Ideas for a couple of months of "me" time for someone uncomfortable with that

[Betty89]

Hi.

As a bit of background, I have some issues being an over-achiever, after a difficult childhood that might belong in the stately homes thread and have always felt subtly not good enough and like I have to be the best and prove myself.

I have some serious intimacy issues after a breakup a few years ago that really left me too scared to get close to anyone since. I haven't enjoyed living alone and got a flatmate who's just left so I'm lonely and not enjoying the quiet.

I throw myself into work and social events but am lonely and don;t really have anyone at all I am close to.

Due to curcumstances, I find myself with a couple of months off work and a bit of money and freedom and wanted to try and make this a turning point where I started to love myself a bit, be happier being alone and maybe get myself into a place where I might be ready to love someone again.

Does anyone have any idead of maybe some things that are really positive about living alone, or some fun experiences or challenges I could set for myself to maybe try and enjoy life a bit more instead of just working and existing? I never really relax and am always busy with some project or another but feel life is pasing me by and I am hiding from it.

Ideally what I want is a loving relationship, but don't feel ready because I am scared of being hurt again.

Thanks

Thank you all.

I did put only minimal detail into the post but really what I did was to throw myself into activities, hobbies, constant motion really without any real intimacy with anyone - I am not alone very often but also feel like no one truly knows me.

I did go to counselling and got some CBT but it was short lived for three months and I went with a view to practical ideas to feel better - hence all the wild activity.

to be honest it has made me feel better, but what I have been doing (I know) is running from what is inside and the hurt, pain, poor self esteem and issues that run deeper than 12 counselling sessions.

The idea of this time off terifies me, doesn't make me happy, so I thought it was about not planning a mad trip off or volunteering or "doing", but more about finding ways to enjoy being alone.

I did meet someone I quite liked but ran away from the situation. The intimacy just scared me. We are still in contact though and I'd like to say that the dalliance there was a trigger to finding way I could be happy in a relationship because I know that;s probably what's missing.

You need to get with a counsellor with whom you can explore the deeper issues here and work on what needs work.

You already know this.

I would feel mental with two months off work. So I'd probably challenge myself to learn something during this time, and it should be something that I can turn a profit from (that's just me though.) I already have a lot of marketable skills (no false modesty here, haha) so I'd probably also do some freelance.

12 counseling sessions may be enough for some but for others is just the beginning of a long journey.

Had the same as you, a limited number of CBT sessions, felt ok temporarily and then it all came crashing down when things went wrong. I am now having regular sessions, have been going since last summer. It's slow progress but it is progress. I do think you should get this going in your timr off.

Counsellor. Don't run away. You're reluctant to get intimate/ personal. It's time to open up to a friend about that as well as a counsellor. Talk about your need to please/ succeed a little, learn their fears. Bond that little bit more.

It probably won't help, OP, but I'm the same. I've been "learning to be okay by myself" since March.

I did as much travelling as my budget allowed and then threw myself into work, which I'm still doing. I am good at my job, stressful and annoying as it is at times, and that is keeping me going at the moment.

I have learnt things I can do to keep myself busy and I am no longer scratching the walls to get out, I can settle my mind by going for a run or painting or something, and on days when I really can't cope with being by myself anymore, I just sleep far too much.

I'm not sure if there is a magic answer. I have no family and I do see friends and colleagues but I don't feel any of them really know me. I'm struggling with counselling because most have suggested we leave it when we get down to what damaged me in the first place, and I don't have endless money to keep trying.

The loneliness is crippling. Keeping busy and then sleeping have become my defaults because I don't think I could ever just live with it, it physically hurts. But I do think a lot of it comes down to your personality and I thrive off having someone else to talk to, to look after, to just be there.

Work keep trying to get me to take some of my leave, I've saved it all up this year, but I think it'll all fall apart if I do. I'm fighting it. I don't know how I'd cope in your situation.

"I'm struggling with counselling because most have suggested we leave it when we get down to what damaged me in the first place, and I don't have endless money to keep trying."

Woah wait, that sounds very wrong. What is it that the counsellors are refusing to deal with?

OneBreath your words could have been written by me. You should take some time off though. It will be painful but you need a break, even if you just use it to sleep and watch Neighbours.

I'd start with a couple of weeks/month at an Ayurvedic yoga center in Kerala (there are many) & take it from there.

Sorry to hear so many other feel the same. It is sometimes esier to busy yourself and push aside what is really going on, isn't it?