be hosting Xmas celebrations. My biggest thing is I have never done it, I feel I will be judged and critiqued on it by my sister and cousin, who I believe is betraying confidences and if it goes pear shaped where could my children and I go if we need to escape?

So for those who are nc with family members how do you deal with Christmas, weddings, funerals. Does my estrangement with my sister extend towards nearly all my family who my sister lives close too and sees more frequently than me as I feel let down by the betrayal of confidences and it goes without saying that I won't be discussing matters of the heart with them.

Thank you for listening

"my parents have started trying to persuade dh that we should be hosting Xmas celebrations. My biggest thing is I have never done it, I feel I will be judged and critiqued on it by my sister and cousin.."

Make it clear that they are not invited.

But if I were you, I'd decline spending Christmas with your poisonous sister and her poisonous fanclub and just say you've decided to have Christmas with just you, your husband and your children.

Can you block her from your phone and Facebook?

My mum's sister is a very very mild version of yours and they are virtually no contact these days.my aunt tells people of all the terrible things my mum does (all lies) and all the fabulous things she does (all lies). If these things get relayed to my mum or me, we just matter of factly say it's not true and don't engage in the discussion further. It still rankles my mum when she hears the next nugget of craziness from my aunt, but she's more angry than upset, and eventually thinks "whatever, she's batshit". Much healthier for her.

At least your friends see her for what she is. Presumably your husband does too? Concentrate on having happy relationships with them and your lovely children and ditch the bitch. I know this is hard though. I am sure someone who knows the drill with toxic families will lost here to help you.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time

Don't feel guilty about Christmas. Do what you and your family want to do. If you want to invite your parents, then do, and be honest about why you are not inviting your sister. If your parents would find this difficult then see them another day.

I'm relatively new to this nc thing but my experience so far is that I don't get invited to things any more, or I don't go, as its just too difficult. It's a really sad situation to be in.

Thank you for the responses, my sister is batshit too - nicely put. It's really hard and horrible :-(

Your sister might be batshit, but the rest of your family has allowed her to act this way with you.

There is just NO way someone in the family could behave this way and others not notice. They have deliberately chosen to ignore the tell tale signs. Life is more peaceful for them if all of your sisters anger is directed at you. It gives her an outlet.

Look at your own children. If one of your children was scared of another one, do you honestly think you wouldn't notice? I think you would. So why didn't your parents notice?

Thanks cider, our parents were very aware (as was the family/school/neighbourhood) as I grew up. Unfortunately our dad was too quick to make a hasty exit at the first sign of trouble, our mum also gets the shitty end of the stick like me. The behaviours / patterns are deeply entrenched and I recognise my part as being a scapegoat. But I refuse to allow my children to be crapped on when things are stressful in her life! Whilst I am growing a pair, I wish my children were not hurting by the estrangement and if only she could be polite and civil, but that's unlikely!!!

I am nc with my sister.

I just told other family members I didn't enjoy seeing her, that was all, no explanations, no justifications, etc. i decline invitations when she will be there, I don't invite her anywhere, or contact her about anything.

if she were to contact me, or if I accidently bumped into her somewhere, I would be polite.

I just don't think about her normally, she is irrelevant to my life. I told my DC, they are fine about it, her DC are much smaller, and hit my DC all the time, who of course cannot retaliate, being 5-10 years older, so they were actually quite glad.

We don't make a big issue of it, I just pretend I don't have a sister.

Your children will eventually appreciate the situation and accept it was better to be away from their awful aunt.

We have a family friend who is a really lovely woman who helped us through tough times. Her brother was an absolute horrible bully who fell out massively with her husband, was really strict and angry and overstepping boundaries with her kids (his niece and nephew), and ended up keeping her very elderly father, who he lives with, away from his sister and her family and refuses to let them even speak each other. She is really sad about this, and the kids are sad that they can't speak to their granddad. But they are now young adults and they're not stupid, they realise their uncle is a mentalist and appreciate their mum was in a really difficult position. And the silver lining is they are now really mature and sensible young adults with a great relationship as siblings.

Families are hard work at the best of times with a mild clash of personalities, I feel for you

You don't need this woman in your kids' lives. They may be disappointed now but it is untenable to have her in your lives - period. As they get older, watching how she abuses you, she could turn your own kids against you. And probably will.

As you can see, I am (sadly) experienced in this. The poisonous sister is entirely out of my life. As well as the other poisonous sister (lucky me!). If I saw them, bumped into them I would be, and have been, perfunctorily civil - very brief - and moved on. Not nice not nasty. I don't pretend there isn't a problem, I am perfectly confident there is.
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Like you, my family is invested in glossing over the abuse. So funerals, weddings, Christmas I don't spend with the family. I go to the ceremonies but not to the reception/wake. I have been to the wake of an aunt but steered entirely clear of my sisters. I have discovered i am extremely good at pretending there is an empty space where they are - as far as I'm concerned they don't exist. I am not angry or upset but resolute. If I was angry or upset I wouldn't go.

I see our parents - not often - and if one of my sisters arrives I head for the door and leave. Sometimes perfunctory nod but usually not. I am not remotely ashamed or cowed about my stance: I only see my parents bcs they're old. I know they have been quite comfortable with not protecting me and forcing me to be the punchbag for the sake of family 'peace'. I don't owe them anything. After they die I will never see my family again.

I'm further down the line - about four years - and I have gradually carved this out. My mother has been hospitalised over this (stress) so the pressure has been on. However, I flatly refuse to go along with the family script: I have paid a very high price in the past and simply refuse to pay any more. They have to accept that. Or not. Their choice.
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Invite your parents for Christmas if you like, but not your sister. Up to your parents if they accept or not.
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Dump your sister for good.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I haven't given a huge amount of information and hadn't expected such insightful responses. I am expecting a huge flaming from the family for not playing the perfect hostess, will just have to toughen it out and the first Christmas will be the worst but it also may be completely fab :-)

Thank you x

Don't try to explain. It'll only hurt you massively - bcs they will refuse to see it. You have to make non-negotiable statements. Nothing else works.

Good luck! Get your armour on

If you really don't want to be around at Christmas book a holiday abroad for you and your family.

Can't afford to go abroad sadly, that would be the ideal !!!! Preparing hard hat x

I don't want to scare you but please be prepared for a backlash.

If you've always been the 'easier' child, you parents will expect you to be the one who makes the allowances and accommodates your sister. They'll minimise her behaviour, if they acknowledge it. People can find it incredibly challenging when someone else changes their behaviour.

Make your plans for Christmas and stick to them. (Other family? Cottage in the country?).

Good luck, and yes you are doing the right thing. Christmas should be a nice time.

Thank you imbroglio, it will be difficult as Christmas is the only time my whole family get together, but it's going to be overshadowed by her mood, as the easier child everyone just ignores what goes on and I am left to deal with her mood and aggression every time. You can't change how others treat you but I can change how I deal with it! Why we can't fall out, have differences that we disagree upon, like most people is beyond me, unfortunately when I have asked that we agree to disagree the reply is "I can't because I am right" and to agree with her is to damn my children as aggressive and badly behaved, when the reality is they are boys who pretend to be ninja turtles at times but they know right and wrong and are always encouraged to be kind and play nicely.

Defend your children.

Tell them why you aren't in contact with their Aunt in an age appropriate way. Make sure they see their friends plenty, they won't miss their cousin's much (of course if they were teenagers they could meet up privately if they wanted).

You don't have to invite anyone into your home that you don't want to.

Sometimes "awkward" people might be invited, but only if they can be trusted to "behave", a friend has done this at Christmas - and it has worked. But then her "awkward" relations have not been appeased by everyone, and know its obeying her rules or being alone.

With your parents be blunt - you will host them. You are not hosting anyone who is unpleasant to you or your children. It's their choice.

You don't have to do anything just because its tradition - you have your own family now and can make your own traditions.

She sounds just like my uncle.

Many years ago he lay in bed in Christmas morning, 5 children aged 3 - 12 were waiting. The rule was everyone had to be together to open presents. After 2 hours, we started without him. 2 hours later lunch was ready and he screamed down the stairs "Stop treating me like a child" and I (the 12 year old shouted back "Stop acting like one then". He came down and took a plate into the front room and ate alone, in front of the telly.

That is possibly the nicest tale. The worst was, his kids were taught life saving. They live by a canal. His son, aged 9, saved a kid from drowning, got a medal from the mayor - and a spanking from his dad! Apparently he shouldn't have been so stupid to put himself at risk!

I say this a lot, but you need some stock sentences to deflect people when they talk about her, or her when she starts on you.

Stop! I let you get away with it when you did that to me. I will not allow you to do this to my kids.

Dear god, will you ever stop? I have used this on a prattishly self obsessed colleague and got a round of applause

Have your own Christmas. If people ask try I just want to enjoy family without the hysteria

You have been far too 'British'. Take her at her word and show her just how Aggressive PA can be

Than you mummytime and ourblanche, I will definitely be referring to the stock answers