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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there something really wrong or is it me?

66 replies

lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 19:26

I've recently moved back to be local to my family, and since I did have just felt really down when in contact with my family or spending time with them.

My Dad, 64, is quite sexist. He thinks all books by women are not worth reading, he thinks fat women are disgusting (I am a size 14 - 16 and get the feeling he includes me on that list) and I have never really heard him say anything positive about a woman that ws not related to her tits or her being beautiful. He thinks housework is for women etc.

My Mum is 61 and stunningly beautiful. She looks about 40, is very slim and she has always been a SAHM and pushed her sexist views subtly onto me also. Like she has a go at me because I don't regularly offer DS (12) drinks and think he should go and get one himself. She is always maing comments about how my DS is not lookked after the way we were or whatever. I work and am a single Mum and my son is really well cared for by I do expect him to bring his plates to the kitchen and get himself a drink.

My brother 2 is married to a girl from overseas and a subservient culture and he belives women should hold their tongue around men. He has also made comments that he finds my weight gross. He says only skinny women are attractive and finds single Mum's to be "losers".

My brother 1 is twice divorced, and also only dates skinny and beautiful women. He has two children and so when his kids and my DS are at my prents house for sunday lunch I am expected to look after his kids also. I am also told by Mum to "get your brother a drink" while he lasy on the sofa. If the kids are being naughty (even his kids) she shouts at me.

Brother 1 is also extremely shady. Twice divorced. Banned from driving three times for alcohol and now lost his licence. 2 businesses went bankrupt. Didn't see his kids for two years. Had affairs on both wives. Openly sleeps with hookers -his last ex wife took the children to FIND him at the brothel and he also slept with my other brothers long term girlfriend. In the end he was so abusive to his last wife that she took off and left him with the children and is now being treated for a total breakdown - making him essentailly a single father by default.

And yet all my parents do is go on about how fucking wonderful he is. "Isn't he a wonderful father", "isn't he a wonderful businessman", "he stayed with so and so and they said what a wonderful house guest he is".

I, by contrast, have never had an affair, always done very well with my job, always supported myself and DS, always been a really devoted Mum and yet they never say a fucking word nice about me.

So today I was sitting there and brother 1 who is 44, rich (through shady means), fat bald, ugly and wears his trousers hanging round his arse and he is on POF looking at girls to date. They are all 25 and gorgeous.

So I said to him I thought he should look more around his own age instead of keep bringing these Polish and Russian whores into his life because he has kids to think about.

He said that he wanted a woman under 30 because any older was ugly (I am 38)

He said he wanted a woman who was a sixe 10 or less because he had a "weight limit" and anything else made him want to vomit (I am a 14 - 16)

He said he had no interest in personality, and only wanted good looks and preferred a woman who wanted him for his money so she would stay at home and do the laundry.

I told him that making those decisions when single was fine, but what abut his children.

Brother 2 and Dad totally agree with him and tell me I am basically a tree hugger and no man wants an ugly old fat woman and that looks in the number one most important quality in a woman.

He then tells my Mum I am picking on him, and she turns around and says to me she agrees with him too and why should he have someone ugly. It;s almost like she doesn't care at all about her Granchildren who have already been through so much with all the mental 25 year olds he shags (the last one was a cocaine addict who hit him and I had to go round in the middle of the night to pull her off him and phone police).

Then Mum shouts at me to control the children and tells me I am a drama queen when I got upset.

Is any of this normal? I feel like they are just all so shallow and sexist and I am made to feel like I am the one with a problem?

My brothers openly discuss women and their tits and shagging prostitutes and they are so demeaning to women it makes me sick.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/09/2015 19:47

And you're hanging around with these people, why? I know they're family, but I would be down to duty visits at Christmas and a card for their birthdays.

Creatureofthenight · 13/09/2015 19:52

I'd move back to where you were before if I were you. Possibly further. Your family sounds like a bad 70s sitcom.

TheMarxistMinx · 13/09/2015 19:54

You have a 12 year old son, stuff what is best or nice for you, just get him away from these dreadful people.

springydaffs · 13/09/2015 20:09

Bloo.dy.hell.

Leave these Neanderthals. Can you buy back/rent your old house on the other side of the world from these dreadful dreadful people
Dear God, get your kids away from this shit. They're ALL deranged.

IonaNE · 13/09/2015 20:16

Why on earth would you move to be near these people, OP? I'd move as far as possible, both for yourself and for your DS.

pocketsaviour · 13/09/2015 20:18

Come and visit us on the Stately Homes thread. We have plenty of dysfunctional family tales to tell!

Briefly, I'd suggest lowering as far as possible your contact with these people, who seem to be stuck in the 50s.

Well done to you for managing to break free of the stereotyping that's been shoved down your throat since you were a baby.

lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 20:25

They honestly act like I am the one with a problem, like I am in airy fairy land and not accepting reality. I have had it for so long it actually feels normal.

I have real problems with men. Can't seem to settle with a decent one and I have such low self esteem from being filled with ideas that I am too fat, too old, not good enough.

I didn't want to go today but DS is not that old tat they text him and he loves them. in a lot of ways it's s loving family. Dad comes round to put up shelves, Mum sends over a meal she's cooked, Brother 2 brought round his old PC monitor when I needed one.

It's just they are all so shallow, so looks orientated. I feel disgusting when I look in the mirror nd feel a bit like I hate men

OP posts:
lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 20:26

Am i supposed to get drinks for a 12 year old? i really have no perspective for normality here

OP posts:
lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 20:27

Is what my brother says true? That being thin / attractive is the most important thing for a woman to be?

Is no one going to love me?

I am genuinely worried and feel like they are right. They all seem to be so convinced.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 13/09/2015 20:33

You have got it completely right. Don't give their crap any room in your mind.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/09/2015 20:34

Havent go my kids a drink since they could reach the fridge!! (With a stool) I hate fussing round kids!! Ignore!!
If you cant avoid, start with, DB can get his own drinks, he has legs, DB can look after his own kids, walk out, leave, ignore!

lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 20:43

I think I will just stop going. I feel bad because DS wants to play with his cousins though. I really don't think DS will ever be like them - he already fancies girls in school because they are kind, funny, nice to him and he has no separation between men and women in terms of intelligence or job roles in the house. I have raised him away from it and he's a proper little gentleman.

For whatever reason they just really got me down tonight. I couldn't wait to leave.

Funnily the minute my brothers left Mum starts being really nice to me. As soon as they are around she changes TOTALLY what she is saying. Behind their backs she says she agrees with me about brother 2 and his taste in women impacting the children and as soon as he is there she can't have her tongue stuffed any further up his arse if a surgeon put it there.

He's her baby!

OP posts:
lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 20:46

My Mum also openly calls my Dad a male chauvanist pig and yet she doesn't see she's made my brothers the same.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/09/2015 20:46

Sounds like a cultural twist to this?

Cultural or not, this is deep misogyny: a deep hatred, loathing, of women. That women are servants to men in all ways, always. That women are objects purely for men's satisfaction. In all ways, always.

If you've had it all your life it's hard to see beyond it. But it is really, really damaging - not just for you (as you have seen) but your kids. You have to get away from these appalling people. Your mother is a signed-up member, entirely sold on its revolting beliefs.

They are loving and kind, helpful, 'family-orientated', to family members. But that incredibly poisonous undertow is hideously damaging.

No you shouldn't serve your 12yo SON like a prince, no; slaving after him, no. If you don't get your boy away from this he'll grow up like them - sadly, that's a given.

Are you in the UK? If so, Google the Freedom Programme, click 'find a course' to find a free course near you (free childcare at most if you need it). Or get it online if you are not in the UK (better to attend the course if you can tho).

lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 20:48

My Mum is half middle eastern and half European and was raised very much in a 1950s way, but the whole prostitute shagging, talking about women's tits and only dating skinny ones is very much only comfined to my immedeiate family. My cousins / uncles and families are definitely 1950s in their views of women and work and all that but they honour women which is more in keeping with the cultural background we have.

This is almost like women are put on earth to look good, be skinny, wash and iron and they have fuck all else to offer.

OP posts:
lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 20:51

I just asked my son if he would grow up to be a pig like my Dad and his uncles and he said "Oh God no, I know that women are important and have fouht for hundreds of years for equality and they deserve to have it and people like Grandad and Uncle need to travel back in time because their ideas are unwelcome in modern society. Their beliefs are stupid".

Ha ha! I love my son!!

OP posts:
IonaNE · 13/09/2015 20:54

OP, no, the male members of your family are not right, you are. Women are on earth for much more than to be skinny and serve men. No, you should not get drinks for your 12-year-old DS and this does not mean you don't love him; it means you treat him in an age-appropriate way (do your DF and DBs want you to tie his shoelaces for him, too?). I would move away from these people and meet them less frequently.

springydaffs · 13/09/2015 20:54

Yes, that is largely a middle Eastern view (to not always, certainly). As is the idea of 'protecting' women.

It's not a western view, which believes that women are equal in all ways.

Can you research some middle Eastern orgs that believe in the freedom of women not simply as the practical, emotional and intellectualpropertyof men?

springydaffs · 13/09/2015 20:56
  • though not always
FunkyPeacock · 13/09/2015 21:00

They sound vile

What possessed you to move to be near these people?

I would not want my DS being exposed to their sexist views

NameChange30 · 13/09/2015 21:03

Your family are vile. Well done breaking the cycle and for raising such an amazing son! Smile
I think you should stop spending time with them and instead get counselling to work on your self esteem.

RandomMess · 13/09/2015 21:05

Urgh thank goodness your ds can love them yet see their faults!

It's totally them and I would focus on making some friends so you don't "need" them in your life and limit contact to what you do feel comfortable with.

TheMarxistMinx · 13/09/2015 21:16

But is your father middle eastern? or is he just a sexist pig? I really don't see what middle eastern culture has to do with this.

As regards your son, your brothers were not born the way they are, they became that way.

Your son has these males as his role models. At a certain point boys tend to want to model their behaviour on the men around them, establish themselves as part of the pack. At 12 your son has a lot of growing up to do, however bright he seems now. Given the idiocy of these people and a few more years...

They are all talking shit...you know they are Smile

lostinhisworld · 13/09/2015 21:23

I say Mum is middle Eastern, meaning she has one middle eastern parent. The other is Mediteranean, and Mum was born and raised in England.

Dad is just a sexist pig. Like I say, loving in many ways, but I often feel like I disappoint him by not being thin enough, which is a funny way to feel.

Thanks everyone for reassuring me it's not normal. I really do have trouble valuing myself when I gain a little weight and it's quite deeply ingrained in me to care a lot / worry a lot about how I look and I honestly do struggle to believe a man will love me and stay with me as I grow old without wnating to trade me in for a younger one.

It;s not a confident way to feel.

DS has a head on his shoulders. I'd not worry he will ever emulte them. He's always been lover of women. He won't even listen to rap music as he finds it offensive to women

OP posts:
springydaffs · 13/09/2015 21:31

Is this your 12yo boy ?? Shock