should i write to long lost nephew....advice please

[dayattheseaside]

My beloved sister is close to her end of life.

For the very first time in many decades, she has spoken to me about her son.

Due to her personal and dire situation in the 1960's her then husband took the son of the marriage to his family, who wanted him, unlike my sisters family.

She never saw or heard from him again, and has spent her life with deep regret and loss for her child.
Last week, from her hospital bed she said his name, almost as though she had spoken to him earlier.

My question is this.

I have located her son, my nephew, who I last saw as a child myself.
Should I write to him, or should I leave well alone?

If he went to visit her, then never returned, would my dear sister have more sadness and regrets, resulting in her removing me from her life?

Or would I be opening a can of worms for them both?
I know what I would dearly love to do, to offer closure to my darling sister, to meet her son one last time,
But am I wrong to "interfere"?

Ask her?

When you say close to the end of her life, do you mean old or do you actually mean dying? Sorry to be so blunt but I assumed the latter until I read the bit at the end about what if he only visited once and never returned - does she actually have long enough for that to be a factor?

If she is merely old, I think it's her decision and you should let her know that you have his address.

If (as I think is more likely, given she's in hospital?) the end is quite near, I think you should contact him without telling her, so that if he declines to visit she need never know. If he only visits once - well, it's been fifty years and he has lived his whole life without her. The chance to see him one last time is probably as much as she needs at this stage. I doubt she will blame you for trying to make this happen. How sad that she didn't contact him years ago.

thank you for your replies.
When unexpectedly, and out of the blue she began to talk about her son, after a while I quietly said I know where he is.

She wistfully replied...he is probably a grandfather now...then changed the subject.
Sadly she is very physically ill, yet mentally totally alert.

I thought that tribpot...if I wrote to him and he didn't respond or if he did respond, but didn't want contact dear sister would never know.
It certainly could be closure for her, and she would see him for the last time.

Her childhood/adulthood was destroyed the day she lost her child, I suppose she became emotionally dead after that , just going through the motions of living.
.
She went on to be abused/isolated and neglected for the following decades, and it only now that she is opening up to me.
I am the only one in her sad world who actually knew her son, apart for her of course.
I can't imagine the pain she has endured.
I have written a short letter to him, but constantly re-written it, never feeling the heartfelt words are appropriate.
I want to contact him, for her, not myself, but fear it will make her so sad that she will finally give up her fight for life.

If I knew where he was I would contact him, no question. If she is close to dying then I would forego letters etc and go to where he lived. It probably offers closure to him as well.

If you don't, you and your sister will always have the nagging feeling of "what if". Better to be rejected than to live in purgatory.

Agreed - it would be a shame for him to miss out on a last chance to see his mother. Get a letter written - it will never be perfect but it's more important that it does its job and he knows the facts of the situation and perhaps explains that her sadness was lifelong, in case he's been told that she abandoned him willingly.

oh yes, I wondered if it would also give him closure too , i'm sure at some point he must have wondered about his mother.

through the internet, I found that my sister's ex-husband remarried shortly after they split up, and wondered if the little child believed his step mother was actually his mother? .

since I found him, and I have been searching for many years, I already have the feeling of "what if".

if I don't receive a reply, then I would feel at least I tried to reconnect her with her son.
it's likely to be simply a matter of weeks now, or maybe even less, so I need to decide right now, before it is too late.

as a 55 year old man, I assume that he has come to terms with his younger life, and maybe is quite happy with it, yet still have this feeling in the back of his mind...where is my mother....?

yes tribpot, I did wonder if he was told he had been abandoned, or even that his mother had actually died.
by the end of today, I shall write a short letter to him, post it, and ...wait....

I don't want to say that her loss affected her life as drastically as it did, in case he feels, somehow, it is his fault.
I guess I am going round in circles now.

You probably know this already but once someone dies, there is no going back. If he is 55 years old then he is more likely to be able to handle the situation with maturity. Sure it will probably open up a can of worms, but might also open up the possibility of grandchildren and other positive aspects.

When you contact them, they obviously have the choice to meet or not. I would worry about letters not being received or left on the shelf etc. Phoning would be a good alternative. It doesn't sound like your sister has long left and it might be a nice way to end things, after facing such loss in her life.

Good luck, I know you have her best interests at heart.

Yes, the last thing you want to do is reopen the question of who was to blame for the fact that she vanished from his life, so you could stick just to the facts as they are currently - she is very ill and has spoken of him, you would like him to visit but will understand if he chooses not to.

I would hope that at such a stage, blame would be the last thing on peoples mind.

Having said that one of the things your sister might be looking for and which might help her with her feelings is forgiveness from her son.

Why did you track him down and not contact him before? If you already knew where he was before she mentioned him, what were you planning on doing with that information?
Just contact him.

Don't want to read and run. So very sad. Just write a letter from your heart. Tell him she has always loved him dearly and if he wants to see her then it's not too late providing he moves quickly.

I hope this sad take has a happy ending with some closure for all of you.

It's got me feeling really sad.

I didn't contact him earlier.....I located him just a short while ago.... as my sister never spoke of her lost son, until last week, out of the blue.

Over the years even though I tried to ease her into speaking about him, it appeared to be a topic that should never be brought to the surface, and through her illness I didn't want to give her more pain.

I visualised him being at her bedside, and holding her, and giving her final closure, maybe even for him.
I have written a short letter now, and will post it today, and pray I am doing the right thing for them both.

there is still a tiny part of me that says to leave it how it has been for all this time, but then, the possible positive thought that it is probably the best thing I can do.

My dad located my great grandmother only weeks after she died, which meant my (adopted) grandma never had the chance to meet her. Real mother who had to give her up aged two. It was tragic. I think the risk of emotional turmoil is worth it just in case he does want this closure himself. I imagine it will be a great relief for her too to know that she at least tried.

Sorry, I have misunderstood your post where she mentions him out of the blue and you reply you know where he is. I was wondering why you knew where he was and assumed you'd already planned to contact him

once I had located him, I needed to consider my reaction to that knowledge.
but my sister had taken a turn for the worse, once more... but since then has become stable yet again.

so on her remission, that was when for the first time in decades we spoke of her son.

immediately I said I had located him, it was almost as though that news was too much for her to take in.

it's almost like she is "clinging onto life", for her personal reason, maybe it is that her last wish is to see her little boy one more time.
I will post this letter right now, and pray I am doing the right thing for them both.

I think you are right to send the letter. I hope there will be a positive outcome for all of you.

just sent the letter.
i'm sure I will be on tenterhooks for the forseable future, just wondering if he will read it and contact me.

well, I have done my best, and with the best of intentions.

How sad for your sister. I hope her son feels compassion and makes some sort of contact with you.
And poor you for going through this turmoil at such a difficult time.

You are doing the right thing for your sister. She will never have got over it imo. I hope she is able to see him again.

But prepare her carefully, of course, if he does want to meet her. My guess is the joy will take years off her. She will die fulfilled.

Bless her.

Well done OP, I hope it works out

Did you ever hear back?