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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

All-consuming crush on colleague

11 replies

AlmaKnack · 18/09/2015 23:01

I have such a big crush on a colleague and I don't know how to get rid of it. I can't change to work with him less, unfortunately, and I'm constantly terrified I'll do something stupid at a work social - which are frequent events to which partners are never invited. I find myself thinking that if I'd never met DH that I would have an equally (maybe better) marriage with this man. And that is an awful thing to think. What can I do?

OP posts:
Shakey15000 · 18/09/2015 23:05

Obviously very unfair on your DH. However, the only thing you can do is remain professionally distant at work and NOT attend any social gatherings. Or if you absolutely have to, remain alcohol free. And try and analyse and work on your marriage if you love your DH. Or end it.

AlmaKnack · 18/09/2015 23:06

Sorry to drop feed. I haven't posted in this section before. I'm living away from DH Mon-Fri at the moment for work reasons so am seeing a lot more of colleagues than I am seeing DH. Is it because of this? We are trying to buy a house in the middle of our two workplaces but it's a fucking nightmare so have been living apart during the week for 10 months.

OP posts:
Scarletforya · 18/09/2015 23:07

Don't drink at the socials, better still don't go to the socials.

Shakey15000 · 18/09/2015 23:15

I think it's more than the distance if you're speculating the what if's if you'd never met your DH. And you say "better" marriage. What's wrong with your marriage. You can't possibly know this other guy would provide a "better" marriage. It's fantasy in overdrive.

springydaffs · 18/09/2015 23:27

You poor thing. I do feel sorry for you in the vice-like grip of this.

But I wouldn't feel sorry for you if you went off with him - bcs you can control that. Don't go to the socials, be hyper aware each time you do something designed to get some contact, however small, with him. And don't do it.

Have you heard of limerance?

Badcheese · 19/09/2015 09:58

There are two ways to deal with this.

1: muddle through
In this scenario you feel at the mercy of emotions/feelings beyond your control ("all consuming") and go around telling yourself and others that you don't want to feel like this but you just don't know what to do... End up at socials because, hey, it's a work thing so it's legitimate right? And eventually find yourself getting deeper and thinking about him even more, until thoughts of him have pushed your DH out almost entirely and you and DH are in a some shell of a marriage which you have emotionally detached from some months previously, all the time claiming you had no idea what you were doing.
Unfortunately I and other posters on here are telling you exactly what you are, in fact, doing (even though you might kid yourself that you aren't), so you won't be able to tell yourself that lie any more.

2: deal with it.
If you aren't too sure what this entails let me explain.
Avoid any contact with him that you can.
Do not go to socials.
Do not spend any energy finding out if he will be here there in this meeting that meeting so you can find yourself " accidentally" in his presence.
Never ever drink with him. Not even if you are celebrating a work success or failure.
Never discuss you personal life with him.
Never discuss your relationship with DH or his other half at all - this is an act of betrayal.
Never confess your feelings to him. This will take you both down totally the wrong road.
You need to establish openness with DH (windows) and impenetrable boundaries around your exclusive relationship (walls). Yes, even when your relationship is in a slump. Especially then.
Change your role or job at the next opportunity. It might take a year but you can start looking now.
Do not daydream about him. Believe it or not, you can choose not to. Google it and find a method that works for you.
Definitely do not fantasise sexually about him.
Absolutely definitely never fantasise about him while with your DH. This is a heartbreaking betrayal.
TALK TO YOUR DH. If you say to him: you know honey I feel really silly about it but I keep finding myself having these crush feelings on this guy at work and I wish I didn't feel this way but I didn't feel right keeping it a secret from you and I'm telling you because I love you and I want our marriage to be a good one where we are honest with each other even about difficult things. You might be amazed to discover that he loves you SO MUCH that he is willing to be understanding about it. And I promise you this will burst the bubble of your crush and you really won't feel this way again.

Sorry for the rant and sorry if I sound angry. I followed path no 1, it's a complete mess and I only have myself to blame, so if I sound angry it's only cos I'm angry at myself. I would hate to see you go down the same path. Trust me, at this stage it's early enough that you can catch it without devastating your marriage. Carry on and you won't believe how quickly it can get out of hand. The pain and suffering that can come out of these situations is beyond the comprehension of someone in your situation. Google " emotional affair" or go to emotionalaffair.org and soon you will have your eyes opened. Also look up "limerence".

Good luck. You sound like you want to do the right thing by your marriage.

0dfod · 19/09/2015 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 19/09/2015 10:22

How happy really are you with your dh? Are there other issues?

Intheprocess · 19/09/2015 10:52

AlmaKnack

My feeling is that 'emotional affairs' are not things that just happen, but are an unhealthy response to a genuine problem. What you need to deal with is the genuine problem.

It could be one (or several) of the following:

  1. Your practical situation with DH is very stressful, which will be resolved when you get the house sorted.
  2. You are going through a difficult patch with DH, but this will get better if you both work at it.
  3. You and your DH are not right for each other, he is not giving you something you need and you feel this other man will. That's not necessarily anyone's fault, sometimes that's just the way things are.
  4. You have deeper emotional issues that need to be investigated, preferably through help with a counsellor.

So, do you genuinely want to live with DH? Or does the thought of living with him full-time again actually make you unhappy? Be absolutely honest with yourself. Getting over this other man so that you can return to an unhappy relationship would just be more of Badcheese's 'muddling through'.

AlmaKnack · 19/09/2015 18:32

Limerence resonates. This man is so knowledgeable about our (very specialised) area of work that there might be some sort of infatuation due to wanting to learn from him which is contributing.

I wouldn't say there are any major issues with my marriage, apart from obvious stress of being apart Mon-Fri and trying to move house.

I have three years left in this job role and it would damage my career to move before then. Will try to be sensible at work socials - I have put myself in a taxi home on two occasions in the past because I didn't feel confident that I'd not do something I'd come to regret.

I don't know about telling DH. In a way I think he'd laugh it off like a 'celebrity crush' (hello Tamal from Bake Off) but I think because it's 'real life' it would be different. I really don't want to hurt him or harm my marriage.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 19/09/2015 19:47

When I've been in a situation like this (tho, unlike you, I was in a terrible marriage - but I still didn't want to cheat) it came down to: they are my arms, I have control over whether or not I lift them.

It was that bad at one point.

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