Hi all,
As the subject says, my parents and my partner are on the brink of a full-blown war and I'm not sure how to cope.
I should maybe start by saying that my mother is a narcissist. My childhood wasn't terrible - I wanted for nothing - but although the physical things were there, the toys, the sweets, the emotional support was not. My mother also has a problem with alcohol.. not in the sense of being an alcoholic but more in a sense of when she drinks, she becomes angry and will lash out at those closest to her (one particular unpleasant experience on my 23rd birthday when she called me drunk and told me she wished I had never been born and I was no daughter of hers).
Anyway, I digress.. I met my DP 5 years ago and we bought a house together 3 years later. I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with my parents now is terrible. Possibly as a consequence, my DP's relationship with my parents has been very rocky. I won't go into great detail as I'll be here all day but it has gotten to the stage now where my mother tries to be polite but you can tell she really dislikes my DP... while my dad totally ignores him in the street. My DP has understandably had enough and now wants nothing to do with either of them. I could probably cope with the situation if they were civil with each other for my sake but it has gone past that stage.
My DP is just so angry with them all the time. It is almost all he talks about. He doesn't want them round at our house anymore (not that they come round at all anyway unless they want something) and he keeps talking about how he wants me to "cut all ties with them completely". Before anyone jumps in with "Oh, that is a sign of him being controlling" I don't think he means never speak to them again, he means things like, for example, we are storing some of their furniture for them since they downsized in April.. DP now wants rid of everything of theirs and is willing to chuck it all out in the street if necessary. He is constantly dwelling on the way my mother treats me and how out of order my dad is being for ignoring him and I know DP probably has my best interests at heart but I just feel like telling him to back off because he is becoming just as overwhelming as my parents are. 
I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this thread.. I just wonder if anyone has been through something similar? How did you work through it? Do you just accept your parents will never have a relationship with your DP?
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How to cope when my parents and partner are at war.
DaniBubbles · 16/09/2015 01:57
"Yes I am still trying to keep my parents sweet. Part of me thinks if I make the effort then we can have a nice normal relationship like I see all my friends of a similar age have with their parents. DP reminds me that these sort of relationships are two-sided and if my parents aren't making the effort with me then it will never happen. I know what he's saying is true but I feel like I'm still my 15 year old self and don't want to hear it. I have thought time and time again about cutting ties with them but I never do because what if we could have had a great relationship and I prevented it? I crave that from them so much."
And this, right here, is your problem. You are stuck in the "good girl" mindset I mentioned in my previous post, and desperate to do things that your parents will approve of, that will make them love you, that will make everything all right.
It is never going to happen.
Your parents are never going to be the ones you want, the ones like your friends have - you are never going to have a great relationship with them, because if they haven't managed to give you love so far in your life, then they're never going to.
As for your future children - how are you going to feel if your parents treat them like they've treated you, like they treat your DP? Ignore them, belittle them, despise them - I can tell you now, you won't like it. You'll be heartbroken all over again that they can be so cruel to little children.
OR, if they are really twisted, they WILL love your children, while continuing to despise you and your DP - which will REALLY stick the knife in and make you wonder what you did wrong? Answer: nothing. Their behaviour is their fault, their choice, their problem.
What you really need to do, IMO, before even marrying your DP (and if I were your DP I'd be thinking twice about that, tbh) is get yourself some counselling to break the mindset that you have in relation to your parents.
They ARE toxic and you don't want to bring that dynamic into your would-be marriage and your future children's lives. Counselling now will help sort all this out before another generation is affected by your parents' shit. Please please please look into some counselling - and in the meantime, if you haven't already found it, go on over to the Stately Homes thread, which is for children of EA parents - people like you. 
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