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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you do this ?

8 replies

Patchworkpatty · 14/09/2015 22:25

I posted this on another thread last week. I posted because it was relevant for the thread but the more I think about it the more genius I think it is... If you were in this situation, would you consider such a bold move...

My work colleagues sister has just has almost the same happen to her. First day of school holidays her 'dh' decided to move in with OW. Left her with 4 dcs. 3,days later her elderly mother had a fall, she scooped up children, drove to his new love nest, knocked on door. They both answered apparently. She garbled a line about mother being seriously ill, and had to go. Would call when she knew the situation. Didn't give him a chance to say anything. Then strung it out for a month... Popping back for clothes and to see kids in between. The children only stayed one night at 'daddy's friends house' It wasn't the right place for them according to what he said OWnsaid. He moved back to family home, hadn't got any childcare arranged (Dw was SAHM) work gave him 3 days special leave and he had to use all his holiday up. (What a shame, no doubt he was saving some of that for romantic getaways) . By the time she returned OW had decided that she wasn't ready for dsc. - the scumbag even 'blamed' his wife for 'ruining his relationship' ! -talk about deranged ! She didn't take him back - is trying to get a job, they are sharing a house until divorce complete and another property can be purchased where he can fulfill 50/50 care. ) Huge high risk strategy, and dcs are not small (9-13), but why the hell not ? Why do men get to walk away ? Why is the mother the default carer.? How many men would just up and leave if they by default were expected to take the children with him ? - the funniest part of colleagues story is that being sisters they share the same mother. Who is apparently in great health.
In your shoes op, I would also have an 'emergency' and drop ALL KIDS with their df for a week, while you recharge your batteries.

The update is ( been to work today to get 'next installment ' ) colleagues sister has got herself a job and has made it absolutely bclear that as the dcs are half his they are half his responsibility, she has given him a half week schedule for when he is absolutely 'on' as the primary carer. He said he couldn't do it... She told him that she would have to speak to social services if he refused to look after his children !!! (Colleague says she is bullshitting of course but he can't be sure) I was a bit ?? at that but she swears she is just playing hard ball. After all what's the point in saying 'oh well if you won't, then I will, whilst you use your time to chase women.... Don't know this woman, but in my book she is a super hero.. Btw, kids are non the wiser to discussions between her and Stybx she has been very careful not to discuss in earshot.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 17/09/2015 18:12

She's a legend! If she sets a precedent here for future abandoned wives and partners it could change the world.

Totally impressed.

AWafferthinmint · 17/09/2015 18:14

Good on her, she sounds amazing.

fuzzywuzzy · 17/09/2015 18:23

She has balls of steal and I love the sound of her.

She is completely right, why are women expected to predominantly be the main carer when a relationship ends.

50:50 sounds fair to me.

Inexperiencedchick · 17/09/2015 18:27

She is brilliant!!!

Well done her.

Oysterbabe · 17/09/2015 21:05

No I wouldn't use my children as a tool to get at my ex. How did they feel about being dumped at a strangers house when they are already going through a difficult time dealing with the breakup?

TimeToMuskUp · 17/09/2015 21:13

No. I wouldn't be able to string out a month without tucking in my children at night, without bedtime stories, without hearing their news each day.

I agree with PP's that she has balls of steel, and good on her for playing hardball. But I wouldn't play hardball with my own DCs.

I also don't agree with 50/50 care when a family splits. DS1 is from a previous relationship and has a very solid base here in our home. He sees his Dad every few weeks for a night, loves his Dad and Ex and I get on very well. There's no way I'd be happy to spend 50% of my time away from him.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 17/09/2015 21:13

Oyster, I wouldn't say it's using her children as a tool. More like extreme practical parenting.

Loving the idea. Obvs not suitable if there's abuse issues, etc, but a great object lesson for most situations.

pocketsaviour · 17/09/2015 21:25

I don't think I could countenance using my children like that, especially in the confusing and emotional time around a parental split. Also, where was she staying? I like my home comforts and I definitely wouldn't want to be away from my own home for a month(!) just because I wanted to get one over on the ex.

TBH if he's now moved back in then I'd say it's backfired. Sharing a house with someone you're separating from is a fucking nightmare.

I definitely understand your point about women being "default" parents and I fully agree. I just don't think this was the right way to do things, or it wouldn't be for me anyway.

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