DH mentionitis about a colleague, I complained, now she is a small elephant in the room. WWYD?

[magnificatAnimaMea]

Generally our marriage is fine, secure, loving etc. But i feel very unattractive to DH, he clearly finds another woman attractive, and since I blew up about this, now she never gets mentioned at home, though he still sees a lot of her at work. Is there any way of improving this situation?

DH was initially attracted to me when I was more career-successful and hard-headed than he was; over the years his career has gone well and mine has disappeared. I now "work from home" doing "freelance" work, i.e. I don't have a proper job any more, I have no confidence, I hardly ever mix with people, I don't get to talk to anyone about anything much. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I need to retrain into DH's field to be able to get a job where we are, and I am deeply dubious that this is going to be a success on any level, because I've never found his area interesting and I'm no good at it. However I'd be even worse at the (limited) alternatives.

DH has gone from strength to strength in his career. He gets to mix with people all the time, he is confident, sociable, can back up his opinons, etc. etc. and his colleagues are all similar. One woman in particular is delightful, insightful, confident, charming, facilitatory and generally an all-round nice person. She's married, not that that necessarily makes any difference. DH's face used to light up whenever he mentioned her and the marvellous work they do together. Basically he had mentionitis about her in an unbecomingly teenagerish way.

At some point we ended up arguing about something else, and I let him know that the mentionitis was very unbecoming and that him lighting up at the mention of her was pretty obvious and very depressing.

He has not said her name in my company ever again. But he continues to work with her. This week there's lots of work with her and her old supervisor, who's visiting them. Lots of social stuff too - and I am unsurprisingly not invited to any of it (it might be a reasonable expectation that i might get invited to some of it).

Is there anything I can do about this other than shut up, grin and bear it, retrain, become more attractive and confident myself, and continue on with my life? I'm aware that I'm in about the worst possible position to be worrying too much about this when it may not be a problem at all.

Im no relationship guru sadly but I definitely think that you need to make some changes to bring out your inner shine.
I've felt like you in the past. You don't mention if you have children - I am assuming you do given that you are working from home.
When I became pregnant for the first time I had a well paying job in media. Fast forward 3 years another child later I became an assistant in a greengrocers. I loved the job but I was no longer financially independent and I slopped around in jeans and hoodies. I felt I had lost 'me' and that reflected through my whole demeanour
i don't know what your husbands field is so its quite vague but is there any way back into your previous career.?
My relationship didn't survive but thats because he was an EA twunt however I did forge ahead and am now running a ltd company with a modest turnover and I am happy with who I am.

I'm begin deliberately vague about fields and reasons, but no, there's no way back into my old career now.

The old me that had a career and occasionally felt good and fabulous was 5-10-15 years ago. No point digging out old clothes and trying to regain that feeling - I no longer fit into the clothes. Currently have a broken ankle so getting fat, unfit and depressed because i can't exercise. Can't afford a gym membership. Have got myself into a stupid social situation where two formerly very close friends have both flounced off because I didn't invite them to be part of a thing I'm organising, but all the people i did invite are all friends among themselves and don't bother socializing with me.

It's just a crap week. I'm sure things will improve eventually.

You sound very negative. This isn't a criticism. It spirals. I think a chat with your GP might help. I'm NOT being an armchair psychologist. Let them the professionals decide if there is anything they can do to help.

Sounds like the colleague situation if the final straw in a list of things that are making you feel crap at the moment

I think you need to break the situation down into smaller tasks and tackle them one at a time and I get the feeling that if you feel more confident in yourself, DHs colleague won't be an issue. Do you have any evidence of anything between them or is it just a bit of hero worship because she's good at her job?

Hope your ankle is better soon, have you got any hand weights at home? Or even tins of beans?! You can sit and do some arm exercises while your ankle heals and think about trying a mindfulness app like Headspace, it might help with the general feeling of being frazzled.

Good luck OP!

Well, who said you can't afford a gym membership? I'll admit that there's are a few professions where, if DH is doing as brilliantly as all dat, he might not be earning to match. But I doubt it in this instance.

In other words, I detect a whiff of "his money" in the mix.... And you know the words that will be following hard on the heels of that.

Preemptive - it's more that I can't drive or cycle, and getting to the nearest gym is stupidly expensive and time-consuming on buses. DH is also in one of those professions where doing brilliantly really doesn't equate to a salary that can easily support a taxi and gym habit for me, on top of normal expenses...

everstrong/donajimena - I think you're right. I've kind of lost the me that I like, and probably, the me that DH likes.

Last week I felt very hopeful of finding me because I was starting up a musical venture that looked really exciting (nothing terribly special, just got together a choir of good singers for a concert of stuff i've always wanted to do). But that's now all been overshadowed by crapness, and may not happen: it's resulted in the loss of two close friends, the people involved are being vile prima donnas, and the guy I asked to conduct has lost interest (and there's noone else available except one of the prima donnas who "isn't sure whether he has time" or not).

I think that DH's colleague probably isn't a problem. I think it's actually me, feeling crap, frumpish, lost, and really, really irritated with lack of exercise. I'm doing core and upper body stuff, but the only way I've kept depression at bay for years has been running, swimming and cycling; and music - and I can't do any of them.

Sorry you're having a rough time, OP. Being out of action is hard at the best of times, it sounds like a struggle. Your ankle will heal and you will get back on track though.

The choir thing also sounds like a 'mare. Could you do something similar but without the stress of organising, like going to a church choir or pop choir or something, until you're up and running again? I do something similar, a class of something a few times a week where I just go, follow the instructor and then leave, it's great because I don't have to think about anything while I'm there and gives my mind a break. I only know people there on a superficial level which is a bit sad on the one hand because I don't have deep friendships with them, but on the other hand great because I don't need to deal with their egos and foibles if they have any!

You mentioned that your husband stopped mentioning the colleague at all as soon as you said it was making you unhappy. Some people may have a different opinionand read it differently, but I think this is a good thing - he is responsive and sensitive to your concerns, which I think is supportive. Could you talk to him about how you are feeling generally? If it's reasonable to expect to be invited to his work socials, have you spoken to him about this? If not, he may not realise that you would like to go.

I think the very first thing you need to remember is he is with you.

Secondly, as you already recognise, part of the problem is how you are feeling. The limitations of your geographical situation are hurting you very badly if you are unable to progress with your own dreams and aspirations. That simply isn't fair and it needs to be addressed. It's all very well for your DH to have this brilliant, wonderful career - but it shouldn't come at the expense of your wellbeing in this way. I would think about either relocating somewhere that suits you better, or perhaps doing some really radical thinking about other hopes and dreams that you might pursue. Few people have just one vocation - so perhaps this is your time to take a risk and do something totally different with your time?

Thirdly, I don't think you should feel bad at all about blowing up at him about this. I know it's fashionable to say that such things indicate some kind of insecurity or desperate problem for the marriage, but I don't think that's necessarily always the case. Sometimes there can be an overstepping of boundaries that is almost unconscious - at least, the person doesn't realise that it's not quite inappropriate/isn't even thinking of infidelity of any kind but is just sort of under the charisma of someone else. And being brought up sharply about that is not necessarily a bad thing.

I would try to raise the issue again, but in a quieter and more controlled kind of a way, where you articulate how his silence is making you feel, and the way that it magnifies rather than reducing the problem. The key thing is to make it clear that this is about how you feel, and not about any accusation against him in terms of his behaviour. I imagine that if he gets sight of your pain facing this he will be quite shocked and will rush to reassure you.

if this colleague is happily married maybe making her a friend would be the wiser move. Could you and your h invite her and her h for a meal after your ankle has healed ?

You come across as being very black or white in your thinking, no grey areas. It can make things seem a bit harsher than they really are IRL.

And there's nothing wrong working form home either. I do and have to go and see clients from time to time and in a way I'm happier in my own office no commuting for miles either no long train journies everyday.

Sounds like you might be becoming a tad depressed this can be intrinsic and due to external factors. I expect that the musical venture might be a bit of a PITA and of course other people will be involved bet there will be the odd primal Donna or three but that's the way of any society and it does seem you perhaps ought to be out and about mixing with other people if you can find any decent ones. My social group is very small I've weeded out the ones that only want you do do stuff for them and there no bloody help when you need them.

Your ankle will heal, you will loose a bit of weight you will tone up again you will be more happy inside but only if YOU want to girl;!.

and finally I wonder how he might feel if his ever-so-wonderfull job came crashing down around his ears or he was made redundant. I wonder who he might turn to in his hour of need and support, that fluffy bint at his office or that great lady he has at home;)

Now ponder that if you will:)

Thankyou everyone for the support

Everyone has said sensible things; and now that the cast is off my ankle and I can swim and ride a (stationary) bike, I do feel miles better and more able to manage everything.

DH's colleague: probably not a problem. Might think about making a friend of her when I've got a bit more into the field (no particular reason to do so at the moment)

Music: getting there (also doing other choir things, taking comfort from them when prima donnas are being irritating)

Exercise: getting there (slowly)

Career: well who knows, but may as well retrain as sit round moping...

Thank you so much for updating. There is already a more upbeat tone to your posting. Keep on with the new you (for you). Of course the knock on effect will result in a radiant and positive you.
All the best

Op. Go and get a job

Wow brenda OP has a job. You didnt RTFT did you? You are not nice
Now, brenda you can 'get a life' jog on now dear..

Weirdo.

She has a job she's not happy doing. Get a proper job outside the home where you have equal status and pay. And meet people.

Apologies. Why didn't you say that? Your post was very abrupt. I do like 'weirdo' haven't heard that in years

Cheers for your refreshingly direct approach Brenda. If it's not too much trouble, may I redirect you to what I said in the original post?