Sad, but not surprised- dad issues

[southlondonbaby]

Sharing here to vent so my lovely sis and partner don't have to hear me go on about this!

Our little one is 2 weeks old, and we are so blessed with a lovely community and family to dote on her. The only niggle in the back of my mind is the fact that my dad has not responded to the news in any way.

Although we haven't spoken in 5 years and he missed my wedding and 30th birthday, I decided to text him to let him know baby (his first grandchild) was born. Blame it on the euphoria of the moment!

I debated whether to text or call- he lives overseas- but didn't want any mean remarks on the phone. It's a week later and nothing. I know it's the right number as he is still in touch with my brother (who, also disappointingly, just wrote 'congratulations to you both' after my DP tracked him down on Facebook to tell him).

Anyway, his loss and all that, but it smarts a bit. I guess I feel so happy and amazed at this little person, I feel hurt that he isn't interested. It's probably for the best, as I don't see our relationship going anywhere, but sad anyway.

Ahh, that feels better! Thanks mn

Why haven't you spoken for 5 years?

Congratulations on your bonny babe!

Congratulations on your new baby!

I have a dad like this, we just visited the UK after 5 years away and he couldn't be bothered to speak to my beautiful children at a wedding. I think you have to accept that some people are just not cut out to be a father and not waste any more of your energy on them. It's taken a long time for me to come to that realisation though!

That's so hard. Think you did the right thing letting him know. Obviously he has shown himself not to be the model father up until now so don't expect anything else. It is totally his loss. Congrats on your lovely new baby. Enjoy her and try not to waste any more energy on your dad. Having a baby brings our own parent stuff to the fore so good to be aware of that. You deserve more but he is not capable it seems.

Ask yourself what you expected. Why, after all this time, would he suddenly become the dad of your dreams, when he's had a lifetime NOT to fuck it up?

It was a nice gesture, but he was never goi to give you the approval you're craving... Mostly because he doesn't WANT you to feel good about yourself.

You are the bigger person here, carry on as before. Sadly you Have no dad. It's. Not your fault.

It sounds a bit like you are mourning the relationship that your baby should have had with a normal grandparent. Perhaps secretly you were hoping that whilst your dad is a crap parent, he might be interested in being a good grandparent. You also will love your DC more than anything, and can't imagine why he wouldn't want to even send a text to acknowledge their existence.

But here's the thing, he is not the dad you deserved. He won't be the grandparent your DC deserves. You are better off without him in your lives at all.

I'm so sorry that you have missed out on a supportive and helpful dad. It's not fair, it's not your fault, and you can't fix it.

So from a complete stranger, congratulations! you know you can be the parent that he never was. Let yourself grieve, let yourself feel how you want to feel, but know that this is the best thing for you all.

Don't let him taint this wonderful time

Congratulations to you on your recent birth.

Re your brother; like father like son. He learnt a lot of damaging crap from his own father didn't he.

Ignore them both; surround yourself instead with people who enhance your life rather than suck the very joy out of it.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have got from your dad; it is not your fault he is like this. You did not do that to him and you did not make him that way. You do not need his approval any more, not that he would ever give that anyway. He is just too selfish and self absorbed and again it is not your fault he is the ways he is. Crap parents like him would make for being rubbish grandparent figures as well; your child needs healthy role models.

Fucjyouchris- your response really hit a nerve and unblocked something! Yes I think it is about the hope he'd be a better GD. Thank you so much for articulating it like that.

Springydaffs- he and my mum split up after 30 years and he went off traveling, but also felt that we were on my mum's 'side'.

Atilla, hissy, causanda and june- thanks for the wise words and positivity.

Glad I could help, South. So much of it is about recognising what we're angry or upset about. That's why bouncing it off strangers can help.

Being a parent is a huge responsibility. Being a grandparent is the fun bits without that level of responsibility. Some parents do thrive in that role (can't wait for it myself!). Others carry on their destructive or lazy approaches and it isn't the best thing for the child.

You are lovely for hoping he'd step up, and giving him the chance to. Now use all of that loveliness on your DC and don't waste a drop of it on anyone who hasn't earned it