I think my husband has feelings for a co-worker! Help!

[DCE15]

I'm going out of my mind and have no idea who to talk to anymore, so I'm hoping someone here will be able to help me!

I have this feeling that I can't get over, I think my husband may have feelings or something's possibly going on with a co-worker of his. I gave birth to our first baby 2 and a half weeks ago, so I'm well aware that it could just be my hormones playing tricks on me but I just feel it's more than that. I went into his work place last week to show off our beautiful daughter and there was just something between them, they kept looking and smiling at each other, and not once would she look or make conversation with me. I've noticed he looks at her Facebook profile quite a lot, what reason would he want to look at that?? I've questioned him about it and he just says I'm being pathetic. I just don't know what to do. I'm at home trying to adjust to motherhood and I've got all that going round in my head. Does anyone have any advice please!!

Surely he should be being more understanding as you're only 2.5 weeks post partum? Have you asked him about the Facebook thing?

Someone who reacts aggressively like that (calling you pathetic) would make me think they had something to hide.

How's your relationship generally at the moment?

To be honest, I was all ready to say that perhaps you were over thinking, until I got to the bit where he called you pathetic.

Unless there's a long backstory where you're controlling and jealous, then in these circumstances any good, nice, reasonable partner would be reassuring you, possibly a bit concerned about your mental health (and I mean that in a nice way, given that you've recently had a baby and may well be sleep deprived and possibly a bit irrational), and asking what they need to do to put your mind at ease, not calling you pathetic. Massive red flag right there.

Did you have these suspicions before the baby was born?

Thank you everyone!

I'll be honest everything was completely perfect until our baby came along, which is why I think it may just be me and it's all in my head! Maybe I'm just being a little self conscious? I don't know!

I just feel that he's been so distant since our baby was born, and I know everyone says that men can feel left out and all, but that's no reason for him to be the way he is! He should be happy with his new little family right?

He say's I'm just paranoid and it's all in my head but I honestly feel like he's just decided that maybe family life isn't for him and he's not ready! (And well, it's a a little late for him to decide that if he has). He's always been hard to speak to about things, he's not one to open up so that makes it even harder.

Our relationship has been a little tough over the last week or so, but is that just down to a huge life adjustment, or is there more going on? I just feel that i'll never get an answer.

How is your husband constantly looking at a female colleague's facebook profile 'all in your head'?

How is your husband exchanging covert glances with a female colleague in your presence, and her making no attempt to engage with you, look at you even (while presumably his other colleagues made a fuss over the baby etc) 'all in your head'?

I used to work with a bloke who was having an affair with a female colleague. It was common knowledge throughout the entire company and everyone just accepted it. We even had a works social club which he was on the committee of, and they would turn up together for events. I liked the bloke, he was pleasant enough; didn't like the mistress much as she was brusque and hard-faced, but everyone just accepted their relationship and we minded our own business.

Then one day his wife came into the office with their kids and she was absolutely lovely, chatting and smiling with everyone, a really nice lady and gorgeous kids - sweet, polite .. just a lovely family. In the background, I could see this bloke's mistress and him exchanging those very glances you describe, and it was clear the wife didn't have a clue what was going on. Somehow me seeing his wife and kids in person brought it home what he was doing - and after that I found it very difficult to see him and his mistress in the same light, and I know some of my other colleagues felt the same.

Something's up OP and I think you know it. The 'paranoid' and 'it's all in your head' response is a stock response designed to make you doubt yourself.

Thank you for replying. What do you suggest I do? How do I go about this?

You have some options. You could do the following if you feel up to it: Check phone records (online?). Check his facebook messages, emails. Try to get hold of his phone and check text messages/ other messaging systems. Talk to someone you trust in real life. Adultery should be made illegal or a civil offence with huge fines, I sometimes think. (prepared to differ with others). I hate those women who knowingly have affairs with men in relationships. Nasty cows (and don't get me started on the men involved, I would be here all day).

I wouldn't ignore your feelings on this, don't put it down to bring 'hormonal' you know your husband, you know when something is not right.
To be honest in these first weeks after the birth of your child your husband should be gazing at you with awe and admiration for carrying and giving birth to his child, not acting strangely or bring distant, and certainly not making cow eyes at another woman. If you genuinely believe something is going on then you need to confront him, don't let him talk you round or tell you it's all in your head.

Even if there isn't, there's no way I'd accept my DH telling me my feelings and fears 'pathetic'.

Until such time as you get confirmation of anything else I think that's your biggest current issue. Why would he react like that rather than being reassuring and hurting because you're hurt and thinking he's capable of this?

Is he working late recently? Always have his phone with him? A lock on his phone?

Him calling your distress 'pathetic' and not being involved and supportive after the birth if your baby is the only thing that genuinely alarms me here. I don't use FB, but lots of friends and my own DH seem quite frequently to be on the pages of colleagues who are also friends. It wouldn't cause me any alarm in itself.

Was your visit to his workplace before or after you became aware of him looking often at her FB? If it was after, is it possible you imagined the significant looks because you were already suspicious of their relationship? Flagrant looks and smiles would seem a bit too obvious in front of you...

Is he often so rude to you?

Hmmm tricky one.

It's really not nice to call you pathetic. Unless you were being abusive, he should really cut you a little slack, bearing in mind you've just given birth!'

I'm naturally a jealous and suspicious person and I have to keep it in check, BUT I'm sorry, checking someone's FB page all the time is genuine cause for red flags and concern. The glances...I'm not sure. It doesn't sound great, but perhaps you were seeing more than was there. I would definitely do a bit of snooping though, given the circumstances

Oh and just wanted to say that a password lock on someone's phone, really doesn't indicate they're up to no good. I don't know anyone who doesn't have one and I don't think they're all having affairs. I'm not! My dp has a fingerprint lock on her phone and it's simply for security. If it's available on your phone, then why not use it? All I'm saying is, now you're in suspecting mode, try not to look at everything as a potential clue. You'll go mad. Easier said than done,I know.

Good luck. I hope your suspicions aren't realised and if they're not, I hope he's kinder to you regardless. If they are realised, do you have a good support network?

I've looked on his phone and haven't found anything. He actually caught me once and just went mad because I don't trust him, but to be honest at the minute I don't feel I trust him. I can understand why he went mad at that because if I caught him looking at my phone I would probably feel the same. I've checked all his accounts and haven't come across anything...but then again it's not hard to delete evidence is it? But I hate myself for checking his accounts because I shouldn't feel the need to do that!

I have no other evidence apart from his recent search on her account, and the way I saw them, which could be exactly what RuffWearer suggested.

But then I can't help feel that he hasn't tried to reassure me that nothing is going on, but is that because he's just mad that I don't trust him? Am I really just going crazy because all I'm doing at the minute is sitting at home feeding and looking after our baby! I just don't know what to think anymore.

Have you got anyone you can talk to in real life? You can check pockets for receipts, check online phone records. Or you could ask him for the truth or you end things with him. However, it is not for sure that you would get the truth- they minimise or there might be nothing in it.
You could do all of the above until the cows come home.

It really might be worth talking this through with someone, a friend who would not try to defend him, or an impartial listener. Is there anyone you could do that with?

I have plenty of support from family and friends, so I'm never afraid of being on my own because I know it'll never come to that. But I am terrified of losing the man I love. I just worry that friends and family will put it down to paranoia or postnatal depression...being a new mum does take its toll on things. That's why I found myself posting on here (it's the first time for me!), but I feel that sometimes it's easier to talk to people who don't know you and can't judge.

For now, you have no proof of anything so i would let it go but keep an eye on things.

He isn't going to admit anything, they never do and even when caught out they will only admit the bare minimum.

He may be up to nothing at all and it is in your head.

Yeah the strong reaction re: Facebook says to me that he's hiding something. From personal experience I've been through the whole 'you're pathetic, you're mental, you're imagining it' thing, and it sent me almost to the point of breakdown. Turns out I was right all along. Your gut instinct is there for a reason. Please trust it

I would say that instincts exist for a reason and if yours is telling you that something is up, then you should take note.

Men who are looking elsewhere tend to be nasty at home and deliberately cause arguments. It ofsets their guilt to be able to blame their wife for the fact they are looking elsewhere. They are detaching from the primary relationship so they dont have to fully admit to themselves what they are doing is utterly wrong.

I would get hold of old phone records. Look through bank statements. It might be that nothing has happened yet but the cow eyes and him being mean when you've just had a baby are not good signs

I would drop by as a 'surprise' to meet him for lunch one day. See what he's doing and how he handles that. Ask if you can borrow his phone ( is he guarding it?). If you're feeling like it check his phone, fb, emails, it's how I found out, and although it's breaking trust, my husband and I have free reign over each other's phone email and fb accounts because neither of us have anything to hide.

They probably just exchange messages on work email, easy enough to hide it that way from any prying wives. To me it sounds like your suspicions could be founded, OP. Pregnancy and immediately post-birth of a first child is a huge time for men to cheat. It's my opinion that a man who does this should be dropped like a hot potato!

If you have no proof and he is not likely to open up to anything, then I think you have no real option but to ignore it for a little while and just see how things go.

You say though, that I just feel that he's been so distant since our baby was born so maybe talk to him about this? Having a baby is huge adjustment. It's not an excuse for him to behave like a knob, but he could genuinely be having problems with the adjustment but not know how to talk to you about it, or even if to. Could you tell him that you're worried about how he's distant he's been and tell him that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by the new baby and wondered if he was too? He might open up if he feels that you're not attacking him but just concerned (and obviously I realise that you shouldn't have to tiptoe around a grown man, but hey, maybe just see what comes of that approach?).