Divorce advice

[Kolakubism]

I'm hoping that some of you ladies will be able to help me with this one.

My husband of 2 years and I have recently separated because I found out he has been cheating on me with a woman he works with. We have a 22 month old daughter. I'm heartbroken and we've tried everything to try and patch things up but it's not worked. He's still talking to her or in some sort of relationship with her, I don't know.

I'm going to have to start divorce proceedings at some point but I'm worried about money. Obviously as a single parent I've not got much available cash and I was wondering how much it costs for these types of things. Ideally I'd like to try to get full custody of our daughter. I don't think he'd have a leg to stand on given the circumstances really. Has anyone been in this situation and could offer advice? I'm heartbroken as I think this has been going on since Christmas and he's been lying to me and sneaking around since then. I've had to move out of our family home and back into my mothers and at the moment we have our daughter on alternate nights.

It's a massive step but I know it's for the best. Any help?

I separated recently too and have been looking at divorcing dh, from what I have read it can cost anything from £500 (simple divorce, basically just court fee's ), things get more expensive if you have money and property to sort out.

The cheapest way to do things is to wait 2 years ( I think you have to go to a solicitor to have something in writing that you have separated now ) then you can get a divorce for nothing ( or next to nothing ).

If you can agree a financial and contact settlement between the two of you then you can do it yourself for under £500 by just paying the filing fees.

"Custody" is an outdated term. You need to sit down with him and talk about who will have primary residence of your DD, or will you both have 50/50. If it's 50/50 then no maintenance is payable by either of you. At the moment it sounds like you're having 50/50 so unless you have a reason to fear for her safety when with him (in which case why are you letting him have her every other night) that would be likely to be granted.

If you can get an argument together and persuade him that you should be primary resident parent and he should only have contact 1-2 days per week, then he would need to pay maintenance.

Bear in mind the courts decide on what is in the child's best interest. It's not about the parent's right to see the child, it's about the child's right to see the parent. Nobody will care if he had an affair, if there is no abuse or risk to the child then he will get contact ordered. In fact at the moment if he is still living in the family home (why did you move out?) he would have a better claim for residence, assuming you're sharing a bedroom with DD at your mum's.

I don't fear for her safety when she's with him. I think she just prefers to be with me and he obviously wants to move on with his life and I don't want her getting attached to his new gf and then if they split or whatever (because let's face it, they didn't really get together in the best circumstances. She's married with a child as well and ironically he's got trust issues) I don't want my DD messed around.

I moved out because I can't stand the sight of him and I can't afford to keep the house on my own. I didn't really have much choice.

Oh and no, we're not sharing a room at mums. We've both got our own rooms.

Court costs will be the same whenever you apply for divorce and whatever grounds you use.
I would personally get on and file, for adultery. You don't need to prove it if he admits it.

There is no reason why he wouldn't get 50/50 child contact - the courts don't care about adultery - especially as that's what he has now.

I'm sorry to kick you when you're down, but you need to be realistic - you cannot control you daughter getting attached to this or any future partner of his. I know it's shit. My daughter really likes her dad's girlfriend and calls her daughter her "stepsister". Hard for me when I know he's cheating on the girlfriend so she may well find out and ditch him But you know, there's not a lot you can so but be there got her. FWIW, my daughter coped OK when I split with my post marriage boyfriend.

If you want more days with your daughter, and you honestly think it's better for her (my daughter prefers seeing a lot of both parents) then I'd start, before divorce discussions, with proposing different arrangements to her father.

You really should have at least one solicitor appointment though, as you have a child and property.

Kolakubism * I wrote this bit for another thread it might be helpful to you.

So very sorry to hear that its all crashed after just two years:( I'm sure that your devastated and heartbroken by his actions. I am not a lawyer but it does seem to me you'll have the upper hand in this. I will suggest that you have a look at the website alluded to at the end its one of the best around. You don't have to wait two years as suggested this amounts to unreasonable behaviour. You start the petition for divorce and he has to defend it and very very few do. Its usually taken that if you wan to end it then its all over. Suggest you ask around for a good solicitor and take some legal advice, most will give you a free initial consultation and advice on what to do but be strong, easily said and not so easy to do:!.

adorably2014 * sorry to hear that your marriage has hit the rocks, If you have decided to end it then that's fine, you do not have to prove anything you just petition the court and that in itself is good enough reason.

A marriage petition can be defended but very very few are.

Then its down to the financial settlement. In brief everything that has come into the marriage over its duration is referred to as Marital property. Sometimes stuff that either party has bought in is generally considered not to be part of that. It can vary.

Then the assumed spilt is 50/50% BUT there are a LOT of factors that can swing that one way or the other. A major part is the children and they are the courts first concern and they are accorded a lot of importance. The courts don't seem to be that bothered about the parents and these days just because he had an affair or you did even that's of no concern nowadays no fault is where its at.

If its deemed that you are the best person to have custody of the children then you will need a home and its very often the case that you will be awarded the family house unless theirs enough equity in that or spare loot around that both of you can split it and be housed but more often than not wife stays but husband moves elsewhere. Then he will almost certainly have to pay maintenance for the children's upkeep and possible you as well though that's changing in recent times.

You and he with have to fill out a form E where you both disclose your wealth and belonging and pensions stocks and shares cars etc loose cash looted treasure the lot!, and woe betide either party if they don't come clean that might have a prison sentence hanging over it!.

You will have to tell them how much you spend on mortgages rates heat and light food car transport etc etc then the court can decide what you should be awarded. However sometimes you maybe able to decide this between yourselves not all divorce causes go the full way to court for most men its a big risk the judge is judge, jury and executioner he can say husband give her everything you have or even the other way around but usually where young children are involved mum has the upper hand.

Best bet is to ask friends in your town if there's anyone to be recommended divorce is common these days so someone will know someone.

This is an excellent site its written by Roger Bamber who is a world authority on the matter. You will find there info about most all aspects its well worth a read. Collaborative law is more the thing these days where its trying to agree on the issues involved rather then the adversarial fight you see on TV court cases and its now realised that a possible collaborative settlement is best for bother parties and the children long term.

Its not pleasant but at the end of the day you will be much happier and if handled well you might be on better terms with your ex I am and in a way its been a good thing

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