Leaving husband and preggers??

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I need your help please.

I met my husband at 18, we married young and we've now been married five years. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Whenever we go out I compare him to my friends' husbands/partners and have to persuade myself he's not that bad - ie they all have their faults too, I'd rather be with him than them. He's not a horrible person, he'd never do anything (intentionally) to hurt me, he's lovely, but I need more than that. I am very driven - I want to be the best at everything (of course you can't be, but you always have to try!) - he's a 'good enough' person - why bother making an extra effort if what you're doing is good enough. It means I'm always frustrated and exhausted as I feel like I have to have energy for both of us. I need someone to challenge me, to excite me, and he just doesn't. I've felt this way for years, and nearly left before we married because of it. But I didn't, because when we talked about it he was really upset, and I hate upsetting people. He was so convinced we were right for each other that he convinced me too.

Now it feels like I've sleep walked into a marriage, which is alright, but I can't help feeling there's more to life than just co-existing.

I had made up my mind a couple of months ago. I was going to leave, but then I found out I was pregnant (am now 7 + 2). I'm super excited about this of course, but it makes the decision harder and of course more important. What is more important, having two parents at home for our baby or having happy parents?

The main issue I have is that it hasn't ever been amazing. It's not like we've had it and lost it, so we could work on getting back to where we once were.

Financially I can stay in our house and buy him out. I don't need anything from him (can cover child care etc) on my own, so anything he pays is a bonus. He could not afford to stay in our home so it would make sense for me to stay and him to move out.

Whatever happens, I want him to be involved. He and our baby have a right to a relationship and I will do nothing to stop that - I only want to encourage this (would for example suggest that he lives in our spare room for a few months to give him loads of access to the baby). I want to do the best for a) our baby, b) me and c) him in that order. I just don't know what the right thing is.

Help me please!

In the nicest way. H living in the spare room whilst the baby is small does not sound good. He's had a previous conversation and got very upset. Living in the same house you'd either have him persauding you of your "togetherness" (which worked for him before) or havr to see up close the impact on the loss of your relationship on him (clearly huge).

Oh man. If you're the driven one and he's the "good enough" one, having a baby is going to exacerbate and worsen that dynamic. When you're doing stuff "by the book" for baby and he calls it "close enough" because "this is how I was raised and it didn't hurt me any," you'll be tearing your hair out.

You have the financial means to go it alone? Go it alone. You'll find another partner soon enough.

I miscarried and very soon after divorced my first husband, who sounds very much like your husband. The last straw was when he "good enoughed" himself into the police showing up at our door(!!!!!) to arrest him(!!!!) for a traffic ticket he'd let go unpaid for six months even though the money'd been in our joint account the whole time. I realized that if I got pregnant again, I'd have TWO babies to take care of, and one of them was way too old to be doing that crap.

I had this huge worry when I divorced him that he simply wouldn't be able to survive without me, since he relied on me for a LOT. He ended up moving 10,000 miles away, to Southeast Asia, and seems quite happy living the expat life.

Deciding to divorce him was the best thing I ever did for myself. I was like you: conflict avoidant in the extreme, hated people being sad over my actions. The first few times I tried to break our relationship off were before marriage, as well, and he convinced me to stay each time by showing me how devastated he was. Sticking to my guns was hard, and for the first month it felt completely unreal, but after that it was like a fog lifted ... and suddenly I wasn't conflict-avoidant any more!

I've been so much more assertive and willing to ask for what I need and want in relationships since my divorce. Now expecting DS1 with my lovely new husband, who has some of the nice, laid-back qualities I liked about my ex-husband but still knows how to get things done and do them right. I don't think I would ever have had the life I wanted if I hadn't made the big step of walking away from the relationship that clearly wasn't working for me (even if he'd have stayed in it forever).

Hmm I don't like the phrases "going it alone" or a pps comment "you'll find someone else soon enough". I'm sure you won't be contemplating anyone else. If you're unhappy you need to tell him it's over and firmly. It's going to be hard as he's losing a relationship with you and he's going to be missing out in living with his baby which will be hardest of all.

Having a baby will either emphasise you differences or change his attitude, who knows? It will probably be the first though. I assume he will be involved so you won't be going it alone. You will be a single woman not a single parent as you can co parent effectively as lots of families do.

Good luck op and congratulations on the pregnancy