I am just really writing this to try and clear my head and make some sense of my feelings. We are together 10 years and I have always admired my husband and loved being in his company. I have been fed up by times with our relationship as we rarely have sex, we have spoken about it, I have explained to him how I feel but we always end up back in the same place where I initiate it and he goes along with it to please me.
I wait for the right time when he is in good form and the kids are settled (he is rarely in good form). He makes jokes and stuff when we are intimate and it puts me off, it is like he isn't really comfortable with it. Today, he started joking with me that I had big knickers on before we had sex then he started a row with me in bed and that put an end to it and I just felt like, this is what it has come too, he has started a row with me so we don't have sex.
He is generally in a bad mood, always stressed and aggravated by work and life in general. He doesn't like my friends and quite frankly it FEELs like he doesn't like me. I am always a bit anxious that I have done or said something wrong. I know if I said that to him, he would be aggrieved and claim it is nonsense and in a way, it is hard to put a finger on what it is exactly that make me feel he doesn't like me and why I feel so anxious of his moods.
I guess I feel quite unloved by him but I do know he loves me, I know that if I was sick or hurt he would genuinely care for me and feel bad for me. He minds me in many ways, we both work but I would never feel I couldn't ask for money should I need it, he is a generous man, he is a wonderful father, he does lots of stuff around the house and would sort out my car for me and the like.
I guess we are a great couple on a practical level and we make great parents together, but the love seems to be gone and the lust is certainly gone.
I do look well, I used to think maybe I wasn't attractive but I realise I am, it was quite a relief to discover I wasn't unattractive.
We had a huge row a few weeks ago and then fell out again today. I never feel that the rows are entirely resolved and the bad feeling lingers on forever really as the issues remain there just under the surface.
I know we should do the counselling thing, but we wont it would be very very difficult to convince him to go. We will just keep going as we are. I will continue to try to accept a crappy relationship because all the practical boxes are ticked but if we had the money to separate, I really feel we would not be together. It is probably a common enough story. It makes sense really, we can stay together, rub along beside each other, try to be respectful of one another and get on with it VERSUS one of us moving out, both of us being broke and most importantly parenting in division.