Feel even worse after marriage counselling :(

[LittleConfused]

I have name changed for this, as a few friends know my normal name.

I have been unhappy for a while, had some personal counselling to get to the bottom of it.

Basically I am a people pleaser, and my sister is manipulative, so growing up I just kept quiet and tried to please my parents, as my sister was the one who got her own way, I was just in the background.

Anyway, I have been unhappy in my marriage for a while, I think because at first I got attention when I first met him, I saw it as positive that someone noticed me, that I just wanted to please him.

So I let him walk all over me. I thought I wasn't worthy of a nice relationship, that I must be doing something wrong. I basically put it back on myself.

I have never felt like he sees my side or tries to understand me. I'm not saying he has to agree with me on everything, but if my opinion is different, then I'm wrong.

Anyway after the personal counselling he said he would like to try marriage counselling. I felt stronger after my personal counselling, and liked my counsellor so thought it was only fair to him to give it a try.

I found it to be different than I thought. I just couldn't warm to the counsellor, and found it very difficult. We had 6 sessions, and by the end I felt like I had gone backwards rather than forwards.

I mentioned some things like him stomping around when he got back from a week away on a course. He said it was because the house was a tip and he had nowhere to sit down. I said I know I'm a hoarder, I've asked for your help to sort out. I will try my best, but please can you help me. (House clean but a bit cluttered) He said yes, and said he just wanted somewhere to sit at least (there was a coat on the chair when he got back) and I got my sister to help me have a big clear out. But every time he gets home I feel like it's not good enough, I feel uncomfortable in my own home!

I also bought something else up that bothered me (he wanted to go abroad for wedding anniversary, I didn't, so he sulked and wouldn't talk about it) he denied sulking and claimed we talked about it! (I know he sulked as he mentioned it to a friend after saying how miserable I was) If he couldn't remember fair enough, say I don't remember, but I apologize. But to just deny it, and claim it didn't happen? How can you work with that?

It basically felt like he was trying to say the right things to please the counsellor, and I just felt stupid, and didn't want to talk about things, I didn't see the point in arguing when he lied, I didn't have the strength.

So now I am having cbt, to try and build on my assertiveness, so I can try and talk to him about how I feel.

I really hoped the counselling would help us, but now I just feel even more stuck? If anyone has any advice I would be grateful

I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings but it's difficult to ascertain from your OP, where your issues end and the marital iissues begin. Can you give more specific examples of your H not listening to you because the hoarding example, sounds like you expect him to assume some responsibility for your behaviour, is there a particular reason that you couldn't tackle the clutter on your own?

I think with counselling things can feel worse before they get better, and in a way this means its working because you are processing stuff.

However, when you change, this can be difficult for other people. If you are trying to be less of a people pleaser, that could be quite challenging for your partner, who probably gets his own way because of that. I wonder if that is connected to him requesting couples counselling - where you felt unable to move things forward because of the dynamic in the room.

I don't really know what to suggest but maybe give the CBT a try and perhaps set some win/win goals for you and your partner to work on together. eg if you are a hoarder, could you agree to some rules about where you can store things and where needs to be kept clear, and he has to something equivalent that makes you feel happy and valued.