I have always been really sensitive and pick up easily on other peoples emotions since I was a child. If people are sad, down or angry I pick up on it quickly and while this sounds fair enough I think I pick up on it too much and really take those feelings on board. I also have a tendency to panic and worry that it is my fault the person is unhappy and feel responsible for their distress.
This is especially bad with my partner of 15 years. He is a quiet man but usually even tempered but at times he does withdraw a bit due to stress or tiredness and seems distant from me. When this happens I always really panic I start to think it is my fault he is unhappy that he is thinking of leaving me and I worry that he is fed up with my being sick or my not making any money or my weight (all things I know I need to fix) or the fact that I cannot have children.
I have very low self esteem, always have self loathing even and I do panic that he is going to leave me even though perhaps just a few days ago I felt loved by him. Our relationship used to be a bit rocky and in recent year has been so much better, wonderful even but the minute I sense an iota of unhappiness in him it sends me into a bit of a tail spin.
I have always been a bit like this since early childhood, I grew up in extreme poverty in the early part of my childhood with very stressed parents and at the time I was old enough to know they were unhappy but not old enough to understand why or that it wasn't really my fault so I did blame myself and that is a bad pattern I am in. I can see that this thinking leads to my low self esteem, my poor self care which reflects in my weight and health. I have had therapy and medication in the past but nothing ever made much difference.
It is just bad tonight because my partner seems down and a bit withdrawn and I asked him about it and he wouldn't say anything other than he wasn't unhappy but that he wasn't happy either rather just getting by, I then asked him "is it me" and he replied "what are you talking about" in an annoyed way. I didn't want to push it because I know in the past I have pushed him for answers only for him to take me to task and I just can't handle hearing it. I also think that at times he just gets angry at me for being so over sensitive.
We are happy most of the time but I worry that deep down he is unhappy with me, that he doesn't really love me and that he feels trapped with a fat, useless, barren woman. I think we are happy most of the time but it doesn't take much for me to feel very unstable.
I don't think I am depressed as such I just mostly hate myself but usually I just ignore that and get on with it but I just wish I was a better woman for my partner and that I didn't feel so insecure that eveytime he felt down I panicked.
What do I do?