Starting to think I'll be single forever!

[NancyCaroline]

Just that really. I broke up with XP about 4 years ago after a 7 year relationship which didn't do much for my self esteem. I posted on here about it a few times, but not with this name or account cheers Jeff Since then I've had a brief relationship with a friend that didn't work out but it wasn't particularly serious.

I was perfectly happy being single until quite recently. I needed a lot of space after 7 years with XP and his issues but now I'd really like to settle down.

The catch is I'm not very lovable. I'm not particularly attractive, a bit overweight which would be fine if I had the personality to make up for it but in lots of ways I'm not a very nice person or particularly easy to get along with. I'm also massively socially awkward and although I seem confident I'm really really not. I tend to say stupid things a lot.

I suppose I'm just wondering whether anyone else had felt similar ans if there might be a light at the end of the tunnel!

You seem to feel you don't have much to offer.

Do you have successful, mutually-beneficial friendships? If so, you can't be that unlikeable. If you don't - what do you feel you need to work on? From what you've written, I'd say probably confidence, but you might think other things are holding you back.

Now, what can you do to gain those qualities you admire and want to have, and to lessen those qualities about yourself that you dislike? There are a number of tactics you could take, including reading self-help books, seeing a therapist (look for one who has experience in personal development) or joining groups where you think you'll meet people who have the qualities you want to cultivate.

You can also think about small changes you can make in your day to day life. For example if you think you are very negative and always moaning about things, practise turning those negative thoughts around. Every night before you go to bed, say out loud or write in a diary three things that you're grateful for that day. (Don't give into sarcasm! "The bus was on time... for once" just refocuses you on the negative days when it's not.) Keep doing this until it becomes a habit. You'd be surprised how effective it is at making you more aware of the positive things in your life and focussing less on the negative.

I do have friends, yes. Although it does take some time for people to warm up to me I think.

The part about the negativity rings true- although it's mostly in my head rather than said out loud. I do like the idea of trying to break the habit though.

I would just really like to be a nice person but I'm not. I over analyse and obsess about the smallest things. In an argument I'm like a dog with a bone- I can't let small things go. I'm also a bit short tempered and too over sensitive. Actually it's a miracle I have friends, let alone a husband!

"A nice person"
That's a very vague and subjective term.
Start thinking in terms of what you do, not what you are. Because people judge you by your actions (which include the things you say, of course.) People don't judge you for what goes on in your secret heart.

Did your previous partner(s) put you down with comments like "If people knew what you were really like, they'd give me a medal/nobody would like you"?

You can learn not to sweat the small stuff, as the saying goes. You can learn to stop obsessing over things (CBT is worth pursuing for this.) You can learn more productive communication skills. What you can't do is become perfect, because nobody can. It's okay not to be perfect. It's okay to be human, and have flaws. Nobody needs you to be Mother Theresa :) But you do need to love yourself before you can expect people to love you, and for you to return that love in a healthy way.

Nancy, are we twins regarding the personality (all my traits, and yes it didn't help me in my relationships, and I'm wondering the same re being single)?

I've chosen to work on myself rather than just give up on dating, and I have improved a lot - I find that patience and letting go of smaller stuff improves with doing yoga, it does train you to step away, but I'm still far from perfect, I'm just less vocal about my sensitivities and control my reactions better (most of the time). I think getting older helps also - especially with accepting some of your traits without feeling negative. Be a bit kinder to yourself.

Otoh I want to say to you that plenty of 'not very nice/easy-going/smiley women' do have partners who like and love them, if that's his type - yes it takes all sorts, ha. You need someone who is very tuned in to your sensitivity and doesn't aggravate it, a soothing personailty, and a sense of humour that's compatible really helps. Some men are used to this through their mothers/sisters or exes. So good luck, you do have a chance, but try to meet people actively. If you are dating online describe the personality you'd want.

YY to trying to control my reactions to things. I've lost count of the amount of times I've said the first thing that comes into my head and regretted it. Or haven't been able to let something go. Which then leads to me obsessing about it for days when the other person has probably forgotten all about it!

I just feel like I don't really have anything going for me.