Six years ago, I drifted into a relationship with a man that I found somewhat attractive on the outside but didn't like on the inside. Others find him very good looking and, in fact he is upstanding, conservative, hard working, smart, even athletic. On initial dates, I felt nothing and just went with that for some reason or another, weakness, immaturity, although he did feel something, because he drove the relationship forward quickly even while I was tapping the brakes, asking for time. He said it first, an "I love you", and I responded in my head with an "I like a couple parts about you and dislike a lot of other parts, too" and waited a year to say it back, to force the words out, the three words. Through engagement the third year, marriage the fourth, a home the fifth, I wanted out, asked for it, tried it, but got pulled back in with loneliness and fear, and the result was distancing between us. I also took contracts for work that included travel, lived in other cities, and formed a life with hobbies and circles away from him over the next few years. Except for budding careers, we didn't share anything in common except for her friends, so this did not come as a surprise. We were not good spouses, and did not model after successful marriages at all. My parents and friends warned against pursuing it initially, but it fell on young, stubborn, and deaf ears. So, we both ignored the signs, and the discord, and the isolation from friends and family, grew for a few years until we were basically roommates. Codependent business partners in life - not spouses.
Fast forward to last summer, and just when I snap out of this drift, I'm six months pregnant. I have nothing to lose in the relationship, it is uncultivated, distance, dry, loveless, empty, and I tell him that if pregnancy were not the current reality, I'd divorce, and he understands and empathizes, agrees momentarily. The shame of divorce, the legacy on kids, the fear of being alone again, etc, hits hard at moments like these. We seek counseling, and they recommended splitting given my lack of desire for the marriage ever, and then we drafted divorce papers that we agree on. He does not want this, and I feel terrible for leading him here, but put one front of the other. Since drafting papers six months ago, we have been coparenting very well together. He is over often, does not stay the night, and we are cordial. The loneliness of our past is no different than this current arrangement - we are used to it. I am not sure what to do now. He still wants to remain married, and give it another go while being more aware of each other, respectful, appreciative, supporting, etc. That sounds nice, but that's what he wants. I would prefer to start over, and am actually looking forward to dating and finding someone that I love. But I am torn, too, because everyday with my son, and having his father there as a constant presence (for him), sounds nice, too.
Would you stay in a marriage even if you never wanted it, and centralize on raising children rather than leave at this point? Again, I live separately, have papers in hand, and am ready mentally. But I just don't know. I am aware that divorce causes the most unhappiness initially, and discomfort, but have also seen it result in wonderful families, love, and life afterwards.