Getting ripped to dhredsby my narcissistic ex

[awana]

Hi all. Just having a horrendous time with my abusive narcissist ex. Going through a divorce at the moment and he's just ripping me to shreds with all his lies

I just don't know how to cope emotionally with it all.has anyone been through this and survived? My son is in tears today as I told him he has to spend more time and Xmas with him ( Judge decided).

He's being financially abusive by several hundreds of thousands of pounds, and laughing about it all with his new girlfriend and her new family

Im really fed up. Just don't see a way out, and I don't think bad karma applies to him!

He's already ( literally) disabled me with all the abuse.
I thought I was feeling a bit stronger now, but having such a wobble, and can't cope.

Anyone there who can help?

I don't have any practical advice, but I couldn't read and run; you sound so low.

and hand-holding for you, he sounds like a prize cunt. He may be laughing about it with his new girlfriend now, but just think - she has to live with him. You're free from him now; she's stuck with a narcissistic, abusive wanker for the foreseeable future.

Sorry you are going through this. Time will go by, he will be able to affect you less and less, he will just disappear from your life as an annoyance. Good luck to the new girlfriend though. She has it all ahead of her.

My son is in tears today as I told him he has to spend more time and Xmas with him ( Judge decided).

He has already lost in the things that matter. If I felt for one second one of my children would cry at the thought of spending more time with me, I would know that my life was a failure. DH would feel the same. as Jackie Kennedy once said if you fail as a parent, nothing else you succeed at much matters. honestly even though you have a ways to go, you have your son who loves you and the ex will matter less and less to anyone in time.

Hang on in there, honey - all things must pass and you WILL get through this.

Do you have a shit hot lawyer and is your stbx stupid arrogant enough to be laughing about how financially abusive astute he's been on any social media sites?

What is the current state of play regarding the division of joint assets? Have you attended mediation to neogtiate a financial settlement?

Thanks all. We've been to court twice for finances. He's lied about everything. hasn't paid child maintenance for 3 years. lying about the value of his house. Pretending to sell it when he knows he can get £200k more for what he's put down on the form E.

I'm not sure he's bragged about it on FB or other social media sites as i've blocked him!

Canyouforgiveher - I suppose it's bad now, but things will get better in the future...and DS does love me loads.

I obviously can't get STBX out of my life right now, but will be able to some day. I suppose that there's some consolation in the fact that he's always going to be a complete c**t with a small dick!

actually, thinking about it, might be good for me to name change as he probably has seen some stuff from mumsnet that was in my file that the Cafcass officer conveniently left for him to read...see you all in a different guise

You will get through this. Be kind to yourself. You are already the winner. Your son recognises the parent that he looks up to (you). As Ive discovered kids aren't stupid.
I get through it by feeling sorry for the new girlfriend. I/you know what she's getting,she doesn't.
It's hard now, but it will get better.
Big hugs x

It will get better I promise, as I was discussing with my first husband's subsequent wife, (now divorced) over tea and cake the other week.

It is astonishing how things can work out, really, truly.

I know how vile and terrifyingly frustrating it is at the time though.

Keep the long perspective as much as you possibly can. Try meditation, centre yourself as much as you can. Practice mindfulness, be in the here and now, and notice the sunsets, the feel of grass between your toes, the smell of your children.

You have love in your life.

You have everything. It doesn't look like it, but you really do. You have everything.

Hugs. Just keep swimming, as Dory says.

What orders has the Court made and have any independent valuations been made of the house with regard to its current market value?

OP keep strong and keep believing that everything will work out in the end,

@queenoftheknight

you made my day

how well you put it here in a very calm manner, love it

He can say whatever he likes. However, he has to prove what he is saying is true.

If you believe the house is worth more - there is nothing stopping you getting your own independent valuations. You take nothing at his word.

Mine spent an absolute fortune to thwart disclosure. It didn't work out well for him. He got ripped to shreds in the final hearing (and I was embarrassed to have witnessed that - after all I was still married to the cunt). A huge part of my final hearing was trying to determine how much could be added back because of his wanton and reckless spending.

I was treated with compassion.

I stuck to my guns throughout - did I get my 50%? I will never know. What I do know is that I got a helluva lot more than he was prepared to 'give' me. His 'open' offer to court was 1/10th of what I walked away with.

And he ended up paying a huge chunk of my legal costs on top of that - which is rare.

And I had to fight very, very, very hard for that. I was a wreck throughout my divorce. But 'needs' are more important than 'wants'. And that's what I focused on.

So what I learnt along the way is to totally and utterly dismiss what 'he says' and focus on what you need. Make yourself (and your child) the only important things. I know, personally, how hard it is - but that's the only way to cope with it in my view.

Am I 'happy' now? No. I'm doing okay. A year ago, I would have killed for 'okay'. But if I look at the progress in a year - just imagine how I'll feel in 2016!

I promise you this hell ends but it is one helluva slog to get through.

Take care.

Thanks all. it really helps to get a longer term perspective on things. I know one day it will be over, but my heart really bleeds having to comfort my son because of what someone who can't be bothered to believe us has decided.

This nightmare has been going on for 3 years. STBXH has this amazing knack of acting like a victim whilst messing around with contact, not paying child maintenance, being physically and emotionally abusive etc. The problem is that everyone has believed him. From social services through to Cafcass. I provided a six page document with 27 pieces of evidence, and they still agreed with him.

I suppose I can look at it as I've already survived everything he's thrown at me and I only have the last hurdles to go through now. Looking back like WellWhoKnew, I guess I have achieved a lot, but it just seems to be relentless. I can't even catch my breath before the next thing comes along. That's what makes things so tough...

I have the benefit of over a decade of hindsight. I sometimes don't know how I got through it, the lies, the cafcass nonsense, social services, the courts, over and over and over...but I did!!!!

I KNOW how tough I am. I know, and more importantly, my kids know, that I will jump through endless hoops of hellfire for them. Because I did. Imagine what that does for a child's self esteem?

These days, I look back and I AMAZE myself with my courage, my tenacity, my intelligence, my...well, I could go on and on, but I am pretty bloody awesome.

And I KNOW that you are too.

Just keep swimming.

And he was shagging my mum too. Nice.

I look down at those slugs from a great height these days.

Queen Good God!

Totally agree with the others, you are strong to deal with this sh*t.
My ex lied about property, income, everything. .In court it came to me, after 3 long years, that I have what money can buy (nice as it is) . Honesty, great friends & family, respect of my daughter. ..All free

Queen, that's horrendous

Well the last report for the court described me as resilient and resourceful. I clearly am, but the driver for ALL of that was the love for, and of my children.

You have that awana. That, ultimately, is all there is.

As one of my kids said....."you can't break love".

I may have something in my eye.......Ahem.

Queen. My god, I thought my thing was bad but yours is another level entirely. My mum has been inviting STBXH round behind my back, and they all go out for dinner with the entire family except for me. She loves to get at me but I suppose she couldn't take it to THAT next level (probably only cos he wouldn't shag her.)

In any case, I'm shocked...

Thanks for putting things into perspective. If you can get through that, I sure as hell can get through the shit that I'm going through.

At least I know there's another side....just can't wait to get there.