Mate being hassled for sex by her bf?

[wickedlazy]

A mate has confided that her boyfriend pesters her for sex, and won't take no for an answer. She only does it to shut him up. Sometimes they've been fighting and she's annoyed, sometimes she's just not in the mood.

I find this really shocking. If my dp continued to harrass me for sex, after a clear no, I would be livid. Could see it turning physical if he wouldn't take no for an answer. But he's never done anything like that. He respects that if i'm not in the mood for whatever reason, I won't enjoy it, so he waits until I feel randy again usually when he's not in the mood . I blurted out that this sounded abusive, and that I would slap any fucker that tried to paw me like that when I had clearly expressed I didn't want sex. Then subject was changed. Do I broach it again? What do I say? Dp has his issues and has fucked up many times, but never done this?

Can't discus with anyone in rl, mate would be understandably mortified. But worried about her now.

Very unpleasant. im not sure what you can do other than keep the doors of communication with her open - she is the one who needs to take action. And she does need to take action, because 'not taking no for an answer ' and having sex with someone who doesn't want it is rape, full stop.

I think you could bring this up again with her when you're together and in a safe space. Let her know you are concerned, don't let her minimise with 'oh but he's so lovely the rest of the time.' .. Say to her, outright, that sex without consent is rape. That no decent person wants to have sex with someone who is not into it - it then becomes someone doing something to you, not with you. She may have normalised this but it's not normal at all.

Tell her you're there for her and encourage her to talk to women's aid.

That is rape. Anyone has the right to say no to sex or even ask someone to stop during sex and it should be complied with.

I think she would baulk at the idea of rape. But in reality, that's what it sounds like to me. Not an easy thing for me to get my head around (that he's been raping her regularly for months). I think she knows it's not right, or why confide in me/need to get it off her chest?

They are both young, still living with (their respective) parents. (Both 20, i'm 24 but different circumstances). No kids, both work full time. He is very controlling, constantly texting to see what she is doing every minute she is out. And she has described him being, what to me sounds emotionally abusive. But she thinks it's "only a few silly things".

But what he's doing isn't just a silly thing is it? at him now. Bastard. Not going to be easy being in his company now. Afraid I will say something to him. He seems to have such an odd hold on her, especially considering how young they both are . No idea how to approach this. My first instinct is to get him on his own and tell him I know he's a rapist cunt and he better treat her like royalty or i'll slice his balls off with a samari sword. But of course I won't/can't do that.

He sounds scarily what my ex was like when we got together in our early twenties. His abuse escalated hugely. I'm blessed to be alive. I hope your friend escapes before it gets too deep.
To be honest, though, (and you probably know this), if you 'interfere' by speaking to him it will most likely magnify his abuse of her.

the texting all the time and controlling behaviour is very worrying
but as pp have said, on no account challenge him directly as this is likely to be seen as her having 'caused him trouble'
she needs to know that it isn't normal or acceptable and she doesn't have to put up with it- fortunately it sounds like she could leave him quite easily at the moment- if she talks about making any more commitment to him, such as moving in together, that would be even more worrying.

I won't say anything to him, I'll bite my tongue. Know if would just make the situation much worse. Keepmum how did you get away from him?

It's a really long story and I don't really know how to condense it.

I believe God rescued me (I am a Christian) because the way it happened ( the 'Great Escape', as I like to call it) was so perfect and better than I could have possibly planned myself.

Kind people let me and my two dds stay with them in a secret location for the first month or so. I travelled all over, trying to avoid discovery.

In the end, he moved out of our marital home of his own volition and I then moved back in and changed the locks.

He has remarried and has another dd. I believe his new wife is suffering as I did, but I can't help her :(

I do hope your friend gets out quickly. Men like that only get more and more dangerous.

Please confide in her parents, you only need to give them the basics. She may get through this with their help

If I told her parents I don't think she would ever talk to me again, and would minimalise it to them. She is very private (usually) about her relationship with this guy. Don't think her parents know the half of it.

she may usually be private so the fact that she has confided in you speaks volumes

Just stay close to her and reiterate if she mentions it again that this is wrong and that she should not tolerate it.

I would raise it again gently again in a week or two if she doesn't

Point her our way

Yes, point her to MN and let her see others' comments.

Even if she won't accept that it is rape, it is most certainly sexual and emotional abuse. She needs to leave him.

I agree that telling her parents is a bad idea. It's betrayiing her trust.

MN helped me hugely when I was in her shoes. Good luck.