Letting the child go to the OW

[Dollygirl2008]

Hi, husband left after 26 years to move in with OW. Early days - only a month down the line but me and DD (6) are doing OK all things considering. Always been a caring, wonderful father and DD adores him. He's seeing her regularly but I know the time will come that he'll want her to meet OW and her two children. To be honest, the thought makes me physically sick. The thought of them playing happy families just the four of them makes me want to vomit, let alone when they have my daughter.

Just wondered others experiences, timeframes etc. Thanks in advance

I have no advice / experience but didntb want you to remain unanswered.

I've seen this come up before and the best advice I read was to discuss this with him before it comes up but along the lines of mentioning future boyfriends of yours as well as his future girlfriends. What guidelines do you both want to agree on in terms of DD being introduced to future boyfriends and girlfriends, given that it's not in her best interests to have a line of different adults traipsing through her home and life.

Ah, you poor thing
Right now, you'll want to poke both their eyes out. So my post might be too early for you, apologies if it upsets you.

I don't think there's much point in trying to influence when your daughter meets her - it will be his choice. If it will upset your daughter and he's reasonable, it's worth asking him to delay the meeting. But accept that you can't control this.

I also don't think it means there'll be an endless stream of people traipsing through her life - thank goodness!

This is the bit that's probably too soon for you to hear, but how I've coped is that I truly believe that a child can't have too many people in their lives that care for them, and look out for them.

Right now, it's SHIT. But it has to be better than your child one day enjoys having two families, than not.

My situation was far easier - my husband cheated, but with prostitutes, not this GF.

He's just been on a family holiday with them, my daughter (also 6!) chatters away about how it's like have a stepsister...

I wanted a second child, a sibling for her - his behaviour put paid to that. How is it fair that he gets to have the "family" and I don't? After his behaviour? It isn't fair.

But I can tell you this: my daughter likes both homes. She doesn't like them more than me. She's happy. And any time I feel jealous or angry of just sad, I look at her being happy. And I think - what makes me happiest in the whole world? My girl being happy and secure and loved. Her dad is a grade A arsehole - but they have a lo jdh little thing going on. You have to try, for your own sanity, the separate your feelings.

that you're dealing with it so quickly, after such a low marriage, and with an OW

What a difficult thing to deal with

DS1 met a few of Exes 'friends' within a few months of our split. He wasn't particularly good at waiting or holding out, so DS1 simply met them almost as soon as Ex did. It was horrid. Just horrid. Ex has been in a relationship for the last few years with a lovely, lovely woman. She has her head together, she's kind to DS1, she treats him well and she keeps Ex on the straight and narrow. I couldn't have asked for a better woman to love my DS when he's away from me.

It takes time but gets easier. It's better for DD to not worry about choosing between you and her Dad, regardless of his awful behaviour.

Cabrinha what a lovely, grown-up, sensible post. Mumsnet at its best. Dollygirl

Thank you LillianGish
It's actually become one of my proudest achievements in life, watching my girl thrive oblivious to potential adult hurts and politics.

Of course it gets to me - but every time she says something positive about the other 'family' I make a mental effort (is it mindfulness?) to think "you did that, you kept her innocent and happy, go you!". I seriously do the self praise thing

OP, it's way too early for you, but if you take anything from my post (and other people's) it's that unbelievably, it really DOES get easier with time.
You will not believe how far you've come, when you look back in a few months, then a year.

What amazing comments - outs a different perspective on it. I guess that what worries me even more than the jealousy is the fact that OW also has three daughters and i worry that it will all feel a bit intimidating for her. I guess that's up to her father to manage though

You sound great Cabrinha

Sounds like a horrible situation OP and I hope you find the strength to cope with it.

What a wise lady cabrinha....

I'm torn between torturing you with the picture of your girl getting on with those girls, and reassuring you!

My girl has arguments with her 'stepsister' who I think (putting 2+2 together) is a bit of a stroppy mare - she's 8, 2 years older. But I remind myself that siblings fight, and it just comes with the territory and good outweighs the bad. And actually, having to 'fight' - as long as in a normal kids way, nothing bullying - can be a good life lesson. I don't think it hurts my only child yo have to argue for what she wants!

Re the 3:1 ratio being intimidating... Different situation but my sister has 5 kids, and my girl very much pairs off with one of her girls. Not the closest in age, either. They have similar interests (Monster High!) and have a lovely little friendship. Far from being intimidated by 5 cousins, the other 4 pretty much ignore her and her them.

Most likely, your daughter will have a preferred choice from these 3 and it'll work out OK.

It's SO hard when anything negative gets reported. I want to march over and throw my weight around
But honestly, every time I've thought "is this actually equivalent to sibling squabbles?" I've had to conclude that it is.

At the risk of sounding too Pollyanna - at least this is a woman who probably is quite good with little girls. My friend's XH has shacked up with a prostitute 20 years his junior who bullies their ASD son Could be worse