I want to save my marriage but don't know how

[LtheWife]

There are so many problems all tied up together that I don't really know where to start, so this may end up being a bit stream of consciousness I'm afraid. I hope some of you might be able to follow it and offer some advice.

We've been married 4 years, together for 11. For the last 10 and a half years I can count on one hand how often we've had sex each year. The problem started with an unplanned pregnancy a few months into the relationship. Initially I wanted to keep the baby, DH wanted me to have a termination. I went with the termination option, not because it's what he wanted, but because I wasn't in a position to be a single parent.

After the termination our sex life dried up, initially because DH was afraid I would become pregnant again. He was adamant he didn't ever want to be a father, at this point I didn't have a strong opinion either way and was happy with the idea of a future with him but without children.

I later found out he wanted the termination, not because he wasn't ready to have a family, but because his ex had become pregnant shortly after they met and had a miscarriage after a particularly violent sexual attack. He wasn't ready to be a father then, but was devastated, both by the attack and the miscarriage. Their relationship turned out to be pretty dysfunctional, with him staying in the unhappy relationship because of a sense of duty to help her heal. Me being pregnant just opened too many raw wounds for him. He said that in some strange, twisted way, he felt that continuing my pregnancy would be disrespectful to his ex and to the baby she lost.

Eventually he stopped being so fearful that I might end up pregnant again, but by this point I felt pretty shit that his past relationship was more important than our current one. We worked through that, the scars of his past started to heal, he decided that kids were something he could see happening in our future and we decided to get married.

But somewhere in amongst everything that happened my libido just disappeared. It wasn't a huge problem to start with. DH was (and still is) very understanding and didn't put any pressure on me. To start with he would try to initiate sex from time to time and occasionally I'd go along with it and was able to reach orgasm, but to me it still felt like I was doing it because I should rather than because I wanted to which wasn't fulfilling for either of us. Eventually I began to dread going to bed incase DH would try to initiate sex when I had no interest. We talked about it and DH agreed to stop initiating sex in the hope that without there being any pressure on me I might feel like initiating and that would lead to a more fulfilling experience and things would improve from there.

Except that's not what happened. My sex drive was, and still is, non existent. Completely gone to the point where I'm not even interested in masturbating. It's not that DH isn't able to satisfy me, or that I don't find him attractive, I just have zero interest in sex full stop.

The lack of sex is really starting to get to DH. It's got to the stage where he's said he wants us to sleep in separate rooms because he feels the rejection so much more sharply when we share a bed and that he finds it difficult not to try to initiate sex which would just make things worse. He's said that he feels we're more like best friends in a house share than in a relationship. And I can see my lack of interest in sex is really starting to affect his mental health too. He he feels unattractive, is slipping into depression and has a total lack of interest in the future.

From my point of view I still love him so so deeply and aside from my lack of sex drive I've been happy with our relationship. But things are just getting worse. Because DH is trying so hard to not to make things worse for me and because I can see the effect it's having on him I'm feeling more under pressure than ever. This problem is now squarely on my shoulders to fix. And I'm feeling more unattractive than ever because DH has withdrawn from showing any physical affection because it reminds him of what he can't have. Which makes enjoying sex with him much more difficult, because now, on the rare occasion he will try to initiate sex, I know it's not because he finds me attractive, or because he loves me, it's just because he's so fucking frustrated with not having sex that he just can't cope with not initiating it any more. And I just can't win. If I go along with it there's no emotional connection, I feel used and can't wait for it to be over. If I don't go along with it I feel fucking awful for not having a sex drive, not being able to fix it and like I've just put another nail in the coffin of our marriage.

Is there any way back from this? We both desperately want our marriage to work, but neither of us can see a way to fix it.

"After the termination our sex life dried up"

These two events are evidently not unconnected. If you resent your partner or lack respect for him it's very difficult to welcome intimacy with him. Being persuaded to have an abortion, and for reasons which appear to be connected to his prior relationship rather than the one he has/had with you, I think would engender a huge amount of resentment. It would with me anyway.

I don't think your libido has evaporated altogether forever, just that there's none for him.

Have either of you suggested trying to get some couples counselling?

I agree with ^ i think you need counselling and couples counselling too. It's unhealthy for both of you. Why did you marry if this problem has been happening for 10 years? Sounds awful for both of you and you both deserve happiness, just perhaps not together.

There was definitely some resentment there to start with. Initially towards DH, then towards his ex until I realised how fucking stupid it was. Any lingering resentment is towards the lowlife scum who attacked her, raped her and left her for dead. I think I've come to terms with the abortion now (it took a long time for that to happen though).

A bigger problem is that I'm now ready to start a family. DH would be happy to also, but we both want to make sure our marriage is up to it first (which it clearly isn't at the moment). Of course that just adds extra pressure to the situation.

I have suggested counselling previously, but DH doesn't feel he could talk openly with a stranger. I did wonder if it would be worth going alone though.

To be honest I'm just waiting for the day he says he wants a divorce. That's something I've suggested also. Not for my benefit, it's the last thing I want to happen, but for his. He wants to make it work just as much as I do though.

Why did we marry? Because despite the problems we were having we still loved each other and wanted a future together. Because we believed there was more to a meaningful relationship than sex. And because we hoped/thought that together we would be able to work through it and things would improve. Because we believed we were better together than apart. All reasons we're still together and still wanting to make it work.

The most important sexual organ lives between your ears and not between your legs - daft, but true.
Your 'head' (and I include mind, memory, emotions etc etc in that) is far more important to feel like wanting sex than what goes on between your legs.

IME it is very common for women to need non-sexual intimacy in order to want sex, whereas many men want sex to feel intimacy and closeness. Sorry for the gross generalisation but it is often true.

You would both benefit from counselling - separately and/or together. Also consider pscho-sexual counselling.

It is not good enough for him to say he 'might not open out in front of a stranger'; he has to consider where his priorities lie: having sex with his wife who wants to have sex with him, or keeping schtumm. IME how comfortable he feels about counselling is secondary.

Oh, and trust me on this one, having a baby puts a strain like you cannot even begin to imagine on the most stable and functional relationships. My advice would be to avoid pregnancy at all cost while you sort this out (unless you are prepared to go it alone now).

There's absolutely no risk of pregnancy at the moment. First of all, we'd actually have to have sex for that to happen. Secondly, I've recently been on highly teratogenic meds so have had to commit to using two forms of birth control. Going to the GP for contraception seemed so fucking ridiculous considering the situation but I couldn't start the meds without rock solid contraceptive cover.

In the early days I actually thought being on the pill might have contributed to the situation so stopped taking it. 7 years of no hormonal contraception made no difference at all.

And you're completely right Pacific. The problem is definitely between my ears rather than between my legs. I CAN still become physically aroused and reach orgasm, it's just not enjoyable to do so anymore.

I guess individual counselling is the only way forward at the moment. If nothing else it will go some way to showing DH that I really do want things to change and might make him feel slightly more positive about the situation. Who knows, he might even decide to come along eventually. Where would I go to find someone?

Your marriage doesn't have a future if you both don't engage with finding solutions and that first means him crawling out of his comfort zone.

What happened to his Ex was f*cking terrible and I can not imagine the horror they both went through but he does needs professional support in working through his past to stop it impacting on his present and future.

By all means, go for counselling for yourself.

But your marriage, a union between two people, cannot be repaired by you alone. I am sorry - it so often the case that the woman does all the emotional work, while the man waits for her to be 'fixed' or summat . It is not up to you alone to fix you as a couple. He must be just as motivated as you are for this to work.

You're both right. I think I've got so used to thinking that it's my problem, with DH trying so hard to accommodate my needs, that I see it as my responsibility to fix it. I might not be able to fix it alone, but I need to know for both my sake and DH's that I've done everything I can to improve things.

Eventually he stopped being so fearful ... We worked through that

So, did he get counselling then or were you just expected to suck it up, or worse, was it your job to counsel him?

Is his way of dealing with emotional problems to expect you to work out how to fix it? Do you just manage somehow normally? Do you take responsibility for fixing his emotional problems? Is he waiting for you to tell him what he has to do to make this right? Does he ask you what he has to do, like you should know?

How can your head ever be in the right place if he isn't even willing to go slightly out of his comfort zone by going to counselling? If I were you I would have significant simmering anger about that.

Sex problems are couple problems. If the dynamic is fucked that's a two person problem to fix.

Pardon me sticking me oar in on this thread but it sounds like its been a total train wreck your relationship. I feel very much for the both of you. His ex, a most god awful thing to happen not far removed from her being murdered. An abortion for you. Well a lot of people think that's no big deal but for medical reasons both my now ex wives one dead the other divorced had abortions and I felt very affected, even to this day I have three delightful daughters but still seem in mourning of the two children that were to be that now aren't. This was now some time ago but it doesn't quite go away.

You don't say how things are between you otherwise I suppose they must be OK apart from this disaster that's afflicted you. You it seems what to carry on and love your man which is great and the "mechanics" of the system still work good to. It would kill me if i wasn't having sex good loving sex that is, with the woman i was with, it must be awful for him as much as it is for you, poor souls the both of you.

What to do?, well you both need help and it appears him more than you and men are sods for opening up re their emotive problems especially one like this i would find that very hard to do and discuss with anyone i considered as a mate, and it would be good if there was another female around he could confide or discuss in but of course that might end up as him being diverted elsewhere.

He badly needs to see someone who is trained and professional. Have you tried relate?, their very good most all of the time. It didn't help our marriage that was impossible to fix (many reasons, all valid!) but that "third person" idea is excellent. In fact i carried on seeing the counsellor we were with as she sort of helped with a few other unresolved issues but if this is going to carry on like this it looks a very bleak time for the both of you and you neither in my book have done anything wrong, fate and circumstances have done this and if none of that had happened then I bet you'd be as happy as piggies in pooh:)

Can you see if there's someone else around who might tip him to to see someone?. A brother or sister his mum as i reckon its a bigger problem for him. You sex drive I reckon will come back on song as long as this is attended to its not at all surprising that's its been switched off.

If no one else will or can, tell him i said he's got to man up and bloody well go for his own sake let alone yours!.

Nuff said!.

No RunRabbit, he didn't get counselling then. Did he expect me to fix his emotional problems? No. Was it my job to counsel him? No. We talked about things and supported each other as a couple who have huge respect and affection for each other. He has gone out of his comfort zone for me more times than I can remember and been incredibly supportive of me and my emotional needs too. I hold no anger towards him at all.

He's not looking to me for the answer now either. There's no direct pressure from him for me to fix this at all. He has backed off, he has talked to me, with me and listened to me, he's searched for forums with others in similar situations both to seek support and to try and gain an insight into things from my perspective.

I'm worried about pushing him too far outside his comfort zone at the moment because as I said earlier his mental health is suffering right now. It's been a tough couple of years for him. His biggest fear for a long time has been turning into his dad (one of the reasons he thought he would never want kids). His dad was abusive to him throughout his childhood and was in a loveless marriage until he died last year (he spent the last year of his marriage without so much as talking to his wife. She didn't even attend his funeral). His death stirred up a lot of negative emotions. He was left to pick up the pieces because the rest of his family are, to be frank, bloody useless.

We moved away from London, where he had lived pretty much his entire life, and back to my home town. Because DH works for himself he became quite isolated which didn't help his state of mind either. Then he had some health issues that nearly killed him. Health issues that DID kill his father. Throw in some financial pressure, a fair amount of time working away from home and a wife who doesn't want to have sex with him (who he believes finds him unattractive and worries may be having an affair) and he's become depressed. Hardly surprising really. He doesn't expect me to fix any of it. Instead he plans to visit the GP once he's back and try AD's.

Once he's in a better head space I will suggest couples counselling again, but right now I'm not going to push it.

You have both been through a lot.

I really think counselling individually would be a really good idea.
ADs may well be appropriate for your DH (although they can have an effect on sexual function too, sorry), but if he is an abuse survivor he should very seriously consider seeking some help to deal with his past.

Me and the DW have not been through the same set of stressful circumstances as you guys, but it's been a pretty hectic couple of years. Sex has been sporadic and completely at my wife's discretion, we are now in a very similar stage to your relationship.

DW told me last night that it's not me, just that she has no desire. I'm finding it very hard to cope with, I don't want to go to bed because I can't take the rejection.

I'm starting therapy on Monday, to help me deal with this issue and all the other things it has thrown up.

I am happy to do what I can to change myself and the situation, but unless my wife does any changing then what is the point.

So, in short what I mean to say is, you both need to make changes and get over things and you could probably use some help doing it.

Youre absolutely right Pacific, he would benefit hugely from counselling. His past has fucked him up tremendously and I'm sure it's why he has had a string of dysfunctional relationships. In fact, as much as it pains me to say it, I dare say he wouldn't be sticking around now if it weren't for his past.

I do sometimes wonder if we are both clinging on to a relationship that's beyond repair in the hope of making something good out of a whole heap of shitty situations that have lead us to this point in our lives.

I'm sorry to hear you're on the receiving end of such a relationship rob (although I can assure you it's not much fun on this side either). I appreciate your input and wish you luck with the counselling.

Thanks L. I hope he manages to get his head in a better place for you both to move on.

WTF @mcangela820 your advert is unnecessary and irrelevant to OP's thread 🙄.
OP, I hope you and your DH get the counselling you both need. I think when he comes around to opening up by agreeing to seeing a counsellor, the difference will certainly be evident. Such hard and trying times for you both .

Reported

Lots of old threads being dragged up today , but I do wonder how OP did get on ? Wonder if they made it work in the end .