Separation after miscarriage. Advice please

[Billi77]

Hello. Desperate for impartial advice.

My girlfriend and I had been together 8.5 years. For months we had been planning to have a baby with a donor, a gay friend who wanted non participatory role. Had been talking about it for years.
We started trying in April and got pregnant first time. We were both very excited and happy, I am not being delusional!
At the same time she started getting session musician work for a well known pop act. This means touring, 5 star hotels, ego massage, etc. was thrilled for her as she needed the career break. Was also 5 weeks pregnant by this point.
At 8.5 weeks we went for an early scan. No heartbeat. We were sobbing the whole night. The next day had a NHS booking appointment who referred us for another scan saying would be ok (!). Midwives.... That evening I remember sobbing, scratching at my face while she sat in the other room. On Twitter. I even heard a giggle or LOL, as it's known in those parts. This was a different person.
The next day scan confirmed the worst, the following day had ERPC booked. She came with me and it was all awful. Long 6 hour wait for op, put on a drop, lots of tears, contractions, etc
A few days later I went to italy for a cousins wedding. Subjected to narcissistic insensitive family. They mean well.., she couldn't come as was playing as a music festival. Photos all over Facebook, etc with smiley faces, etc.
Got back to UK After a lonely few days. Had basically pressed a pause button on the bereavement process. Don't do this, anyone, by the way. Allow yourself to sob and cry and be sad. It is so so sad.
I wanted a hug from her and she was cold and mean and I was irritating her. I wrote an email asking what was going on. She responded saying she didn't want a baby. The miscarriage made her realise that. We spoke and she then said she didn't want to be in relationship anymore. Total shock.
I went into denial. So much hurt and loss to process. Have been 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off in London ever since.
Oh and my donor friend and I are trying again. Negative in August, a few DPO now having tried earlier in the week.
I suddenly feel I'm crazy to be trying again although it felt like only way to get better, and could be pregnant again. And I have doubts about the donor. About everything. And I don't know how to act with her. She comes over to our home when I'm back and stays over but we don't have sex. I try and act cool. It's a disaster. We text while I'm away. There is so much love there but I've been/am being destroyed it seems.
Friends are mortified or saddened and never impartial. This is why I'm on here asking for help.
Have posted my woes before so sorry to anyone to whom I'm repeating myself.
That was very long....sorry

Oh OP I'm sorry. A miscarriage is a huge shock and stress and if there are relationship cracks then it can be something that fractures further.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. If you want to talk to me you can PM me. I can't imagine how you are with the bereavement of both baby and relationship together but I have been through the former and if you want someone just to chat to, who has been through that then please PM me.

Whatever her reasoning now, whether she's had a sudden awakening or whether she's terrified and in denial...it really doesn't matter. She needs to sort herself out and be sure in what she wants. You need to be sure in what you want too. You may not be able to have both her and a baby-even if she does change her mind. I know the desperate need and emptiness that makes you want another one, believe me I do but you need to also sort out your feelings for the donor- which you can't do while trying- and end this relationship cleanly. With her coming back as and when she feels like it, it leaves you in limbo. I think you should make it clear next time she wants to come home that the relationship is over and she needs to find somewhere else to live.

This could just be shock and denial, miscarriage can do that. But it could be just a long drawn out end too. If you formally end the relationship and she is in shock/denial it may well prompt her out of it. If not then she has the end she wants and you know where you stand.

Honestly, she sounds very unsupportive and mean, you don't need that right now. You need to be around loving and supporting people.

Thanks for the kind words. It is very tough indeed. I think it easy to sort feelings out for donor. It's just accepting my being a single parent. I have perhaps given him the role of the other parent since losing her, which was never part of the deal and being funny abiut him is an infantile way of pushing him away. He was and is and intends to remain a donor only.
As for my girlfriend/ex, it's just so difficult but closure is vital albeit petrifying.
I am also 38 so figured it would be better to have a child as a single mother when I'm not going to be looking for a relationship rather than look for a relationship as a means towards having a child. Never a good look, more a repellent. I don't know if that's evolved or silly. I like to think the former.

I think you do what's best for you Billi. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give so I don't see how having a child would be silly.

Closure is always scary but if you do want a child I suppose the thing I'd focus on is how rubbish and awful she's been towards you since the miscarriage- someone she's supposed to love. Now imagine what kind of parent she would be to a child making a mistake. Whether you are at different points or not, her attitude was very cruel especially given the timing.

I'd say keep trying. It was a six year gap between my miscarriages and my current (17 weeks and counting) pregnancy, due to divorcing after the miscarrriages and finding a new DH, and there wasn't a day in those years I didn't wish I was holding my baby. I felt in a multitude of ways like those years were "wasted" even though I did amazing other things in them--I still felt like all the amazing stuff had been a consolation prize. The women I know who got to try all over again right away were much happier in the meantime.

I spent those years horrified by the possibility that I'd never be a mother, and I'll never get that time back. I'd have done it single if I'd known how much pain it would cause me to see the anniversaries of my miscarried pregnancies' due dates tick by each year, how much it would hurt every time a friend announced a pregnancy or birth on Facebook, how it stung to say "congratulations." If your next partner and you are meant to be, she'll accept you with or without a child!

Thank you so much

I feel so sad for you. I've had 3 MCs, luckily all complete so no ERPC needed, but nonetheless sad for that.

I felt, reading your post, that your girlfriend had actually started to move on before your MC, that she liked the road life of a muso, and that she was starting to regret being "tied down" - so for her, the MC was more of a relief (sorry) because it got her out of an awkward situation. Which is why she was so heartless about it, and why she made the decision to fuck off so quickly after it.

Horrifying for you of course! But I think probably better she did it now? Give you a chance to settle into being single.

Now, you're trying to get pg again and doubting this is a good idea. Well - ask yourself the only important question here: Do you want a baby?

It seems you do - and you have a willing donor who doesn't want to be involved as a parent (could be a bonus, tbh) - but what you don't have is a loving partner who wants to be a parent either.

What I would want to know from your exGF is whether the "baby thing" is the reason she's split from you; or whether the baby thing is irrelevant. If it's because she doesn't want a baby but knows you do, then you decide what is more important, her or the baby.
If it's nothing to do with the baby thing, then all you have to do is decide whether you want a baby, and whether you can do it alone, and make the split permanent.

TBH I don't think she's being fair, keeping coming back to your place to stay over. Why is she doing that? You really need to sit down with her and have a deep heart to heart, before making any decisions.

And while I understand your "weirdness" with the gay donor friend, don't close that door completely until you know what you're doing. He'll probably cut you some slack because of your recent losses, but it won't last forever.

Good luck - I do feel for you - allow yourself to grieve your loss properly, and if it's helpful to you, maybe buy yourself a little keepsake for your angel baby. I have 3 tiny crystal angels. x

Thanks so much. I'm sure you're right.
I definitely want a baby. Always have. And it will be surrounded by love. The plan has changed dramatically and it's terrifying.
Did you manage to get to full term? I imagine I have a rocky road ahead But keeping fingers crossed and adjusting to the idea of single motherhood after 9 years of thinking things were going another way.
She has a gig on 1 October and really wants me to go. I shouldn't, right?

I think you should do whatever you want to re. the gig. If you want to go, then do - but if you're only going because she wants you to, then maybe not.

Yes, I did finally get my no.2, thank you for asking - he's nearly 3 now and a demon incarnate but cute as a button, luckily!

I agree with thumb, do what you want to do but if it's going to hurt you, if it's going to stress you out- don't. If you want closure, I'd recommend not but it is your choice. One thing I would be wary of is playing at being okay just to make her feel better about being so cruel and watching her possibly flirting with others, or worrying about the night a lot in the run up.

Sadly miscarriage happens more frequently then you realise until you have one or know someone who has. I know many women who've gone onto have healthy babies even after multiple MC, that's what keeps me going and trying. People just don't talk about it though and it can be very lonely and isolating on top of everything else.

for you.

PM me if you need anything or want a chat, I know what a minefield lesbian parenting can be.

Op I feel your pain. My last miscarriage was the beginning of the end of my marriage. Exh said 'thank god for that' when I lost the baby and as a result I didn't talk to him about how I felt. He used this against me as a reason why he needed out if the marriage - I had become distant.
Like you j had to deal with the loss of the man I had loved and supported for 16 years and the loss of a baby.
Give yourself time to grieve and if you can go none contact with your ex to give yourself some space. She seems to have let her success fonts her head - whilst still not letting you go.

There is still so much love between us. I know she is also suffering.
Bad experiences can break cracked relationships, but I guess they also test them.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me out. Every friend and relative I have is just so intertwined in our 9 year relationship and the 'outsider' view is so enlightening.
It is also such a relief to hear of people going on to have babies after miscarriage. One can't really ever have too much hope and every happy ending gives me more.