Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Do i ask my ex for more maintenance?

19 replies

BG2015 · 18/09/2015 22:52

I've been separated/divorced from my ex for nearly 9 years. My 2 boys are now 15 & 12.

I have a reasonable relationship with their dad, we communicate about the kids and are supportive of each other regarding the children. He has them overnight every Friday and for tea on a Wednesday. He will have them extra if I ask but that's rare, an odd weekend here and there.

When we split I earned slightly more than him and we agreed on a maintenance sum of £250 a month. No CSA involvement.

We have both taken them on holidays over the years and he will pay for school shoes if I ask him (I pay for the rest of school uniform) but I do pay out for much more than he does. He earns about £5k more than me now. His mum buys them the odd bit of clothing and he pays £50 a month for trampolining lessons.

I recently asked him if he would consider giving me a bit more money, considering the boys eat more, want more, uniforms cost more. I just find that school trips, exercise books etc and the demands of high school life and the fact that I have 2 nearly 6ft "men" living me with just drains me of money.

He has refused.

The CMS suggest that £96 a week is about what I should be getting. Which is £416 a month. Ive told him this. Ive suggested £350 as a compromise. I know he earns roughly £40k so it could even be more than that.

He's refused.

I don't know what to do? Do I push it and take it up with CMS or do I suffer financially but continue to have a positive relationship with him?? I know he's hoping I'll take it no further, as I'm just too nice!

I'm annoyed he can't see that £4 per child per day isn't enough anymore?

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 18/09/2015 23:25

Calmly tell him that if he doesn't voluntarily up his maintenance payments to £350, you'll go through the CMS and he'll be required to pay c£416 per month which may be deducted from his salary at source.

If he chooses not to up his payments, proving that you're a woman of your word is unlikely to have a longstanding effect on your 'positive relationship' as you'll feel considerably more goodwill towards him if you're not suffering financially because of his lacklustre approach to parenting.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/09/2015 23:26

longstanding negative effect... etc.

RealityCheque · 18/09/2015 23:27

Give him one chance to pay £400 or you go to CMS. And mean it.

Alittlecurious · 18/09/2015 23:34

Why would you compromise with him if he is not paying what the CMS advise?

You do run the risk of it affecting your relationship and goodwill is important but he is way out here. I would try to do it amicably but if not, I would definitely go through the CMS no question.

Original poster

BG2015 · 18/09/2015 23:48

I have asked calmly and reasonably. He joked that he didn't have any extra money after just paying £1,000 for a road bike.

He has no idea what I pay out for the kids, £10 to go to the cinema with friends, money for books from the school book club, passport fees, clothes and toiletries, spot cream, petrol money for running them all over the place, stationary for school stuff....the list goes on. I'm coping as I have a well paid job but that's not the point.

He earns more than me. I can see that the boys are beginning to resist going to him as they develop their own social lives too!

Inflation alone would put it at £315.

I'm fed up of being nice!

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 19/09/2015 00:32

So, no more Ms Nice Gal - and if he can fork out a grand to treat himself while leaving you short, you've got no reason to cut him any slack whatsoever.

On reflection, I agree with RC - make it £400 a month or it'll be the CMS and the possibility of his employers knowing that he's had to be forced to support his dc.

junebirthdaygirl · 19/09/2015 08:35

Could he give the boys some pocket money every week or a transfer into their accounts once a month. They could use it for cinema etc. It would be good for them to see that connection to their Dad as the fact he pays maintenance probably goes over their heads. Also it means they can ask him for money if have special things on as we know how teenagers need money for trips etc.. When they go to college then they can continue that system so more between them and him. You need to show him though that you still have same bills so nothing should change there. Do they ever ask him for money or does he ever just throw them some for no reason?

magoria · 19/09/2015 09:45

I would be careful here.

You go official and get the money you are due. He stops the £50 a month trampolining and buying shoes (after all that is what maintenance is for right?). DS is 14 and I seem to be buying shoes fairly often right now.

How much better off would you be then?

Sit and work out if you will be better off before doing it.

If you will then go for it.

lighteningirl · 19/09/2015 09:54

I had this with my ex but he did increase by inflation each year. I would try as hard as possible to keep things nice but to not get rises with inflation is unacceptable. Talk to him again I asked my ex to confirm the csa amount for himself (easily done now on the internet) and we compromised at about 75% with him continuing to buy shoes coats riding lessons etc if I had forced the issue he would have stopped all extras and been raging at the intrusion. I would have been worse off emotionally and financially.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 19/09/2015 10:13

Are you seriously saying that you can't support two high school aged children on that money? If you both contribute £250 each plus child benefit that's £600 a month without the extras he pays for. If you can't cover food, clothes and pocket money on that you are going very wrong somewhere.

Some adults don't have that much left over for themselves and their children let alone the luxury of all those extras and non essentials.

If he stops the extras and any spending on them on his days, they may be worse of.

Original poster

BG2015 · 19/09/2015 13:43

After a heated discussion this morning he's agreed to up it to £300!

I don't need ANY money off him cookie monster, I could probably manage without it, but that is not the point. The government suggest an amount and he's never paid that and it's NEVER increased, even with inflation. They are his children too, he doesn't deal with the hormones, teenage tantrums, feeding other children who stay over, call in after school and raid the fridge. He doesn't run them here there and everywhere. He doesn't have to do much at all as my eldest works for 6 hours whilst he has them on Friday/ Saturday. His mum helps him out with a massive bag of M & S goodies every week, not to mention the washing and ironing she does for him!

He can go away for the weekend, go on holiday when he wants, he doesn't have to check with me, he just tells me he can't have the kids. I don't have that luxury.

It has never seemed very fair this divorcing stuff!

OP posts:

Handywoman · 19/09/2015 17:01

I know - shared parenting - my arse!

Original poster

BG2015 · 19/09/2015 17:25

Handywoman couldn't have said it better myself.

OP posts:

lighteningirl · 19/09/2015 17:48

Please don't take my post as anything other than advice to walk that fine line carefully you should not have to defend yourself about asking for reasonable maintenance and its outrageous to be told otherwise Cookie you clearly have your own issues here and were very rude. My dc are now in their twenties, well educated, hard working happy adjusted adults with a healthy, strong bond with their df. They are also very aware he never contributed as much as he could or should have and have both pulled him on it.

tribpot · 19/09/2015 18:08

After a heated discussion this morning he's agreed to up it to £300!

Which leaves you £1,392 out of pocket compared to pursuing him through CMS.

It must be tempting to tell him it's not your problem if he arranges to go away on his contact weekend, childcare is his responsibility and he will have to arrange cover. Presumably either he'd just make his mum do it or decide the 15 year old could look after the 12 year old and swan off anyway.

Original poster

BG2015 · 19/09/2015 19:06

To be fair he's a great dad and a nice bloke! We have talked a lot about why our marriage failed and both admit we had our part to play. It's all in the past.

But today he wasn't nice! He reminded me that I got more equity than him and so I shouldn't be asking for more maintenance, I told him that means nothing. It was never stated in the courts, just an arrangement between us about maintenance. We separated in 2005/6 so it's a long time ago to be harking back to the past.

He asked me how much my mortgage was ( I didn't tell him) as he wanted to prove my bills are less than his. He told me he could prove he lives alone ( he has a girlfriend but she's not living there - as far as I know). My fella spends a lot of time at mine but we're not living together. He just didn't get it. The CMS aren't interested in how much your mortgage is or whether your girlfriend stays over a lot.

He told me if I pursue it with the CMS he wouldn't help me out anymore and make my life hell! I put the phone down on him at that point.

He then rang, text and left voicemail to apologise. He knew he'd fuc*ed up at that point.

£300 isn't enough. But I need him to help me out sometimes. I need to swap an odd night and ask for a free weekend. So it will have to do.

OP posts:

tribpot · 19/09/2015 21:18

I must have got confused about the job description of a great dad, I didn't realise it involved being able to dump your children on a contact weekend if you get a better offer? I also notice from the language that you (presumably actually he) use he is 'helping you out'. With his own children.

He doesn't feel beholden to you when he wants to 'swap an odd night and ask for a free weekend', does he? He just goes right ahead and does it.

Still, I guess you only have 6 more years of bullying before your children are grown up. Less if you consider they won't need overnight supervision before long. Personally I'd tell him to go fuck himself and go to the CMS anyway, ultimately I think you might regret giving away the power more than the specifics of this particular conflict.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/09/2015 21:44

He knew he'd fuc*ed up at that point and the price of you accepting his apology is another £50 per month which gets it up to the £350 you were hoping for, plus he continues to pay for the trampolining lessons.

Do please act on june's emininently sensible suggestion as your boys should be able to call on the bank of dad as well as that of mum.

It very much sounds as if your ex simply needs dragging into the real world of financing teenagers and your dc need to be aware that after raised eyebrows, exclamations of horrified surprise at the cost of trainers/outings/i phones etc, he'll stump up. Hopefully, they'll soon take the attitude that 'good old dad will pay' and milk him accordingly

SurlyCue · 19/09/2015 21:51

I don't know what to do? Do I push it and take it up with CMS

yes. you have offered a very generous offer to subsidise him by £66 per month which he has refused. the offer now expires and he gets no further subsidy from you. go to CMS and let them sort it out. he'll be kicking himself for refusing your earlier offer.

Flip