Update on tactless MIL

[tindel]

I posted a few weeks ago about how to deal with MIL who is blunt to the point of rudeness. I was preparing to talk more to DH about it when I developed preeclampsia and DS was born at 35 by emcs, so it all became slightly less important for a while.

DS is now 3 weeks old and there have been a few developments. As he was almost 6lbs, MIL kept saying she was so pleased he was born early as he would have been too big for me if he'd gone full term. DS spent his first 24 hours in an incubator and his first few days with a feeding tube, which was really upsetting and I will forever be haunted by sitting next to his incubator at 4am while he held my finger and I cried telling him I was so sorry I couldn't hold onto him longer, so he didn't have to go through that.

The next time we saw ILs, she said it again and I shut her down, explaining how much I disagreed with that and I didn't want it said again. That ended the conversation and DH backed me up.

A few days later, DH called them what we had decided to call DS. MIL's reaction was that she'd never heard of that name before and were we sure? Gave the impression she didn't like it, confirmed when she texted DH an hour later saying that it would be shortened to X and would we be ok with that?

I guessed she would react that way, DH and I were happy with our choice and I thought that was the end of it.

Just popped over to see ILs this morning and it all went quite pleasantly when just as we were about to leave, MIL felt the need to tell us she didn't like DS's name, it didn't go with his surname etc. She started asking about middle names, second choices etc. I just smiled, said we liked it and that was his name.

Came home and DH was really upset. Turns out he'd been really hurt by the phone call and had been putting off seeing her because of the reaction and was really offended by her having another dig at the name. We talked about how we could tackle it and he has driven back over to confront her about it and make it clear we won't tolerate these kinds of comments.

I am so proud of him (if sad he is so upset by it) and it was thanks to the advice I got here that I could support him to tackle this behaviour head on, which is not how he likes to do things.

Just waiting for him to come back now, but wanted to say thanks for all of the helpful advice I got here. Hoping we will put a stop to it all now.

aww congratulations lovely name by the way

hopefully they will shorten it to something remotely like his name my (stbex) mil calls her only biological grandchildren "the bab" her husband's children have names (the same as ds1 but the middle and first name is switched around born after mine too but i don't own a name) no matter which grandchild (of mine) she is talking about she calls them "the bab" i take the piss somewhat when she says the babs nappy needs changing i say ds1? he has been out of nappies for four years? she responds with no i meant the other one! "other what?"

Ooh - I like the name. We always struggled for boys names, had lots of girls names. I might put that on my shortlist when/if we have another!

Congratulations!

And hope your MIL keeps her silly mouth shut.

Apparently, it might get shortened to Joe, which I'm fine with. Tbh, DH is called a nickname by some people that bears no relation to his first name - I'm under no illusion that I will be able to control what he gets as a nickname . Surname is not Jones and everyone else has only ever been nice about our choice, which is what threw DH. MIL has been angling to get a say in the name, which we refused to let her, so think she would have had the same reaction whatever we picked.

Thanks for the support for DH - I am so proud of him. He is absolutely used to her being like this, but I think its the fact she was so blatant about it in front of us that spurred him to take action. I think becoming a dad has brought out his protective side ...

Lovely name - absolutely lovely! I know quite a few here in Sweden (it'd never be abbreviated to Jon or Joe as the hard j doesn't exist here, it's pronounced more like "yooo-nas(h) "

And well done to your dh! This is exactly what was needed, a sensible and calm discussion where she was called out on it.

Love that name. I didn't like the name my dgd was given, but it wasn't for me to choose or give an opinion about unless I had been asked.

Jonas...lovely. Joe...also lovely. Clever name.

Lovely name, don't let her shorten it

Agree, she'd have complained whatever you picked if it wasn't a name she'd suggested /you'd let her pick.

I also think whatever you'd pick as a name, even if it had an obvious shortening that you were using, she'd pick her own shortening/nickname to have some 'ownership' over his name.

Definately make sure family all know he's called Jonas, not Joe. And as soon as he's old enough, he might well correct Granny anyway.

I've now received a grovelling text from MIL, apologising about upsetting us both not that I give a toss what she thinks how she sometimes speaks without thinking and going on about how she wants a good relationship with us all. Don't know if it's genuine or she's trying to get pity, but have said I appreciate the apology and we should draw a line and move on.

Hoping this has put the wind up her and we won't have too many more incidents like this. I will stay on her though and pull her up if she forgets.

Fantastic. Draw a line and move on.

As I heard someone say yesterday, voice your needs, not your complaints.

Good for you and especially DH. It is such a tiring emotional time for you so even harder to stand up. We let a few things slide in the weeks after DD came and I regret it now because they still bug me. (Nothing as bad as you, but still rude and inappropriate). It also meAns a part of me still wants to bring it up with MIL- rather than the possibility of moving past it. Well done and congratulations on your wonderful son.

congtratulations .its a lovely name just ignore her good for your hubby sticking up to her .

Good fir you and your DH. And congrats on the birth of baby Jonas (lovely name!)

Well done.

Absolutely love Jonas.

Jonas is a lovely name and well suited to the man of distinction your ds may become

It goes wonderfully with Raphael and if his first middle name begins with R, you could have your very own JR who won't brook any nonsense from his paternal dgm.

Welcome to the world Jonas -x- (Fantastic name, cute for a baby, but a classic name, suitable for a 6ft man when he grows up).
Hope you're feeling well after your emergency delivery

Jonas is a gorgeous name, really really fab.

The MIL can bore off. Her comments about your baby's size are just awful too.

Congratulations

Lovely name. It's on my hypothetical baby name shortlist. Along with tobias. Mil hates both. But we love them.

Glad she's apologised.

Thanks for all the lovely comments about his name - as he was so early and unexpected (I went to the hospital for a clinic appointment and came home a week later with him!), we hadn't got round to thinking of names! We love it and everyone else has been nice about it, apart from MIL. I don't care what she thinks, but DH is a real people pleaser and he was thrown by her being so rude about it. He's always been quite close to his parents, so I think that was why he took it so badly.

Could shorten it to Jo (as in Joe).
Congratulations on your son's arrival OP - and we'll done to your DH too.

"Could shorten it to Jo"

Who could? Why should the OP shorten a name that she likes just to appease her tactless (and out-of-order) mil? I think I would be making jolly sure I referred to him as Jonas at all times, Christmas and birthday cards, the lot. If she wanted to call him Joe, then presumably she could have named him that in the first place?

My BIl did this - announced he didn't like DD1 name so would call her a short version. He still does it 6 years later. The whole family indluge him. She just thinks it's odd and generally ignores him.