Whats wrong? Is it me or him?

[vodkalemonlime]

Ok our marriage seems to be struggling and this now seems to be happening since I have kind of grown a back bone!

Im not that brave or anything but maybe have started to stand up for myself, just a tiny bit.

Anyway, H regularly goes into silences/huffs for what seems no apparent reason, before I would pander to him now I don't bother and let him come out off it (he is late 40s).

Today this is the way it started, so at tea time he says, do you think something is wrong with us? I say why? He reckons we are distant, I go out when he comes in etc, don't do things together. Im sorry but I don't feel the need to live in each others pocket!

I go to bed early(10.30) as at night im knackered, he drinks 3 lagers a night and will often sit in a different room for this, fine, but why cant I just go to bed.

I just feel he takes ideas in his head and then somehow manages to have these things as my fault, im also very sick of the moods etc, but I have grown used to them as he has been like this all the time I have know him, 10+yrs.

Sounds like his moods are due to the alcohol. How old is he?

This sounds similar to what me and my DH have been going through. I'd say if you're both happy with your marriage like this than it's fine but if one of you isn't you need to discuss it.
I broached a similar conversation with DH a month ago, he was distant, staying up late, we weren't talking. Like you, I didn't mind not being 'in eachothers pockets' I'm very happy with my own company but I felt there was some underlying problem that he wasn't talking about. I was right and we nearly separated.
We are working through these problems and putting more effort into communicating with eachother and spending a bit more quality time together.

I think you need to talk about what prompted him to start the conversation, don't let it dwell, it won't go away or repair itself.

Sounds like it is not really worth being married to each other.

He id late 40s and im late 30s.

Its just like he doesn't like me doing my own thing like going to socials without him, with my friends.

He likes to stay home and have a drink in and sometimes smoke cannabis. I don't, I now like to go out a bit, especially since our DC is more independent?

But he makes me feel like im doing something wrong.

He's probably feeling neglected.
You're not doing anything wrong going out. Do you ever go out together?

XH once told me that "married women don't go out with their friends".

Note the "X".

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but I think he has given you a cue to properly communicate to him about you relationship that you should ignore at your peril (unless you have already decided you don't want to be with him). How about saying to him "I have been thinking about what you said the other day, how would you like our relationship to change?" Don't let him just give you a list of things that he thinks you should do differently, but make him suggest behavioural changes that both of you will be responsible for.

It's ok to want to do different things and not live in each other's pockets.

I get the impression from what you've written that he's right though, you don't sound like you're emotionally connected so his moods could well be a manifestation of that rather than for no reason at all. He's done the right thing by finally raising it.

So, do you want to regain that emotional connection? If so, you need to reopen a conversation acknowledging things aren't as good as they could be and thinking of ways to improve your relationship.

Thanks for your replies.

Today he has woken up in a super mood and we are just expected to forget yesterday ever happened, im drained and I cant keep going like this. He is now and will treat me fantastic for a week or 2 then the cycle will happen again.

Yesterday he came out of the blue and said how he feels its me that is causing the upset, I said I couldn't see that asked him why he was silent and moody and he said it is me as he is thinking so much about us??

He is and always has been very up and down, but since having our DC I have tolerated it a lot less as I feel this affects her too.

From the tone of your posts I'm guessing you don't actually want to be with him any more but maybe you feel that the effort and acrimony of splitting up can't happen without a bloody good major reason, all this low level shit isn't the cast iron case you feel you need. Is that right?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Im not sure TBH. Other wise, he is loyal and would never be physically violent etc, but the head games over the years have chipped away at me so badly.

DC and I now know when the day starts like this we just go about out own ways and leave him to it, but that now just feels wrong. I don't want DC to think this is married life.

Do you like your DH?

It sounds like motherhood has shifted your focus to the child you gave birth to and not the adult emotional bloodsucker you've married. In an effort to mitigate the effect of his emotional bloodsucking, you've distanced yourself emotionally in order to survive. The dynamic has changed and you no longer have the time, energy or will to pander to him and he's noticed.

Life is too short to 'survive' in a marriage. This is not a relationship role model you want to promote to your DD, use this as an opportunity to tackle whether your marriage has a long term future (solo and couples counselling could be opportunities for you to do this).

What he doesn't get to do is cast you as the problem and ignore his responsibility, of being part of the solution.

Come on OP, there's so much more to life than this.

ISETAN - You have hit the nail on the head, for years I have pandered and tip toed around him to make sure he is happy.

His drug use and drink has become more frequent, something he knows bothers me and he will not make any attempt to cut back.

He has worn be out and down I guess!