Wibu to inform SS?

[Sinkingships]

I started a thread in here recently (am too scared to post in Aibu) about my ExH having a new baby.

It was a shock at the time but it's been a few weeks and now it's sunk in Im not too bothered any more (apart from the affect it may potentially have on ds but that's a seperate issue).

Went to visit DCs recently and ended up reconnecting with some good mutual friends of ours, friends that he stays with when he is in the area visting. It transpires, from our conversation, that although ExH assured me he had stopped smoking drugs since our split, he is in fact still doing it. With his pregnant gf in the house (she also smokes), exactly like he used to do with me.

This means he lied to both me and my parents about this, something I was not aware of until now. My parents and I had strong suspicions he had not quit but no proof until now.

Given my experiences with SS I am extremely reluctant to ever involve them in anyone's lives. I would not wish them on my worst enemy and I have nothing against exH's gf at all and do not wish for their family to be torn apart. Although others have advised me to inform SS about the new baby I felt it was probably unnecessary, as I felt SS would probably know anyway.

However, given this new information I have been feeling really guilty about not saying anything to them and wondering if I should mention it. I have absolutely no desire to be vindictive, spiteful or petty in any way, if anything I really do not want to say anything but I can't help but feel like history is about to repeat itself. Obviously exH's gf knows he smokes it and doesn't have a problem with it, which under normal circumstances would be totally their choice and nothing to do with me. But now there will be a baby involved and I'm 99% sure she has no idea what she is letting herself in for and it will be a huge shock when she finds out.

I'm really torn because I don't want to be seen as the jealous, bitter ex trying to ruin their lives but equally I will feel terrible if anything were to happen to the baby if SS don't monitor them. Do I need to say anything or will they find out some other way? Should I wind my neck in and keep my nose out? Or is it my duty, no matter the circumstances, to inform them of a potential child at risk? Really need some advise from impartial sources.

When you report you report anonymously. Ie he/they won't know who did the reporting and will never know. If all their friends know they it could be any number of people doing the reporting.

I have reported things to ss before now and would do again should the need arise. For the same reasons as you: I can't stand by when a child is at risk. We can't assume ss 'just know' - they are very pushed and can miss stuff because of it.

Be brave. It's horrible and you must dread it, especially with what you've been through with them, but you can't not imo.

I'm not sure about this one. I don't even drink around my kids so I understand your concerns. I found it horrible to be around inebriated adults when I was a child.
However I have a friend who smokes cannabis and has a baby. SHe is intelligent, educated and very relaxed. In short, she is a wonderful mother, doesn't smack etc. So the smoking isn't a risk per se, is it?
On the other hand, you know your ex. Does he get paranoid and/or violent etc? In that case it's the mental health issues and the violence which you would be reporting, not the drug iyswim.

Did the local authority's Social Services department who removed your dc from you deem him to be a risk to children and when is the new arrival due?

I know this is an awful thing to ask but what is he smoking? A lot of people do smoke cannabis at home so perhaps that wouldn't seem such a big deal. I know it's illegal but it seems even the police don't care about it these days. If he's smoking crack at home, I think that's more serious.

What are the risks? Was he DV to you and were your children removed due to DV or was it substance misuse as well? If they are smoking cannabis that on its own is not a CP concern but if the local authority is unaware that he has had another baby and he was instrumental in yours being removed then you must tell them. Focus on the risks that you know about

Also, this is second hand not first hand information so SS may not pay it as much attention as if (for example) the friends who actually witnessed it, reported it,

I wanted to add that it seems like you've been through a hellish time. I hope you are doing ok. It can't be easy.

This is true walk. I know that my friends would not have lied to me, and we all had our suspicions anyway (the distinctive smell among other things) but it maybe doesn't look as reliable, especially coming from me. I very much doubt that they would report it themselves, despite the fact that everyone strongly disagrees with what he is doing. They are all kind of waiting to see if he has changed or if he fucks it all up again, which I guess is fair enough but I'm just worried about what might happen in the mean time as I know better that anyone what he is really like.

Sakura, yes it is cannabis although he is a very heavy user. First thing he does in the morning is smoke a joint. Cannabis in itself is not necessarily a massive risk but it's how he acts when on it. He is completely apathetic and won't do anything except lie in bed till mid afternoon. He is quite easily able to ignore a screaming baby/child. Not sure if the DV and other issues he had were as a result of the drug use or if it's just him. He smokes it around his pregnant gf although I guess that is their choice to allow that. I'm 99.99% sure he will continue to smoke it around the baby. When SS found out before that he was smoking it he lied to them saying he had quit but still continued and I have no doubt he will do the same thing again.

Yes they did goddess, to the extent where he was not allowed any contact with them at all while they investigated. New baby I believe is due early next year.

Obsidian, they weren't removed directly because of DV but it was a contributing factor, he was also cautioned by the police for the cannabis.

Thank you Hebi, it's been very hard but it is getting very slightly easier. I have also finally got the guts to sign up for councilling, hopefully it will help me heal and move on.