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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex-less marriage - want to kiss someone else....

45 replies

geordiegeorgie · 18/09/2015 19:07

My DH and I have been together 9 years. 9 years of next-to-no sex. But it's been okay because he's a really nice person and we get on really well...and you can't have everything. I know sex isn't that important compared to being with a good man who treats you well. But recently it has been really getting me down. It makes me feel unattractive. There's a whole part of me he doesn't know, ie what I like sexually, what I would like us to try etc etc. We have sex about once every 2 or so months but I always initiate it. What have spoken about it lots and he says he fancies me, does want sex, etc etc... But nothing happens. I have suggested couples sex therapy to help us but he's not interested. It's selfish I know when he's such a nice person, but I'm really struggling with it!
Anyway, part 2... I have never cheated on him, not even come close. But, I am currently really tempted which I know is awful. I know that a situation could arise where we could kiss, and I really want to.. He is really not my type, we are totally incompatible so I know there is no chance of an affair or anything like that, but I really, really find him physically attractive, and his flirtiness makes me feel happy and more confident. I know it's an awful thing to think, and I don't expect anyone to reply with anything other than "don't be a bitch", but I had to get it off my chest. Can't talk to my friends about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

geordiegeorgie · 23/09/2015 21:59

I think I need to kiss him...

OP posts:

sminkypinky · 24/09/2015 08:22

You said you were around him yesterday, what happened OP?

wiggle42 · 24/09/2015 10:50

I know how you all feel, I am a man in a similar position. I work long hours on a rotating shift pattern, my partner now works in a pub on Saturday and sunday nights, which are my nights off, and will also work whenever I can cover looking after the kids. Things have been on the slide for a long time, both our jobs get in the way of a "normal" sex life, I reckon we will get about 3 nights together over the next three weeks.
In hope of improving the situation I recently suggested setting up a romantic get together for when she got home from work...(candles, log fire etc) the response was a long silence and a look of embarrassment, then she said she didn't think she would be up for it...

What hurts is that I am hearing about the customers at work who take a shine to her, she obviously enjoys this from the way she talks about it - I could stomach that if she showed interest in me also... but I think that the attention in the pub is more exciting than a nine year old relationship.
I am trying to rekindle some sort of passion and excitement, but it doesn't seem to have the desired effect.
She does show affection towards me, but it's not quite the same as intimacy...
I don't know what to do, other female acquaintances are catching my eye, and making me think........................
Help!

Original poster

geordiegeorgie · 24/09/2015 21:49

Sminky - I was so determined to be good i avoided him to the extreme! But afterwards, I reeeeaaallly felt deflated!

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Original poster

geordiegeorgie · 24/09/2015 21:50

Hmm tricky Wiggle.. interesting to hear it from the flip side...

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sminkypinky · 24/09/2015 21:59

geordie - maybe for the best, do you work with this person? could make things awkward. Are you any further on with arranging counselling? I've raised it with DH and it is a no at the moment.

Original poster

geordiegeorgie · 25/09/2015 09:20

No I don't work with him. I could potentially never see him again which is why it's more appealing because it really could be a simple one-off...

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Original poster

geordiegeorgie · 23/10/2015 20:14

I just don't now what do to. Couples therapy isn't working. We will never have compatible sex drives. I am so unhappy with that aspect of our relationship, but it's not a valid enough reason to leave and deprive our children of a two-parent home. I will be in a 1:1 situation with aforementioned potential kiss-man on Tues, and my "will-not-cheat" wall is crumbling...

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sminkypinky · 23/10/2015 21:21

I was wondering about how you were getting on the other day. Ho wlong have you been doing couples therapy for?

ILiveAtTheBeach · 23/10/2015 21:46

geordie I would kiss him! Sorry if people shout "oh that's cheating". No, it's not actually. Cheating is shagging two blokes at the same time. And she's not getting any nooky from her DH. I can say to you geordie that one kiss changed my life! I'm not with the guy I kissed. We didn't even date. But it was a pivotal moment for me. I had been very unhappy with ExH. He had cheated etc. I was in a club, aged 37, and connected with a French guy. I'd never cheated in my 20 year relationship with ExH, but was feeling low, having found out that he had cheated (many times). This guy just swooped in, mid conversation, and kissed me. It was fucking wonderful! Made me realise there are lots of fish in the sea. Gave me the strength to leave ExH. That French guy will never know what he did for me. Now am remarried. So, I guess I'm the one saying be naughty.

TooSassy · 23/10/2015 22:25

This thread is depressing. How many people (including me) are surviving in sexless marriages???

Interesting that one posters xH is now with a man. I was in a sexless marriage for years. I distinctly remember seducing him about 4 years ago and his face resembled a bunny caught in the headlights. Given I recently found clear evidence of his infidelity with (ahem) ladyboys....it does make me wonder how many older men (40's onwards) are now starting to discover their true sexual preferences. Because let's face it, when they were growing up, being gay had immense stigma. Now they have ample opportunity.

I wish my STBXH had had the courage to tell me as opposed to taking years of my life when I could have been with someone who...well who actually wanted to be with me.

TooSassy · 23/10/2015 22:27

Oh and OP don't kiss anyone else. Force the issue and put it on the table....you deserve answers IMO. Kissing someone else is just a distraction (albeit a nice one)...

ILiveAtTheBeach · 23/10/2015 22:31

TooSassy you poor bugger, sending hugs xx

Original poster

geordiegeorgie · 23/10/2015 23:12

Thanks everyone. So interesting to hear such differing opinions. I will post on Tues night with an update... Send me "resist-him" vibes!x

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sminkypinky · 23/10/2015 23:17

This thread coming back prompted me to raise it with my Dh again tonight and now we aren't talking because he was just wheeling out his usual replies so with the mood I'm in I'd say to just go for it (although my advice may differ in the morning after a nights sleep )

Seeyounearertime · 23/10/2015 23:17

Op, I know its trite, but before you do anything with anyone other than your OH can you picture how you would feelmifnyou found out he'd done it? How would you feel if your OH had kissed someone? Flirted with someone? Shagged someone? Etc.
How would you feel if you read a message board thread like this and you realised it was your OH?

If you can say 100% honestly that you would be anything less than totally devastated, go ahead and have a ball.
But, if you realise how hurtful and how much pain this could cause your OH then you'll either leave him or work it out together.

Or go buy a big dildo

Seeyounearertime · 23/10/2015 23:19

Just too add,
If this had been a man writing about a woman this thread woild have been very different. He would have been dragged over thcoals and called various disgusting names. Strangely, that hasn't happened in the thread....

LoveAndHate · 23/10/2015 23:32

A man who refuses couples counselling does not deserve your loyalty.

Original poster

geordiegeorgie · 24/10/2015 03:29

Oh no Sminky! Poor you! I hope tomorrow is a better day....!xx

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Mousqueton · 24/10/2015 11:13

It CAN get better, but you both have to take responsibility and make it happen. The key to it is getting to the bottom of his lack of libido - he may say he still fancies out of not wanting to upset you. He may have "performance issues" he's unable to open up about. He may have stresses or anxiety that are killing the urge... Could be any reason that he's too proud to admit. Then again, it may just be he doesn't want any sex and doesn't realise the effect it has on you.

You could use the threat of "satisfying your needs elsewhere" as a last resort (it worked for me!) but it's risky ground.

Actually having an affair is opening Pandora's box. Going by your posts, I don't think you would handle the emotional consequences well... so I wouldn't go there.

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