My son's biological "father"

[Yamamama]

My son is 7 months old. He was conceived by my ex raping me. He had been an ex for a long time. I didn't go to the police as I didn't want to go through all of that, the shame of everyone knowing, a trial where it would be my word against his etc.

I met my oh when I was a couple of months pregnant. I knew he was the one for me immediately and my friends and family love him too. I didn't know I was pregnant. I had sti tests and a pregnancy tests and all were negative. I didn't discover the pregnancy until I was about 20 weeks. I was on the pill and didn't have periods. My oh said he would stay with me and support us, raising the baby as his own. I moved in a month before I was due. Our families have never asked him or I about it. He obviously can't be my oh's because of when he was conceived but they are all happy and love the baby to bits.

So, I have a wonderful oh who is my son's dad in every way that counts and we are so happy and have a great life. He brought me out of a deep depression and supports me and has never judged me. He was even there at the birth and looked after us both in the weeks after. But, I don't know what to do in the future with regards to what or when to tell our son. Nobody would want to find out they were made like that. Does anyone please have any advice? Please be gentle!

Oh OP I'm so sorry you suffered that - and glad you have support and a happy life now.

It's s tough one and I have no personal experience but I didn't want to leave this unanswered. There may be people along who have experienced this or know someone who has.

Personally I can understand never wanting him to know that it was a rape, but knowing that he had a different biological father may become important if and when he notices differences or wonders about it. And you might want it to be something he knows about and is relaxed about from early on. It could be something like telling him the bio father was someone who you knew before, you didn't realise you were pregnant and the man had left your life before you did realise. Then you got together with your partner and he became DS's dad.

But everyone is different, there is no one right way to do it - I think you have to work out what feels right for you.

Thank you for replying. I probably will do something like that. I suppose it will be something my oh and I will have to discuss and decide together. It all just feels like such a mess and it's so hard!

I agree with BoskyCat, he need never know about how he was conceived, but probably best for him to know that he is not your dp's biological son from the start.

When he is older you could maybe say that his biological father hit you and that is why you do not want to encourage a relationship with him.

Have you talked to WA about this? A friend had a similar situation with a pregnancy resulting from a rape, with no idea what to tell her son or the risks of him finding out later in life, and WA were very helpful in finding someone for her she could talk to for advice.

Yes I agree he needs to know he isn't oh's biologically straight away so he isn't confused.

Rumble I hadn't even thought of contacting them but I definitely will! Thank you.

Hi OP, sorry this happened to you.

I would recommend giving Rape Crisis a call as well for advice.

The problem with covering the truth up is that he may ask questions as he gets older or feel resentful that you prevented him from contacting his father, even if you tell him that his father was physically abusive. So you need to think the whole situation through and anticipate his possible reactions, which I appreciate is incredibly difficult to do.

It is a horrible situation for you and your DS. I have experienced something similar on my H's side of the family that was a big family secret and nobody ever talked about and only I knew the truth. When my H died I had to make the choice whether to carry on keeping the secret or to let my DS know the truth (this wasn't about my DS's parentage but it affected how he interacted with H's family.) In the end I kept the secret because I thought that's what my H would have wanted. I have still kept that secret even now my DS is an adult. I think it's better for him and I see absolutely no benefit to him in any way if he was to hear the truth.

Be prepared that some people may say "Oh you should tell him, he deserves to know the truth." Fuck those people, they're not living your life.

You poor thing, what a dreadful thing to have to go through.

I have a friend in much the same situation (she is the child of the situation). She found out purely by accident that she was conceived by rape - prior to that she didn't know anything more than that she was a child by a previous partner. Her stepfather raised her as his own, so much so that I was friends with her for two years before I clocked they were not biological relatives (she always called him Dad, he always referred to her as his daughter -at her wedding, the first thing he said in his speech was, "She is my daughter.").

She was of course devastated to discover that she was born of rape, and is having therapy, but she firmly believes her mother and stepfather (she considers him her father but I'm trying not to be confusing) did the right thing in letting her know only that she was not biologically his. It helps enormously to know that her mother loves her, does not regret having her and while she's not glad she was raped, is glad that she got her daughter out of it. I believe her mother said something along the lines of 'if I hadn't had something like you from it, it would have been unbearable, but as it is, you made me strong'.

She is still damaged from the discovery but she knows that's nobody's fault but the rapist's, and she seems to be making progress. She says she would have been quite happy going her whole life not knowing.

Your mileage may vary, of course, but that's one situation I know of. Good luck to you and your family.

Thank you for your advice and kind words. I think ot wouldn't do any good to tell him the circumstances in which he was conceived.

Sheba thank you for sharing that with me. Your poor friend. I agree with her mum. I am so so lucky and blessed to have my son and my oh. It has definitely made me stronger. Having my son also saved me from self destruction

hugs Glad it helped you.

Please remember that emotions are not binary and perfectly logical. They are complicated, just like anything human, and that's ok. It is entirely possible to be distressed by your rape and wish it hadn't happened, and still glad to have your son. Don't listen to anyone who tries to box you into one or the other. You are a human, not a computer programme.

Thank you. That's exactly how I feel but then I feel guilty about it. Which I know deep down is silly!

It's easy for me to say, of course, but you must find a way not to feel guilty. You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation and you sound like a wonderful mother.