Struggling with lovely new boyfriend after abusive LTR.

[JasmineBuckles]

I left a really awful relationship three years ago, he was physically, financially and sexually abusive. I was with him for four years.

Since then I've had a short relationship with another man, not abusive but a bit of a player, ended that as I could do without the head-fuckery.

New boyfriend of a couple of months is so, so nice. Actually seems to like women, which is a start. Likes non-porny sex, compliments me all the time. If I get round to his late from work he runs a bath ready for me when I get there, doesn't eye up the waitress when we go out, or comment on the appearance of random women in the street, or rate my friends in order of attractiveness. He doesn't drink to excess, or gamble, is solvent, has a plan for the future, wants kids. His friends are nice, as is his family.

I can't get used to it. I'm waiting for the catch to reveal itself, and it's making me participate in the relationship one step removed IYSWIM. I am uncomfortable having him over to mine, in case he won't leave when I want him to. This is irrational, of course he would, but I still don't have him around, I go to his and never have more than one drink so I can leave if I have to.

I don't sleep when I stay at his, he's noticed this. I often get a panicky feeling that I have to talk myself down from when he cuddles me in bed or on the sofa. The only way I can sleep is if he doesn't touch me at all, he goes to sleep not touching me but often rolls over and puts an arm round me and then I'm awake all night.

I know I'm struggling with the affection because I'm not used to it, but he's noticing things like me trembling sometimes when he's cuddling up to me. He doesn't know it's because I'm panicking.

Sex I'm fine with, it's great, although I won't let him give me oral . He's a good man, how do I just accept this and get over myself before I fuck it up?

Hi Jasmine
It sounds like your previous relationship was absolutely awful. It's no wonder that you're feeling so anxious with this new guy (who sounds awesome btw)
Have you had any counselling since you broke up with the other guy? Have you told you current fella that you were in an EA relationship in the past?

I would try and open up a bit more to this man you are with.

I would also look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this can be a great help to women who have been in abusive relationships. Men like the ones you describe bar the man you are currently with can take an awful long time to recover from.

Hi Jasmine,

It's all to easy to be once bitten twice shy - I've been there after ditching an ex similar to yours.
Give yourself time to build trust in your new man. He sounds absolutely deserving and worthy of you. If he doesn't know about your past EA relationship, tell him. If he's a decent guy he'll understand and be patient with you.

Good luck!

I could have written your post. In fact I think I did under an old user name.
He bought me flowers which is what my EA ex did in the beginning and I completely freaked out.
He spoke about future plans very early on which to me was EA future faking. We have actually carried through with those plans.
He declared his feelings a bit too whirlwind for my liking.
He's actually a nice 'normal' guy who I am very happy with.
But... it took ages for me to relax.
The position thing in your situation is that you recognise EA for what it is and as someone on here said to me is when you recognise and see abuse for what it is you can't unsee it. Its a shame I didn't see it sooner.
At some point though I think you do need to let your guard down a little. There are no guarantees to the outcome of a relationship with or without abuse present.
You only need to read the threads here where a seemingly healthy relationship has been turned on its heels because of gambling or infidelity.
You have to trust again at some point and I think the suggestions of freedom programme and/or counselling are definitely worth considering.
Good luck

As pp have said, can you open up to this man?

My experience is that a truly nice man will do whatever you need and move at whatever speed you're comfortable with.
Once when me and DH first got together we bickered about something tiny in the car. He reached for the glove compartment to get a cd and I freaked out, demanded to get out of the car and had a full on hyperventilating panic attack at the side of the road. After that I told him everything about anusive ex and he stepped right back and let me take the lead. Funnily enough, him giving me the control made me fall completely in love with him

If you've had a history of abusive relationships, I wouldn't worry too much about conducting yourself one step removed TBH. It's your brain's way of ensuring you are thinking with enough clarity to pick up any red flags.

It may be that you're just not ready. Many people have to go through a phase where they see red flags when there aren't really any, before they finally find a new objective balance that works for them.

It may also be that you're moving too fast. If it's a new relationship of only a couple of months, there is nothing 'struggling' about not yet being comfortable staying over, or not having more than a couple of glasses of wine. Being at a stage where after a bad day at work you go to the home of a new partner of two months who's run a bath run for you is quite intimate and 'established relationship' IMO.

It's still very early days and you're still in trust-building territory. Don't rush. Take it slow. See how it goes and when you feel you want to share your past history rather than feeling like you owe an explanation for your behaviour - that's when you know you're ready to open up to the new man and confide in him.

Good luck. For now, keep it a bit lighter and just enjoy the bits your comfortable with.

I'm another one who could have written your post; I had a hideous ex-boyfriend of almost four years who sounds similar to yours, I then ended up with the nicest guy I've ever known. It does get a bit easier, but it takes time - it's only in the last year (of two and a half) that I've felt comfortable giving my opinion or saying something that contradicts him and knowing that I won't be shouted at. I do still apologise for everything a lot.

I would give it time, and long term tell him what your ex was like - my OH was really understanding once he knew the extent of it. It really does get easier.

Thanks for your advice. I saw him yesterday, we both had quiet days work-wise, so spent the afternoon on the sofa and went out for dinner.

I didn't explain the gory details of the ex, but did say that my last relationship was fairly abusive, and that he had to proceed at my pace and understand that sometimes I'm going to react differently than he thinks.

He then asked if that's why I don't sleep when I'm at his. I admitted it probably was and he said that he'd go in the spare room if it helped, or he wouldn't be offended if I just left.

This sort of reassured me, and I did sleep a bit. I still think he is actually a decent man, and I should hold on to him!

Good, his reaction speaks volumes.

He sounds lovely. I'm glad you had a talk

Oh.. and the baths!! My abusive ex used to run me a bath. My new boyfriend ran me baths. My god did I panic!! But the baths are still running from both sides...
If my children come home from school soaking wet I run them a bath because its a nice thing to do and I do it for my boyfriend too if he's been working long hours. It is intimate but not necessarily a red flag.