I had a massive anxiety attack this morning triggered by my H's behaviour towards me. It's only happened once before, about six months ago, when I didn't realise what was happening, but this time I read the signs and it was worse than ever, heart pounding, short of breath, dizziness, uncontrollable crying etc.
He is not physically abusive, never has been, but what could be described as EA. it's been fine since the last incident and we've been getting on fine, no arguments, nothing, but I think that's partly me being placid and not bringing up stuff for discussion. I knew though that feelings were lying dormant and that they would resurface.
If I describe the actual trigger, it will sound absurd, but it's based on the same old problem I have with him in that he, ever since I stopped work to look after the kids (by mutual agreement), has seen me as unimportant and belittles my work, which he doesn't see as work, undermining everything I do all day, seems to begrudge giving me money (to spend on the family, for essentials, not luxuries) and is totally unappreciative of what I do for him or our children. As if I could just be replaced tomorrow by some housekeeping nanny.
Anyway while I was in the middle of the attack (we'd been having a discussion/argument by email), as a cry for help or attention I suppose I just cobbled together a few words to let him know it was happening and that I didn't know what to do. He rang me a few minutes later by which time my breathing had settled down a bit, but as soon as I heard his unsympathetic voice on the other end of the phone, sounding more irritated than concerned, it sparked it off again and I couldn't speak and had to hang up. He rang one more time and we talked with me telling him exactly why I'd become so upset and out of control. It felt good to get it out in the open and I calmed down, but not once did he express any concern for me, take even a smidgen of responsibility for my feelings or why I reacted that way.
Anyway he came home tonight (not in the UK) and has just tried to talk to me as if nothing happened, as if everything is normal. Not even a pat on the arm, no physical contact, no sorry, no I don't want that to happen to you again, nothing.
I rolled over to try to get to sleep wondering if he would say goodnight, but nothing. He is so unkind to me. How did I end up with him? As soon as I am back in the UK I plan to tell him it's over but have no idea how in practice that works.
There is no point to my post other than I just have no idea who to talk to. I don't even need replies. I just needed to write it down and I know it sounds totally ineloquent and disjointed, and lacking information. My eyes and nose are sore and my head is all fuzzy.