What am I Doing & Why?

[hazel1910]

Well it's been 5 weeks since he left me and the kids. The initial upset has gone and I now know what a w@nk£r he is and has always been.
The thing is I keep thinking I'm over him, he's gone (he's never ever coming back) and I'm moving on, then something gets to me and I'm back to square one.
I'm the one who has to deal with the kids and how they are coping (he hasn't shown an inkling of interest in their feelings). I've one who is bottling everything up and another who is venting angry emotions.
I have also reacted verbally about the w@nk£r in front of the kids, then straight away had to apologise...I can't seem to stop doing this & I know it's not right!!!
He's left me with no money, his debts and his dogs. I have to take one to a dog shelter tomorrow as it is attacking the older dog (twice this week there has been major blood loss). This has made the boys upset and I feel awful for having to do it, but I can't cope with the trauma and it upsets the kids too much. He didn't give a sh1t! It's a double edged sword!
He asked if I had his post today & I told him that I have re-posted back to sender. I could have given him it, but I DIDN'T WANT TO!!!
I'm not normally this kind of crazy person... What am I doing & Why

You're trying your hardest to cope and doing a brilliant job of it. Its normal to feel angry. In fact, its essential to feel angry. He's messed up your life and you feel the need to punish him for that. But you don't, not really, well, the post maybe...but its just normal anger, resentment and its just a phase that you go through.

One day, you'll feel calm and in control again. Take it one day at a time and start to plan the rest of your life. Don't vent in front of the kids, it frightens them and you don't want that. Write everything down in a journal and look back on it six months from now. You'll be amazed at the difference in yourself and too, how far you've come.

Its a journey.

Five weeks isn't very long, be patient with yourself, especially since you're still having to deal with him. Taking the dog to the shelter sounds like the best you can do in the circumstances, so do it and keep reminding yourself to put you and the kids first. And I'll say it again - be patient with yourself.

Its normal to still feel "back to square one" at this stage when everything's so new.

Sorry to hear about the dog, that must be just the last thing you and the DC needed.

Were you married? If so have you seen a solicitor?

I'm not surprised you're angry! Do see the CSA (apparently they have a new name now, though) as you are entitled to money from him for the children.

I hate having to get rid of the dog, I feel so awful having to make the decision, but the older dog is 15 and deserves a peaceful old age (his face has been scarred and is painful for him when we try to clean him up).
No we weren't married. We were engaged for 19 yrs at Christmas, but he said we couldn't afford to get married. I have been to a solicitor though, he talked about a separation agreement but that could cost £700 - £1K to put into place... Can't afford that!!
I just really need to keep my composure when he's about, what gets my goat more than anything else is that he has walked away from all the troubles we are going through and he just doesn't give a sh1t.

It's only 5 weeks! Early days lovely

You're faking it till you make it and that's going to take time. Of COURSE youre angry and it pops out, despite your best efforts (the dog thing is a major stress, for a start; not last all the money worries).

The time will come when the crud is out of your heart, mind and emotions - roll on! Xx

Do everything in your power to make sure you NEVER see him. Block his number, email, everything - as far as possible save the bare essentials (ree the kids- even then, cut that back to the very, very bare bones).

No, he doesn't have the right to swan in and out for the sake of the kids. OK? No no no. He made his choice.

You need peace and the space to heal - carve out that space for you and your kids xx

Thank you all for your advice xx
I took the dog to the re-homing centre today. It was heartbreaking to leave him there, I broke down into tears. The lady was lovely & said we can call any time to ask about him, and she also said that I'll get through this because men can be B-Words & us women are stronger.
I picked the kids up from school and told them I had sorted the dog, and re-iterated that I hadn't done this out of spite or anger etc. and that it was the right thing to do under the circumstances.
So!... as from tomorrow it's going to be a new start. Firstly it's payday, I can start putting my money into some sort of order and have also decided to try & not let him get to me anymore. I've told the kids I'm going to try and put all my thoughts & feelings in a journal (great idea pallasathena).

How old are your kids? You don't have to justify things to your kids! You're in charge - you had to remove the dog ([hug]) for very good reason. That's that. They may be upset but too bad, that's how it goes.

Well done for getting the show on the road.

You can do this girl - get him out of your heart and mind (starting with never seeing him or contact if you can at all help it). He strung you along for all those years ffs . the woman at the dog home sounds lovely.

I thought that about the woman at the dog home too! I bet she sees a lot. You mention he left you with his debts, are you getting phone calls demanding payments?

The kids are 14 & 11 & it's just that lost look on their faces that makes me have to justify what I've had to do.

No phone calls as yet, but I'm bracing myself... he did this to me when I was pregnant with my eldest. I had phone calls constantly badgering me at all times of the day and well into the evening too. I think it's just a matter of time now!

No, don't justify, take the lead. You're the boss, you're not a team. They're too young to be part to the ins and outs of your personal life (in fact, 'children' are always too young, regardless what age, to be party to the intimacies of their parents lives imo). Your revolting ex has undermined you in front of them, take the lead and be the adult around them. They need it, especially now.

They're getting to an age where they could start disrespecting you. They've seen their father do it. Kids don't respect their parents struggles, they just want to see strength. I don't mean rock hard! Be human, of course, but not TOO human iyswim. That's for your friends and on here. Kids see it as weakness - and they need their parents to be strong and in control. Especially in a crisis.

Sorry for lecture tho! I wish someone had said this to me back in the day

Block his number! He can't come waltzing in and out as he pleases! the fucker

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Thanks for your support xx

I'm taking in all you are saying, have to admit you are right about me taking control and being the boss. I DO NOT want my kids turning out like their father and disrespecting me or their future partners the same way.

I've just looked up the Freedom Programme, looks quite interesting and I'm going to look into it further. Thanks for this xx