Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It has finally hit me I am alone

23 replies

jezestbelle · 15/09/2015 22:41

Been divorced many years. 21 yo DD 3rd year uni. Now 18 yo son has gone too. He went away last week, left home and left the country too. I can't believe where the years went. I love my life and my children like I hope you all do, but how did this happen? The shy boy who would only speak to me is now a young man in another country with another life..I am happy for him.but my God this is an adjustment.

OP posts:
featherglass · 15/09/2015 22:59

It's a shock isn't it OP? And leaving the country as well Flowers
Do you have interests, work, community involvement etc to keep you occupied?

cozietoesie · 15/09/2015 23:08

It sounds as if it's time to rediscover yourself. Smile (After being 'Mummy' for so many years.)

Who is jezestbelle ? What sort of person is she?

jezestbelle · 15/09/2015 23:38

Well thanks for the posts. I am happy for DS especially after all he has been through. I just wonder how it all happened so quickly. He is in a good place but he is changing so much and I'm not there to see it. Somehow I find that hard.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 15/09/2015 23:58

It's surely hard - especially after this length of time. How long have you been bringing them up on your own?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 16/09/2015 00:40

It's your time now. It's a credit to you that they have grown and flown!

This is your time to be you now. Enjoy Smile !

amarmai · 16/09/2015 14:46

but they're going to be part of your life all of your life, just not living in the same house as you all the time. Don't worry , you'll still be part of their lives too. They're just ranging further afield.

springydaffs · 16/09/2015 18:17

Oh love! I know just what you mean!

I still look at women with buggies and I am incredulous that my time for that has gone - but, surely, it was such a short time ago?? I cant believe it's over. Did older women look at me when I had my brood and feel the same? I even have to bite my tongue and not say 'Treasure this time, it goes so quickly!' But it really, really does. Like a flash.

I'm a few years in from the kids going and I can say it gets easier - over time. I thought I'd bound into my new (free) life with joy... but it wasn't like that. It was a major and fundamental adjustment and it took time.

It looks like we both did the job more or less single handed - hence the screeching adjustment when the time comes. I can say, though, that I do enjoy a deep sense of peace these days. It took a while though.

I don't think you can hurry it tbh, it just does take time. Grieving, really - for a life that has gone. I enjoyed it immensely and it's hard to accept its gone. I remember my aunt (also a LP) telling me that when her youngest left home she climbed into his bed and sobbed. He would never know that, of course, but it was a comfort to me that someone knew how I felt.

I have found that being alone is one of the best kept secrets - but it took a while to find that out. I'd still, in a heartbeat, like just a moment of the hubbub of my babes at home welling up here but we did a good job, yes?

amarmai · 16/09/2015 19:01

lp here to tell you -the buggies come back with gcc in them! YY to the best kept secret!

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 16/09/2015 19:20

I'm looking forward to my 14 year old one day leaving......I even know what I'm going to do:

  1. Travel during term time
  2. Not buy groceries
  3. Decorate in cream and white
  4. I can simply jet off to anywhere anytime
  5. I no longer have to make baby sitting arrangements

My 21 year old is back from Uni, he's been home for 5 months and I know I'll miss him the minute he goes back but I can sleep easier when he's gone.....when he's home, I'm always worried about him when he's out. I worry he'll get in a car accident, I worry he's partying too much, I worry that he's not eating right.....when he goes back to uni it's "out of sight, out of mind"!

One would think my kids are a handful, but my kids have been an absolute joy, I'm extremely lucky to have such good children.....I love my children, I know I will miss them, but the above list outweighs everything else....I'm counting down the years! WHOOOOP

CuttedUpPear · 16/09/2015 19:20

I am there too OP. My two are spreading their wings and I am alone a lot.
I thought that this would be the ideal time to really get things together with DP but he doesn't seem to care about us spending more time together, let alone living together.
It all hurts.

springydaffs · 16/09/2015 19:46

I had that list, too, Beyonce! I told everybody about it. I knew EXACTLY what I was going to do...

Didn't count on being side-swiped when the time came Confused

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 16/09/2015 19:48

Didn't count on being side-swiped when the time came I hope it wasn't a man!

springydaffs · 16/09/2015 20:29
Grin
jezestbelle · 16/09/2015 20:51

Thanks for the lovely messages. I know it is the beginning of another part of the journey for me. I just spoke to him on Skype and now he tells me he's got a girlfriend and is spending this weekend with her family "down the country" (he is at Trinity College Dublin). FFS this was the boy who was too shy to go to his Sixth Form dance a few months ago in case he actually had to speak to a girl. Next thing he'll be getting married! Secretly delighted for him as he is so happy, it is just an adjustment and a big one at that. God I need a g&t now!!

OP posts:
Justaboy · 17/09/2015 10:04

jezestbelle . cheer up!, sounds like you've done a very good job bringing him up, well done to that lady:)

Yes where do the years go?, I'm in my early sixties now divorced and last wife was the second generation children and no grandchildren just yet and not it seems that likely yet as daughter by first marriage can't find a decent bloke shes very fussy and picks bastards that are no good for her!, just wish she'd find a decent bloke she is, she tells me, brooding;!. Still I'm still busy and very interested in work but have it in mind to go out and find the third generation lady well marriage/relationship that is. Hell sometimes feel like i could go thru it all gain!. Mad or what;?.

Best bet, keep yourself occupied. You have a lot to give as yet can you do some voluntary work make some frieds like that? I'm involved in a group that brings me into contact with younger people and i like imparting that experience that having lived a bit brings, its all part of life's happy plan;!.

Whatever happens best of luck and don't dwell on the negatives accentuate" the positive" do you hear;!"

ImperialBlether · 17/09/2015 10:09

When will you see him next? Could you book a cheap day trip to Dublin and ask him to show you around?

Olddear · 17/09/2015 12:42

You've done a great job, but they always need their mum! My mum died 20yrs ago and when life becomes a bit overwhelming sometimes, I wish she was here with her wonderful advice and ability to sort it (me!) out. Pat yourself on the back, you should be very proud!

springydaffs · 17/09/2015 18:54

Hang is on a minute though.

Yes it's good to focus on the positives - but it's good to make space for the grief and the loss. It is real.

Admittedly my post was gushing and emotional (I'm poorly, in my defence..) but that bit of it is real: the loss and grief is major. It takes a lot of getting used to, no getting around that.

That said, though I wouldn't go with the 'cheer up!' advice, it's good to fake it till you make it. Major adjustment ahead, get busy. But let yourself grieve.

jezestbelle · 18/09/2015 21:23

Yes I will grieve. It is natural. But all.so sudden. My shy boy has gone, in his place is a confident man. I know this is how the story is supposed to end, but proud as I am, it is just so emotional..

OP posts:
RudyMentary · 18/09/2015 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrstweefromtweesville · 18/09/2015 21:30

Get together with some other older women and have a laugh.

mrstweefromtweesville · 18/09/2015 21:32

Sorry, that's a bit incomplete. Not now. The grieving is important. But when you're ready, it really does help.

0dfod · 18/09/2015 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread