Getting over an affair

[TygerLeopard]

I have NC for this, but have posted occasionally about my DH leaving me about 10 months ago. I was devastated. I've propped up Hobbits Bar a few times too, and the ladies (and man) there have been great.

However, totally unexpectedly my DH has now asked if we can work things out. I am willing, but actually having thought I'd have him back practically at any costs I'm now struggling. I was sure and he swore there was no OW - but of course there was it turns out, and even when we were trying to reconcile he lied about that to me again (I found out another way and confronted him).

And what doesn't help is, he seems pretty lukewarm about it all. It's all about him having a crisis and being in a state and wanting to be sure. So now I'm back in limbo again, and I'd slowly been adjusting to the breakup and now I'm being sucked back in. I do believe the OW is out of the picture (but then I believed him last time!). I just don't feel he really realises what he's done to me. And he still thinks all the criticisms he threw at me justifying the breakup are valid.

How do we save our marriage (I want to). How do I find peace and cope with what he's done.

Here's the thing. It's very hard to reject the possibility of something like this when you feel you don't know if it could work out. It feels, perversely, like YOU are the one closing down the marriage. But it really isn't like that at all.

I am absolutely not a leave the bastard type and I also believe infidelity is so pervasive, in different forms, that there is no long term couple untouched by it over a lifetime, so I'm pretty realistic.

The things that stand out from me about your post are these:

You have namechanged rather than continuing an old thread. This suggests you are looking for different advice than you have received in the past. it's unlikely you'll get it. The details ARE important and it may be the problem is not how to repair your marriage but why and how you can find peace and cope with admitting it is over and releasing from his emotional dance with you.

The affair was discovered not admitted and then he lied further to you about contact. It takes a lot to come back from this, not just on the part of the betrayed trusting, but crucially on the part of the betrayer's character. There is absolutely nothing that suggests this has happened.

The lukewarm comment is a huge red flag, defining I would say. In my experience and from infidelity research, the greatest indicator of whether a marriage can survive an affair is the speed, passion and commitment of the betrayer to the original relationship and making amends and hearing and understanding the pain of what they have done. This smacks of the same sort of selfishness and weakness that the infidelity was an original symptom of, not an opposite force. He is struggling. He wants security and support, the OW is probably disillusioned and looking elsewhere.

It is admirable that you have been honest about the challenges even though you say so clearly you do want to take him back. It's tempting to spin it and ask for what you want to hear. The truth is this is not a good situation and I don't believe you can make the marriage work from this place.

I recommend listening to this podcast, particularly the first half for a view of the future to think about.

www.wbur.org/2015/09/11/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-five

It's all about him isn't it? Except the responsibility that is. The only way to get passed an affair is either a) end things or b) for the cheater to accept responsibility for the cheating and apologise and work on earning back trust then both people to work on any issues.

Don't go back to him. It doesn't sound as if he's sorry at all. Trying to pass the blame onto you stinks. If he was unhappy in your marriage he should have said something &put it right, not have an affair.
I know it's hard mentally making the final decision to finish your marriage
completely, but once done you'll feel calmer.
My husband did exactly the same as
yours.We were together 16 years. It's taken
me 2 years to accepting its over. He found yet another woman around 2 weeks after
asking if we could be together again. Made
me realise I was right not to go back.
You will be ok. Remember he's the weak one not you for being nice x

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like an entitled, arrogant dickhead.

Where is his heartfelt apology? Where is his promise to change and make things up to you? He's a fucking nob. Gather your self-respect around you and tell him to do one. OW doesn't want him and neither do you!

Bear in mind, if you took him back now, you'd only be postponing the inevitable. You've said yourself he's "lukewarm" - the only reason he wants to come back is because the OW's binned him off. Give it 6 months and the flash of another set of knickers and he'll be off again, and blaming you for it, again.

Don't put your kids through that. (I'm assuming you've got children as surely there's no other earthly reason to even think about reconciling with this lying, blame-shifting lump of knob-cheese.)

OP he doesn't want you. His relationship with the OW didn't work out so he's crawling back. But he's making it appear as if he's magnanimously giving you a second chance.

Please, please tell him to fuck off. You won't feel ready to. It will hurt like hell. And it will hurt for a while. But you will be so much better for it.

Consider it necessary pruning.

I had a husband. He had another woman. I threw him out. A couple of months later, he tried to come back. I wouldn't have him - because we'd both have been filling in time together while we looked for partners we really wanted. We'd ended it once, and we'd have to end it again. Once was enough. Don't go back, don't let him come back.

It's an awful lot harder to forgive than to walk away. Only you know if that is right for you. But be aware that you may be walking a much harder road. If it is what you really want, I wish you all the luck in the world.??????

Thanks for all your comments. Pretty unanimous!

For the record, I've not posted about this new development (him wanting to come back) so it's not that I've NC because I had advice I don't like, I'm just trying not to be too identifiable.

If we did work it out I would always have the fear that he would do this again. He has a long way to go to convince me otherwise. And when he left he blamed it all on little things (because he didn't have the guts to admit he'd met anyone else). I never understood really as none of those things were deal-breakers and could all have been worked out. Now I do understand, because he didn't want to work on the marriage, didn't want it to work out. But even now he suggested that all those little things were important, and I can see me tiptoeing round him for the rest of my life, worried that I'll again piss him off enough for him to walk out.

Oh dear. Not great is it. Thanks for making me face up to this, there have been some thought-provoking comments on here.

I don't believe one bloke is worth that

And particularly him

TygerLeopard please please don't even consider this man for you. He is a user and a cheater and a liar. Talk to people in RL about this and get some support to help you stay away from him. Get some individual counselling. Post on here. Keep busy.

If we did work it out I would always have the fear that he would do this again. He has a long way to go to convince me otherwise.- BUT is he trying to? He's not sorry, he's not trying to face up to what he has done toyou, he's not trying to put it right, is he? Please don't capitulate. He needs to do the work; don't let him off.

It's 'your fault' he walked after OW. It's 'your fault' it didn't work with you. It's probably your fault it didn't work with OW! And it'll be your fault he does it again, no matter what you do.

He is not committed to the marriage. You cannot make it work on your own - it takes both of you, really trying, really wanting to, really working together on rebuilding trust. He's not going to be doing that, is he? Regardless of 'counselling' and you twisting yourself up in knots to be what HE wants .

OP - I can also see you tiptoeing about him for the rest of your life (together), until he gets a sniff of another OW, and he will find something, anything (you look at him wrong/glance at another man in passing/say something in jest that he can jump on) that he can use to make it your fault he leaves (again).

He has not chosen you, he just needs a soft bed for a few nights.

I'm so glad somebody else has already mentioned ChumpLady.com - she's exactly what you need right now. Read her site from "cover to cover".

Don't. Just don't. I reconciled with my H after an affair but he was remorseful, ashamed and desperate to keep hold of our marriage. He never blamed me in any way. Even THEN it is hard. Your H doesn't sound like enough of a prize to justify the effort. Sorry x

You want to save the marriage but the old ways of doing things didn't work. Rebuilding a relationship is the way to look at it. It is up to you if you think this man is worth the work involved.

Sorry OP I see the two of you riding a tandem, unfortunately you are at the front prepared to put your back into this but he sits behind, letting you push the pedals but wanting to be in charge of steering!

Remember it is your decision whether or not to continue your relationship. DH, sad as he may say he is now, forfeited that right months' ago when he started this affair and when he walked out.